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Post by PoisonedDonkey on Jan 26, 2011 22:23:22 GMT
I'm enjoying this...
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Post by Jimmy Cooper on Jan 26, 2011 22:30:40 GMT
The thread continued in a loose, ramshackle manner. Jimmy added his thoughts where appropriate, often with a ;D face, so that no-one would call him a cunt and really mean it.
Various jokes about the financial situation of the to be betrothed couple were passed, until the mysterious, and strangely arousing V mentioned the way her fiery, porpoise shaped lover made her "gruntle" so.
The board, Jimmy included, was intrigued. What was this, this 'gruntle'?
As one, a collective of sad fuckers on the internet too late at night, they leaned in closer.
"What is gruntle?" asked Salopstick, a wee tim'rous beastie, and long time cunt.
V replied, Jimmy could hear her sultry scouse whisper, like John Lennon with a cold, as if she was in the same room.
"thats a word I like all ladies shout things out in exticy, he a great lover i call him mr wallnut whip, my wallnut whip"
(To be cont.)
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Post by SuperRickyFuller on Jan 26, 2011 22:34:26 GMT
This is fucking excellent work Cooper ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Jimmy Cooper on Jan 26, 2011 22:38:58 GMT
From here, Jimmy's notes on the matter become unclear, an animal like scrawl, where we must assume he was 'rolling on floor, laughing my (his) arse off'.
Suffice it to say, the thread continued with much derision of this term of endearment, for the couple's seeming unawareness that they were "dossing scum" (paraphrased from YorkshirePotter) and the general consensus Craig was not too fat to get a job in an office. Unless it was a really small office.
Craig then appeared, like a wild Snorlax roused from the long grass by a naive pokemon trainer in 'Pokemon Red'.
He wept bitterly, crying that V was not really his lover, that he had always eaten healthily, and that the only jobs available were for marathon runners, or in small 'gallery' styled offices with no turning space, which employed a 'hot desk' system, where he would have to walk around during his 8 hour day, and would have nowhere to stash his Haribo 'Tangfastics' for snacking on whilst he entered ticket competitions during office hours.
(To be cont)
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Post by SuperRickyFuller on Jan 26, 2011 22:41:02 GMT
"Wild Snorlax"
;D ;D ;D
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Post by salopstick on Jan 26, 2011 22:46:57 GMT
What is gruntle?" asked Salopstick, a wee tim'rous beastie, and long time cunt
im honoured,
on a side note i was pm every cunt to get on that thread, good work coops
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Post by One-Two on Jan 26, 2011 22:47:31 GMT
;D ;D ;D
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Post by salopstick on Jan 26, 2011 22:47:59 GMT
you've forgotten the wii fit photo
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Post by winedelilah on Jan 26, 2011 22:48:58 GMT
Jimmy Cooper you are a superb wordmaster ;D ;D top man
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Post by Jimmy Cooper on Jan 26, 2011 22:49:35 GMT
All was quiet. The next few days passed with only the questions of the diurnal GDBers, who had missed what I like to refer to as; 'The Gruntling'.
Jimmy awoke, slumped at his desk, finding one hand glued to his penis as a result of 'Shemale babysitters' being available to stream online. He, along with those who bore witness to the nights events, toiled hard to recall the tale of love, loss, and photo poses best reserved for busty jailbait, not a morbidly obese professional ticket winner.
Then, SUDDENLY...
V was back.
A hush fell over the board, like a metaphor for the beauty of the Church of Scientology's 'silent births are best' belief.
She had a new facebook group, with which she alleged that Craig was a fat scrounger whom she had caught 'gruntling' to Babestation whilst eating meast feast pizza. (She also posted pics of her silken nymph like form, scantily clad in the colours of the bin dippers of Stanley Park (well, the red ones). Jimmy saved it to his wankbank, both mentally and on 32 gig of sleek dell memory.
Craig returned, like a fiery sperm whale from the depths of hell. He typed with a frenzied fury, his fingers beating a tattoo against the keyboard, like Cumberland sausages against a child's skull.
(To be cont.)
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Post by Mr_DaftBurger on Jan 26, 2011 22:49:45 GMT
Jimmy Cooper is fast becoming my favouritist poster! NQM
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Post by SuperRickyFuller on Jan 26, 2011 22:52:32 GMT
This is fucking fantastic ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Jimmy Cooper on Jan 26, 2011 23:04:00 GMT
"Salllllllllll" he whined, "Salllllllll!!! This is not true."
