Poo Etiquette

[jimigoodwinsbeard]

Can anyone remember a thread from many moons ago regarding poo etiquette?

It had different types of poo etiquette at work etc etc, and it was possibly the funniest thing i have ever seen on the oatcake

Sure it had stuff about certain traps to go in whilst at work and different types of etiquette if someone is in the next trap to you when in the loo at work???????

if anyone can remember this and still has the link would be greatly appreciated!!!!

[st0kecity]

This one?






HOW TO POO AT WORK
>
>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
>our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
>try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those
>who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
>at work:
>
>CROP DUSTING
>When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
>your
>area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
>careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
>expelled.
>Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
>
>FLY BY
>The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
>other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
>again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
>suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
>ESCAPEE
>A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
>in
>a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
>you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
>If
>you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
>it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
>joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
>JAILBREAK
>When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
>usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
>not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
>spare
>everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
>COURTESY FLUSH
>The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
>reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This
>can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
>WALK OF SHAME
>Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
>up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
>in
>and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
>exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
>A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
>Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
>under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
>Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
>
>THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
>A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off
>without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
>Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>
>SAFE HAVENS
>A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
>visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
>reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
>TURD BURGLAR
>Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
>the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
>can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
>until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
>eye
>contact.
>
>CAMO-COUGH
>A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
>in
>a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
>Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>
>ASTAIRE
>A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
>occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
>If
>you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in
>peace.
>
>WATERMELON
>A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
>also
>an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
>diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>
>HAVANA OMELET
>A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
>water.
>Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>
>UNCLE TED
>A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
>lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
>makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
>to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
>bathroom attendees.

[edinburghstokie]

In old toilets in Germany they have funny shaped toilet bowls. You crap onto a platform, inspect it for tape worms (they eat too much pork) then flush. Good etiquette is to leave a nice presentation for the next user to mark out of 10....

[Pretty Little Boother]

Talking of poo, get this post from the Man City forum...

"Stoke is actually 7 ( or is it 6) separate towns linked by some of the dirtiest run down roads and streets you'll ever see.
People in Stoke all speak as if they have lead tongues. They subsist on oatcakes and Irn bru, which really is sold in every single shop and pub, most of which have a sign outside advertising it.
Stoke people are generally very stupid. They all go to one of the towns, called Hanley, at least once a week - where they play in a giant bath built by the council to wash them, the dirty bastards.
One thing Stoke people do know how to do is make pots. However all the potteries closed down ages ago because the Stoke people are also lazy, theiving bastards who ran their own factories into the ground. They are all now on the dole, on the game, in prison, just released from prison or about to go to prison.
Everytime people from Stoke leave Stoke they get lost and are usually in breach of bail conditions.
It is wrong to think that Stoke people are acting like animals when they come to nice places like Manchester. They are behaving normally, just as they do in their own environments. You should not be cruel to Stoke people."

[stokiematt]

i posted that a while back ;D