2 JOKES........

[diaoshairyballs]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[vestanpance]

Quite good.

[diaoshairyballs]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[vestanpance]

Better than the first effort. Well done.

[boothenbus]

;D

[onlyonesirstan]

A man runs in to a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says "everyone has a minute to get out". A tortoise at the back shouts "you cunt"

[vestanpance]

Boothenbus, you can go on no longer karma-less.

Here, have some.

[SegaMegaDave]

Jun 3, 2008 13:23:04 GMT onlyonesirstan said:

A man runs in to a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says "everyone has a minute to get out". A tortoise at the back shouts "you cunt"

;D ;D superb

[chrispk76]

on the subject of balloons



Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon, look son, you are 5 now and you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed.
Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy.
No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok says baby balloon sadly.

2am baby balloon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has just enough room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry.
He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us.
you've let me down, you're mummy down but most importantly you've let yourself down too.

[scfcstudent85]

A young East Anglian man goes home and says to his father 'I am engaged to be married.'

His father says 'Thats great son! I only need one question answering?'

'Whats that father?'

'Is she a virgin?'

'What does that matter?'

'Is your future wife a virgin?'

'Yes, she is father.'

'Well, I'm afraid I forbid you to marry her!'

'Why father?'

'Because if she isn't good enough for her own family then she isn't good enough for this family!'

[diaoshairyballs]

A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..........."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you'll f*ck her again."

[onlyonesirstan]

diaoshairyballs. Brilliant mate, how do I award you Karma?

[diaoshairyballs]

theres usually a link under your karma rating ''exalt'' (giveth karma) and ''smite'' (taketh away)

it dunna seem to be there though!!

never mind, thankyou for the thought, just glad you enjoyed it.