Sal told everybody to be nice to Craig, because he was a fatty boom batty, but Craig just dug himself deeper. Down, down, deeper and down.
Launching virulent, scorching, anecdotal attacks, the Casanova of the council house blasted all in his path. However, like a walrus in the grip of a pack of killer whales ridden by Japanese fishermen, he was beaten back...
A poster, stating he was the offspring of Mr Walnut Whip, defended his father. "He has breathing difficulties when he walks- he gets out of breath. He eats well, he's just big boned."
The young walrus was quickly speared by the barbed insults, and sank to the depths of internet anonymity, like the lard arse he probably was.
The taunts carried on for many moons. Day turned to night, night to day. Joe Ledley signed for Celtic. Craig deleted his account, and after much mewling from the big fat kitty, Sal shitbinned and locked the thread, after it began resurfacing every few weeks.
The legend of Gruntle lives on. Remember it always. "When you drive through Bentilee, Spare, oh spare, a thought for me.
I am of the 500,000, Dossing, day to day.
Oh! Cry havoc! The Wind! The trees, how they shake! Oh! The leaves the council rake, For I cannot be arsed;
I am Mr Walnut Whip. 60", hip to hip.
Babestation, with your wotsit-coloured Aphrodites, You were mine ambrosia, mine meaty pizza.
My heart lies broken, 'T'is cold, like 'After Eights' Mcflurry. Isolated. A nutty topping, on conical milk chocolate base" "An Ode to Gruntle", C. A. Duffy/P. McCartney
If I may, my friends, I would like to end with a quote from Jonn Donne;
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee
Thank you, and goodnight.
JC
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Post by nonington on Jan 26, 2011 23:07:58 GMT
Thank you. ;D
'I am Mr Walnut Whip 60",hip to hip.'
For that sir you deserve a medal!!
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Post by winedelilah on Jan 26, 2011 23:09:53 GMT
Just brilliant .. ;D ;D
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Post by Jimmy Cooper on Jan 26, 2011 23:10:05 GMT
I wrote some excellent Craig poems on here a few months ago, you should check them out.
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Post by rhodesy on Jan 26, 2011 23:26:22 GMT
Genius, well done you cunt.
'A professional ticket winner.' ;D
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Post by Time4aPINT on Jan 26, 2011 23:34:46 GMT
I have seen the greatest of Shakespeare's plays and read the works of many a fine author, they all pale into insignificance compared to the delightful story telling of the most splendid Mr J. Cooper. magnificently done good sir.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2011 0:13:03 GMT
Very much enjoyed that.
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Post by Beardy200 on Jan 27, 2011 0:43:10 GMT
What a cunt ;D
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Post by One-Two on Jan 27, 2011 0:50:07 GMT
AC Milan turncoat...
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Post by Inverness Stokie on Jan 27, 2011 0:52:37 GMT
Fucking outstanding work!
Wild Snorlax.
;D
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Post by Pretty Little Boother on Jan 27, 2011 1:01:27 GMT
Epic thread is Epic.
Far, far, FAR funnier than the original thread.
That's a win for you JC. Enjoy it.
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Post by poisonedmonkey on Jan 27, 2011 1:09:25 GMT
June 29, 2010...............
What was i doing? Havent got a clue.......you tell me
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Post by Cupid Stunt on Jan 27, 2011 1:31:44 GMT
It was the day before my last A level exam. I think the Craig thread was before that.
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Post by One-Two on Jan 27, 2011 1:34:43 GMT
The Craig thread was on the 20th
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Post by SuperRickyFuller on Jan 27, 2011 3:38:16 GMT
Phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal ;D ;D ;D
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Post by jacka118 on Jan 27, 2011 5:57:04 GMT
Without doubt, one of the greatest threads of all time.
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Post by Jimmy Cooper on Jan 27, 2011 8:46:37 GMT
The Craig thread was on the 20th It was the day before my last A level exam. I think the Craig thread was before that. The actual dates aren't important.
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Post by OldStokie on Jan 27, 2011 9:40:00 GMT
Mr J Cooper. Esq. OS doffs cap big style. Your story equals anything I've read in over 12 years on the internet, and I've been in the company of such greats as DDM and Valiantitus: great, eccentric wordsmiths of their era.
Bravo.
OS.
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