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Post by Trouserdog on Jul 14, 2008 18:46:12 GMT
Anyone else remember this Amiga-wankfest classic? Been doing an article or two for a retro-games website so thought I'd make this my subject-matter. Ah...the memories.... Hollywood Poker ReviewAs a 13 year old boy in the early nineties, the opportunity to admire the female form was pitifully restricted to secretly tearing out page 3 from your old man’s copy of “The Sun”, or if you were very lucky, chancing upon crumpled pages of adult magazines, usually abandoned in loveless fashion in a random hedge behind ASDA. The thought that one day a single mouse click could fill a computer screen full of posing, pouting, nakedness would have been considered nothing more than the utopian dream of a science fiction-obsessed pervert.
Therefore, to boys who were at an age where onanism was a recently discovered consolation for female peers preferring older boys with cars, the discovery of “Hollywood Poker Pro” was even more exciting than finding your Mum and Dad had gone out for the evening and had forgotten to lock the drinks cabinet.
Hollywood Poker had a simple premise, which as you would imagine, involved playing poker against beautiful women, with the ultimate aim being that of seeing them stripping off. There were only four opponents to choose from, and as would be logical to a 13 year old, the bigger the woman’s breasts, the more the difficulty level increased. (Insert your own joke about it getting “harder” here, if you fancy it).
The first three opponents I can’t remember all that much about, except that I treated them as little more than training exercises for games against the beautiful, buxom blonde goddess that was “Miriam”. Miriam was not only well-blessed in the bra-department, but conveniently played cards in-front of a full length mirror, leaving you with a fine view of what was going on behind as well.
Unfortunately, in the world of “Hollywood Poker” Miriam’s generously apportioned breasts meant that she was a bit of a card shark, and would regularly pluck out royal flush after royal flush every time you got near to getting her bra off. There were odd occasions though when the Gods of teenage-masturbation would smile kindly upon the frustrated player and bestow upon Miriam a more- beatable hand (steady on), like a full-house for example, which offered a rare moment of hairy-handed triumph for the lucky player.
Graphics on the Amiga version were great for the time, although being as they were still, as opposed to moving, pictures then that was only to be expected. The other bonus was that for once, the poorer kids who couldn’t afford proper monitors were better off, as the more softly-defined images of a portable TV set were vastly superior to depicting naked breasts than what were, at the time, the harsher-crisper-images of a proper monitor.
All in all a great way to learn how to play cards, and how your own body works…and I didn’t even write any “good hand” double entendres.
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