Last year was a good one for the SBFS (Stockton Brook Flying Squad).
Regular readers will know that we had a few ‘results’ on the road, especially at Llandudno and then at Buxton where we had a surprise ‘meet’ with the STBP (Six-Toed Buxton Posse), even though we were eventually ‘ambushed’ by the Calpol Crew just as were about to lord it around the spa town’s play areas.
Anyway, a week or so ago, I got straight on my lad’s top-of-the-range Tomy mobile and arranged a meet at West Midlands Safari Park. Once again, the SBFS were going to ‘front’ it on someone else’s ‘manor’. In a situation like that you never know how it’s going to pan out. Will they come armed up to the teeth with a picnic hamper packed to the gills with plastic High School Musical cutlery? Or might they ‘plot up’ somewhere near Toys R Us in Kidderminster and go for a few cheeky Vimto’s? We didn’t intend to die wondering – we fully intended to go down there and put the Whack into W(h)acky Warehouse
Whatever we were heading into we were ready for.
Once more we had a Zafira-full of likeminded individuals, but it was of paramount importance that I had to have the whole thing planned out meticulously. So, after giving out instructions (“do as your mum says”, “always wait for the Green Cross Man”, “eat your crusts and your hair will go curly”, etc.) we headed off. We were all dressed in our best George at Asda tank tops, Bob the Builder fleeces, and Hi-5 t-shirts. Sorted.
A couple of ours got their head down for a bit of shut-eye as we went through the Black Country. “Good thinking”, I thought to myself as I turned off the Best Friends Forever CD that had been blaring loud and large out of the speakers, “we’ll need to be wide awake when we bump into some of the animals that are waiting for us”.
Once more we knew there would be a good cross section of ‘firms’ there – we had representatives there from our own Under 5’s and Baby Squad, but as it was Easter weekend, we’d also brought along a few ‘interested observers’ who were (like) family. All the Easter regulars were there – the DFS Brigade, B&Q Psychos, the Monkey Forest Mafia, and even a few ‘faces’ from the world famous IFOTA (Is Focus Open This Afternoon?) crew. So we were ‘mob-handed’ in a fleet of used MPV’s as we headed towards the ‘meet’.
We knew there would also be lads from a few other firms there at the Safari Park today, most notably from the 3.57 Crew – famously named after the time of the last train on the mini-railway at Bewdley Lake. We needed to be focussed. We were.
When we got there we heard rumours that the STBP might ‘plot up’ near the kiddies play area and were planning on nicking someone’s Po and Dipsy bucket and spade set from the sandpit. So we made sure we split up into little groups and remained inconspicuous by going on the rope swings, roundabout, monkey bars, and see-saw. We were ‘buzzing’. We’d arrived, plotted up and were now literally a spacehopper away from some serious ‘mither’.
We thought we had it all ‘sussed’ when Babyface went and blew our cover by singing the theme tune to “Charlie and Lola” at the top of his voice. No time to think, it was straight into ‘em. The ‘off’ lasted for about 20 seconds, but any ‘lad’ will know, if there’s no warden, er, I mean old bill, around it can seem like hours of ‘fun’. They were soon all ‘on their toes’ although one of their ‘top boys’ did have to have his walking reigns grabbed by his nan – although in fairness he was heading straight towards our main boys’ sandcastle which had a superb collection of all the United Kingdom flags on it. If he’d have kicked that in then there would have been tears.
We got back in the motor and set off around the safari park at speed. Then, in the distance, we’d heard a loud roar. We also heard some unbelievably high-pitched whining and whiffed in an unbelievable pong. It could only be a mob of Wolves. It almost got out of hand until one of the older ‘heads’ wound the window up just as we entered their enclosure. In fairness, the wolves lads were all wearing some seriously smart beige ‘clobber’. But we were now doing exactly wanted on the Wolves’ manor. We were pulling faces, shouting “Pee-po”, licking our tongues out and all sorts. We were like an army, that’s if an army runs on Milky Way buttons and Passion fruit and Cranberry smoothies.
The whole family, er, I mean crew, were moody as hell. Mind you, no wonder half my mob were moody, as I had forgot to video Tommy Zoom on CBBC before we left. Anyway, we carried on at a brisk pace, chins tucked in, snot running down noses whilst strapped into booster seats. Then - there was a sight I’ll never forget. There was about 100 of 'em bold as brass, all lined up across the park, making a right din.
There were deer, wild pigs, elks, grouse, moose and venison in front of the car. “Watch out”, I shouted to my lot, “this lot are game!”
Thankfully, we had our ‘spotters’ out in the leopard enclosure and so made a swift getaway. Immediately, we heard a victory cry in the distance. It only meant one thing - the STBP had managed to avoid paying for a Kiddies Pick-‘em-up meal at the Visitors Centre Café. We made our exit quick sharpish. What a day - we'd turned up on their turf, watched the seal show, had gone in and out of the without a scratch, plus we had a 20% token off for our next visit and several snide plastic giraffes. Result!
As a consequence of this, I expect they'll bring a retaliatory mob up to either Wheelock Farm or possibly Stapeley Water Gardens next week.
Laters.
