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Joke
Jun 24, 2008 9:15:23 GMT
Post by the cat on Jun 24, 2008 9:15:23 GMT
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs sh1t middle class w@nkhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of sh1t, I saw your poxy advert in the cnuting window and I'm here to audition.....w@nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed dwad, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'w@nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!
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Joke
Jun 24, 2008 10:39:09 GMT
Post by the cat on Jun 24, 2008 10:39:09 GMT
After her fifth child, Sandra decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks"
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Sandra
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Sandra. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
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Joke
Jun 24, 2008 11:49:05 GMT
Post by Morganghost on Jun 24, 2008 11:49:05 GMT
Filth
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Joke
Jun 24, 2008 12:02:28 GMT
Post by PotteringThrough on Jun 24, 2008 12:02:28 GMT
First one made me laugh ;D
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Joke
Jun 24, 2008 14:20:42 GMT
Post by powchirper on Jun 24, 2008 14:20:42 GMT
First joke ;D ;D ;D Second joke ;D ;D Glad to see you've dropped the West Indian accent.
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Joke
Jun 24, 2008 14:35:02 GMT
Post by the cat on Jun 24, 2008 14:35:02 GMT
Cheers Chirper
I'm crap at accents, you want to read my Welsh one, it looks more like Pakistani
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Joke
Jun 24, 2008 17:09:02 GMT
Post by scfcmatt on Jun 24, 2008 17:09:02 GMT
first one was top class ;D
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