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Post by Rick Oshea on May 28, 2008 17:22:44 GMT
Karma to the person who tells me the best joke. will decide at 19:00 which i think is funniest
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ldp05
Academy Starlet
Posts: 161
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Post by ldp05 on May 28, 2008 17:25:39 GMT
Gary Neville walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Get out you ugly as sin little cunt"
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Post by n01stokie on May 28, 2008 17:27:24 GMT
poo
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Post by Rick Oshea on May 28, 2008 17:28:04 GMT
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Post by trend....... on May 28, 2008 17:28:40 GMT
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Post by scfctilidie on May 28, 2008 17:29:16 GMT
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body" He did not say "Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
;D ;D
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Post by Batfink on May 28, 2008 17:31:19 GMT
A man walked into a pub and asked the barmaid for a double entendre so she gave him one.
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Post by trend....... on May 28, 2008 17:32:00 GMT
I went to a Muslim strip show the other day and everyone was chanting 'get ya face out for the lads'
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ldp05
Academy Starlet
Posts: 161
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Post by ldp05 on May 28, 2008 17:32:28 GMT
Wasnt really a joke, its just what i'd say if i was the barman.
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Post by boothenendboy on May 28, 2008 17:35:16 GMT
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
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Post by myleftboot on May 28, 2008 17:35:25 GMT
Bloke goes over to a woman in Tesco and says "excuse me love I have lost my wife. Do you mind if I talk to you for a bit?" The woman goes "Yeah but how is that going to help?". The bloke replies "well everytime I talk to a woman with tits your size she always makes an appearence". Firemen comes home after work and says to his missus "right love weve got this new three bell system at work. Bell 1 means get out of bed and get your clothes on, bell 2 means drop down the pole, bell three means get out on the fire tender and attend the shout" He pauses for a few minutes and says "I thought we could encorporate this into the bedroom. Bell one means kit off, bell 2 means on the bed legs open, bell 3 means mad passionate love". Well that night they are at it and all three bells have rung, she is on the bed, kit off and they are writhing all over the the place when she goes "bell four" A bit bemused the guy goes "Bell four what are you on about woman" She stands up and says "Bell four, roll your hose out your no where near the fire"
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Post by Rick Oshea on May 28, 2008 17:36:07 GMT
I went to a Muslim strip show the other day and everyone was chanting 'get ya face out for the lads' ;D
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Post by BraveSirRobin on May 28, 2008 17:36:14 GMT
Whats the first sign of madness?
Suggs walking up ypur drive.
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Post by boothenendboy on May 28, 2008 17:39:45 GMT
What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
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Post by scfctilidie on May 28, 2008 17:40:33 GMT
An old ladys husband sadly passes away. She had nothing left and wants to end her own life. She wanted to shoot herself in the heart. She went to the doctors to ask to locate the exact position 'Below your left breast' said the doctor Later that night she was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee
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liamsnose
Lads'n'Dads
gooaarrrrn stoke
Posts: 60
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Post by liamsnose on May 28, 2008 17:41:56 GMT
What have the championship and a cordless drill got in common
no leeds
haha
still makes me chuckle
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Post by boothenendboy on May 28, 2008 17:46:48 GMT
One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
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Post by stokey-pokey pudding and pie on May 28, 2008 17:48:47 GMT
what time does gary glitter go to bed?
when the big hand touches the little hand
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Post by ghostie75 on May 28, 2008 17:55:04 GMT
A bloke's alarm goes off at 05.30 in the morning and wakes his wife up saying "come on love, its my birthday, you said we could do anything I wanted so let's go fishing!!!" His wife looks out of the window and its pissing with rain and says "No I dont want to, I'll do anything if you let me stay in bed...." Bloke says "Okay you can stay in bed but you have to give me a blow job" to which the wife says... "okay let me think about it for a bit...." Bloke says "Im just going to put my kit and the dog in the car... youve got till I come back up to decide". Husband disappears off for about ten minutes and then returns and says "Ok love what have you decided?" "Alright" she says , "I'll give you a B.J" and dutifully drops to her knees....... After about five seconds she pulls away gagging and heaving saying "Oh my god your knob smells and tastes like shit...." To which the husband says "Yeah well ....... the dog didnt want to go either...." Boom Boom!!!!!
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Post by trend....... on May 28, 2008 17:55:18 GMT
Pakistani man on his death bed.
"Sanjita,my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband"
"My son and daughter, are you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Then who's in the fucking shop?"
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Post by lurcherman on May 28, 2008 17:55:38 GMT
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees. 'Well, that makes a refreshing change' said Charles with a dis-believing look on his face, 'And just what did she say when she came back on her hands and knees?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little Bastard and I'll fuckin hammer you again.'
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Post by myleftboot on May 28, 2008 18:00:26 GMT
Petrol stations have introduced a new incentive at the petrol pumps. A free porn movie while you are filling up. Apparently people enjoy watching someone else getting fucked at the same time as them
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Post by Rick Oshea on May 28, 2008 18:01:35 GMT
A bloke's alarm goes off at 05.30 in the morning and wakes his wife up saying "come on love, its my birthday, you said we could do anything I wanted so let's go fishing!!!" His wife looks out of the window and its pissing with rain and says "No I dont want to, I'll do anything if you let me stay in bed...." Bloke says "Okay you can stay in bed but you have to give me a blow job" to which the wife says... "okay let me think about it for a bit...." Bloke says "Im just going to put my kit and the dog in the car... youve got till I come back up to decide". Husband disappears off for about ten minutes and then returns and says "Ok love what have you decided?" "Alright" she says , "I'll give you a B.J" and dutifully drops to her knees....... After about five seconds she pulls away gagging and heaving saying "Oh my god your knob smells and tastes like shit...." To which the husband says "Yeah well ....... the dog didnt want to go either...." Boom Boom!!!!! you are the winner karma for you
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Post by Rick Oshea on May 28, 2008 18:02:33 GMT
join us again tommorow on the STOKIE DOHERTY SHOW
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Post by BraveSirRobin on May 28, 2008 18:10:13 GMT
For your show,you dont appear on it much. Maybe thats for the best.
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Post by Rick Oshea on May 28, 2008 18:12:52 GMT
For your show,you dont appear on it much. Maybe thats for the best. im the host i wont be asking you to return ;D
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Post by BraveSirRobin on May 28, 2008 18:13:40 GMT
You dont have a choice.
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Post by Rick Oshea on May 28, 2008 18:14:56 GMT
looks like i will have to come up with some sort of security
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Post by Cupid Stunt on May 28, 2008 18:28:07 GMT
Lost the Carling Cup? Lost the Premier League? Lost the Champions League? Lost a Parent?
Talk to Frank ;D
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Post by boothenendboy on May 28, 2008 18:29:10 GMT
too late mate.
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