|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 8:22:05 GMT
Post by spooner on Apr 18, 2008 8:22:05 GMT
Subject: Stranded
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' 'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!' 'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!' At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?' With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 8:28:49 GMT
Post by Soi Cowboy on Apr 18, 2008 8:28:49 GMT
A Ronnie Corbett classic from his days in his big armchair
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 13:26:47 GMT
Post by spooner on Apr 18, 2008 13:26:47 GMT
> > A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a > sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." > Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord > said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will > grant you one wish." > The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I > want." > The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous > challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach > the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do > it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take > a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor > and glorify me." > The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish > that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what > they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, > what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly > happy." > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 13:37:15 GMT
Post by spooner on Apr 18, 2008 13:37:15 GMT
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.......says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep." The man returns: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 13:52:23 GMT
Post by stokeylad on Apr 18, 2008 13:52:23 GMT
lol @ spooner
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 14:01:30 GMT
Post by powchirper on Apr 18, 2008 14:01:30 GMT
One day a blonde woman named Sally finally got tired of everyone assuming she was stupid because of her hair color. She decided to go to the hairdressers and have her hair dyed brown. Feeling quite proud of her new look she decided to go for a drive in the country. After a while she came upon a shepherd. Trying to test out her new look she walked over to him and asked, "If I can guess how many sheep you have may I take one for a reward?" The shepherd thought that she would never guess the exact number of sheep, so he took her bet and let her try. Amazingly she guessed 98, the exact number of sheep he owned.
Feeling rather good about herself, she picked up her reward and started walking back to her car. Before she got there the shepherd tapped her on the shoulder.
"If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 14:17:35 GMT
Post by powchirper on Apr 18, 2008 14:17:35 GMT
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says
"I'll have a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says,
"There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!
The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!
The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 14:46:16 GMT
Post by eggyduckduck on Apr 18, 2008 14:46:16 GMT
Peter Thorne, Ricardo Fuller and Mark Stein go before god, he questions their belief, Fuller says "footy to be the food of life" god sits him to the left. Thorne says "courage, honour and passion on the pitch" god sits him to his right. He says to Steino "what do you believe, son?" Steino replies "i believe you're sitting in my seat!"
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 14:48:18 GMT
Post by spooner on Apr 18, 2008 14:48:18 GMT
Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A . They don't have balls to scratch!
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 14:57:59 GMT
Post by DamonHillsEyebrow on Apr 18, 2008 14:57:59 GMT
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two chunks of bread. Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon 'Pies you idiot!' Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse And turned its wool to nylon.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 15:29:25 GMT
Post by spooner on Apr 18, 2008 15:29:25 GMT
KARMA FOR YOU DamonHillsEyebrow
|
|
|
joke
Apr 18, 2008 16:24:05 GMT
Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 18, 2008 16:24:05 GMT
Mary had a little lamb The doctor was surprised but when Old Macdonald had a farm he couldn't believe his eyes!
|
|