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Post by robdog on Oct 15, 2009 15:06:48 GMT
A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he'd do for some chips.
A tip to all new mothers - Don't put your baby in bed with you because you might fall asleep, roll on it and put your back out!
Ah Mr Lemon, why your juices so sharp?
...And then the memory of the Mash Sickness returned, and we gradually returned them to their original size.
...And apparently the best bit of a chop is that thin bit down the outside, that round bit in the middle is quite poisonous apparently. And he always used to eat it for us!
Alan, fancy a game of: No you go first?
Apple left the fruit union did very well mmm mmm! Got a pie, got a sauce...
Apparently you can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like...
Apparently, there's enough poison in a crab, to kill a crab.
Bad Boy, Dirty Boy in your BED!
Brian Ferry...Nick Berry
But Alan! If you're here, whose grooming the badgers ready for the badger parade?
But what if Ben Kingsley of clown union find out?
Cadburys cream egg, Mystic Meg.
Canteloupe melon - very tasty; honeydew melon - very tasty; water melon - not so tasty ........ but refreshing.
Cheese warnings - more of them please!
Chops can't buy you love, Harry.
Chops is as Chops does.
Complimentary Kit Kat sir? ...Hmmmm complimentary Kit Kat?
Curly Wurly, Liz Hurley
Digby the Giant Dog project; the brief was make this dog bigger, and I done it!
Do they mean me, they surely do.
Dribble...dribble...pass. You've got to think of the next man!
Go away from the flats!
Go on madam, take a bite out of the pumpkin!!!
Hamburgers, beef does all the work, pork gets all the credit.
I can't believe he didn't cut any holes.
I can't see the cards, you'll have to make them bigger!
I don`t make the rules up, do I?
I know what you're thinking... How do you transport an owl?
If you get a letter and you don't know who it's from, just run after the postman and shout "1471"!
I never saw much of my grand father... Because he was very good at hiding!
Lamb Shanks, Shabba Ranks
Bowl... Mole... Fole... GOAL!
Mangetouts eh? Mangetouts, they're lovely aren't they? But couldn't eat a whole one.
My Dad kept bees, not for the honey, no, for the fur!
My Dad was a mean man, he hypnotised my mother not to order a starter!
My father used to like my mother to get dressed up as a nurse. Then he used to like her to go out to work... as a nurse! Brought in some extra money...
My father used to say to me always fight fire with fire. And that's why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.
My mother was a lolly-pop lady... and by that I mean she had a long thin body, and a big, fat, sticky head.
Nelson Mandela - more of those crazy shirts please!
No ticket, no coat.
...Not really of course - the power of suggestion!
Of course if you drop a bible from a height you can kill a field mouse; so maybe the bible isn't all good.
Oh Mrs Ashdown, why your boy's face so dry & wrinkled?
Oh Mr Dutch Elm... Why so many die?
Oh Mrs Hitler, why your boy he turn out so bad?
Oh Mr Melon, why your rind so thick?
Oh Mr Raspberry, why are you so hairy?
Oh Mr Sycamore tree, why you produce so much sap?
Owls Good, Badgers Bad!
Pear gets a soap...
Pekinese, cheddar cheese
Petrol tank, that's no place to bring up a child.
Pork and Lamb there the main two.
...Packet of extra strong mints... Artist formerly known as Prince!
Que'est que ce que ca?
Remember when Sellotape came out? Oh, the excitement!
Rory McGrath... He naturally funny, he don't need gimmick like big collar or pens in top pocket. He funny. He don't need to be post-modern!
Rose for the lady?
Sherbet dip, David Yip... That's one of them for you
So small a child could carry it!
Sorted, respect due.
Sporty Spice, Anneka Rice!
Swan - long neck! Goose - long neck! Owl - short neck, but swivels round!
Tasmin Archer Badger! I might have known!
That's it Stouffer, you help me.
...The tomato left the fruit union and got the entire Italian food system!
There he goes. Number 2. Ronnie Corbett!
Too small for the role of Pastachio, not curly enough to be a Cashew...The Almond.
Wagon Wheel, Seal!
What a waste of chops!
What are the chances of that happening, hey?
What is it about people who repair shoes, that make them so good at cutting keys?
Will barn and tawny owl ever get on?
Will you the pork or would you the lamb?
You like the lining though, it dazzles, it excites!
You've got to have a system...
Zenibab Badawi, Brian Harvey...You've got to have a system...I should 'ave me own key though, shouldn't I?
Marlon Brando.....Suzanne Dando - Gotta ave a system.
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Post by ChrisEvans on Oct 15, 2009 15:29:33 GMT
But if you are here......................Who's grooming the badgers in time for the badger parade???
Thats it Stoofer, you help!!
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Post by MetalPotter on Oct 15, 2009 16:03:29 GMT
FIIIIIIIIGGGHHHT!!!!!!!
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Post by prong on Oct 15, 2009 16:09:20 GMT
Well they make glue from horses, don't they? But if you go up and touch a horse, they're not actually that sticky.
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Post by Beardy200 on Oct 15, 2009 17:03:22 GMT
All the Stoofer and Badger shit is all bollocks but when he gets around to telling jokes he's hilarious.
My personal favourite being along the lines of:
"Nana is getting a bit old and frail now so we got her one of those red buttons to wear around her neck. Then if in the night she should fall over and be lieing there in pain, all cold and unable to get up, all she has to do is press that little red button and it will immediately ..... contact a local estate agent to come round and value the house" ;D
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Post by thepremierbanksy on Oct 15, 2009 17:06:53 GMT
Harry Hill should do the voice overs on come dine with me.
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Post by ChrisEvans on Oct 15, 2009 18:00:13 GMT
Mole......hole.......vole.......GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL
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Post by thewilse on Oct 15, 2009 18:03:57 GMT
Never say never, oops said it twice.
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