Police to investigate Pardew's complaint.

[ted1965]

South London police are this morning hunting a dangerous criminal lunatic who obviously intends on sabotaging a football managers attempts to gain his side promotion. The unknown person sneaked into the Valley football ground sometime between midnight and 3-25 when the ploughed grass of the Valley allowed Preston to score.

The manager in question Alma Mildew reported the possible sabotage soon after the game, it’s a disgrace that someone or something could get into our ground and churn the pitch up like this, we know this must be the case because we lost, we never lose when the pitch is good and we have made every effort to keep it so this season. Though this isn’t an isolated incident, it’s becoming a serial problem and we have to catch this individual before he destroys our season completely. I suspect he is using specially trained or even mechanical moles to burrow under the pitch and cause it to become rutted before certain games.

The unknown individual Mildew revealed has struck on no fewer than 6 occasions this season, he said he could pinpoint the games it had definitely occurred, the Burnley, Crystal Palace, Plymouth, QPR, Sheffield United and now Preston. It can’t be allowed to happen again or the chairman will begin to suspect it’s down to my ability as a manager and that’s not in any doubt. He also suspected there may have been some activity on 5 other occasions Barnsley, Bristol city, Hull, Scunthorpe and Watford, though he admitted he couldn’t prove it on those occasions because those games were drawn and therefore not as obvious as a defeat.

A spokesman for south London police said, we are looking into Mr Mildew’s complaints and we will investigate any crime that may have been committed, though we are a little suspicious of the reports because they all seem to coincide with losses, there doesn’t seem to be any such criminal activity before winning games.

Though Mr Mildew explained this by saying, he believes it to be the work of a criminal mastermind, who by only striking occasionally to throw off the police and Charlton off the scent. I mean if this happened all the time, it would be obvious. Though as it’s only been 6 incidents that I can prove out of 19 games he has shown himself to be very cunning indeed.

Mildew has asked his chairman for extra security around the pitch from here to the end of the season, though the barbed wire and security towers do seem a little over the top commented an unknown player, the gaffer has really begun to lose the plot he really believes there’s an underground mole working to prevent us from getting promoted, though Jasper Carrot turned down Mildew‘s request to come and patrol the pitch at night with a revolving stool and a twelve bore shotgun, more proof according to Mildew that everyone is in on it, I am with Mohammed on this one he told baffled reporters, it could be the work of an MI5 mole.

The club doctor has denied he offered psychiatric help to Mr Mildew just in case he was suffering from an Alex Ferguson personality disorder.

[Cupid Stunt]

That is ace, have some karma Ted