Tommy Cooper - old but still made me laugh

[broadwayroundabout]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

-----------------------




This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

------------------------




I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

-----------------------




I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

----------------------------




I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

---------------------------




I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

------------------------------




I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

--------------------------




My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

------------------------




I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

---------------------------




I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.




----------------------------

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.




----------------------------







I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

---------------------------




The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

--------------------------




I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

----------------------




This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

--------------------------




I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

----------------------------




I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

--------------------------------




This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

--------------------------




I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

------------------------------




I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

----------------------




I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

-------------------------




I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

------------------------




I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

---------------------------




I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

--------------------------------




I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

--------------------------------




A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

[myleftboot]

Still makes me laugh now

[corkster]

The funniest man of all time.

[danceswithclams]

Those are all Tim Vine jokes - mistakenly attributed to the great TC...


en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Vine


Still a pisser mind

[lawrieleslie]

I found a Stradivarius and a Constable in the loft over the weekend. Problem is picture was painted by Stradivarius and the violin was made by Constable.

I was asked if I wanted to go and watch Apollo 13 at the pictures. I said there was no point because I hadn't seen the first 12.

Walked into a bar the other day. Ouch I said because it was an iron bar.

[OldStokie]

Many of them aren't Tommy's jokes but it makes you laff just to think of him saying them. He was one of those guys who made you laff before he said anything....well, he did me.

OS.

[Arthurdollar]

I saw Tommy at Jollee´s i think in the ´70s, He just walked in and out of a gate for about 5mins not uttering a word... The audience was in hysterics.....The Best

[PotteringThrough]

Tommy Cooper is my favourite comedian ever. He was just naturally funny!

[TheDee51]

Apr 16, 2008 9:29:43 GMT Arthurdollar said:

I saw Tommy at Jollee´s i think in the ´70s, He just walked in and out of a gate for about 5mins not uttering a word... The audience was in hysterics.....The Best

Arthur - My parents used to be the marketing whizzes for Jollees so I was there most of the time and whenever Tommy Cooper was on, they had to leave the bar open all night as he just couldnt 'wind down' - many a time he would just sit there with about a handful of people, telling jokes until well into the early hours.

THE funniest guy of all time - a thoroughly nice chap - even sent me a get well soon card once when I was ill !!

[mermaidsal]

I love those ;D ;D

dee, it must have been amazing to meet him - you must have met a lot of people who were on at Jollees then?

[TheDee51]

Ayup Sal

Yeh, met loads - The Supremes, Ken Dodd, Gene Pitney, Paul Daniels, Tommy Cooper, Diana Doors , Cilla Black, The Temptations.
too many to mention.

Happy days !!

[TheDee51]

Cilla Black asked to always be paid in cash in a brown paper bag.
I kid you not - she was the dodgiest of the lot.

[Arthurdollar]

Shirley Bassey asked for 10k for 3 nights they told her to fuck off

[davemong]

" 1 in 3 people in the world are chinese, I've got 3 brothers, Brian, Colin and XiaoLing. I think it's Colin." ;D