Another Bad Joke

[Ursemboy]

A Jamaican woman goes into a pub and says "Anyone who can tell me who these footballers are tatooed on the inside of my thighs can fuck me all night"

So this little bloke walks up takes a look and says "To be honest I haven't a clue but the one in the middle with the big red lips and bushy hair looks like Shaun Wright-Phillips"

[boothenendboy]

old one,still quite funny though.

[powchirper]

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, City Councils are establishing "Women Only" parking lots.
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable environment is created for patrons.

Please find attached the first picture available of this world-first.

Here it is......

[LL Cool Dave]

Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?


Yoko Ono.

[Ursemboy]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..."
and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo
Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door,
and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with
the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the
middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis,
return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there
quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to £738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine
while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but
then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another
incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in
my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

[Ursemboy]

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall
every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail,
his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbour came out of her apartment
towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a
bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under
her robe.

The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time
her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't
had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact. She said she
heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment.

They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor.
"What do you think my best feature is?"

Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears."

"What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a
nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say
ears?"

"Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming?
That was me!"

[LL Cool Dave]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?





















A pilot, you racist bastard!

[Ursemboy]

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few
beers.

They start talking and come to realise that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman,

"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached.
It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes
in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go
into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or
so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman,

"You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we
started."

"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an
anesthesiologist aren't you?"

"Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

The woman answers, "Because I slept through most of it and didn't
feel a thing."