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Post by Trouserdog on Jul 17, 2009 22:23:21 GMT
Just had official text...
"Stoke City are ashamed to announce that Liam Lawrence has been sent home from the Austria tour in disgrace, due to him accidentally gluing a pigeon to his own shin.
Unfortunately when Tony Pulis gave the players a day off on Thursday, Lawrence decided to pass the time by smearing his shins with "No More Nails" adhesive and charged naked through the town centre, shouting "yabba dabba doo" in a dog's voice. The exact circumstances of the pigeon becoming attached to Lawrence are unclear, although a sausage roll and a pair of John leslie's leather driving gloves are thought to be involved somewhere in the chain of events.
Amazingly, the popular midfielder's antics would have remained undetected if it were not for the fact that part of John Rudge's duties are to check that no players have been having sex with starlings whilst off-duty. It was during a routine inspection of Lawrence's penis for the presence of feathers, that Rudge noticed a pigeon's terrified face protruding from the player's right sock. Upon making this dramatic discovery, he immediately alerted Tony Pulis on a special "unauthorised starling sex" hotline phone that the two of them have had installed into their skulls. The manager wasted no time in calling Lawrence into his office and, with his eyes shut, invited the midfielder to put a ten-pence piece into his mouth. As Lawrence complied, Pulis eyelids opened, to reveal two spinning fruit machine reels in the sockets, which eventually, and dramatically,span to a halt, revealing the words "Go Home".
Lawrence sheepishly arrived back at the Britannia stadium this morning, where City's physio, who used to be called Richard Gray, but who now has another name (possibly Clarence Scurvy III) immediately operated on the shin by smashing the pigeon with a golf club, until it turned into a sorry-looking pool of guts and shit.
On returning from Austria, Tony Pulis will hand out the maximum punishment to Lawrence, which will involve him having to drink some piss out of the Boothen End urinals, while Abdy Faye fists him up the arse."
I'm so glad i signed up to the official club texts.
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Post by exharrysbarjim on Jul 17, 2009 22:24:52 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Top Stopper on Jul 17, 2009 22:27:22 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Quality!
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Post by boppa74 on Jul 17, 2009 22:28:14 GMT
Fuckin hell, thats an enormous text message!!
;D
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Post by sage on Jul 17, 2009 22:29:27 GMT
That's one of the stranger things i've read on this website... ;D
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Post by dwr17477 on Jul 17, 2009 22:36:03 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Very good.
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Post by YarnfieldStokie on Jul 17, 2009 22:45:44 GMT
All that info for 25p. Bargain!! ;D
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Post by BiddulphStokie on Jul 17, 2009 22:49:24 GMT
whos complaining about official texts now!!
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Post by Olgrligm on Jul 17, 2009 22:56:59 GMT
I understand why they sent out so many crap texts now. They had to fund this one.
This is called a crap joke that hangs on the coattails of a good one.
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Post by hamsta2 on Jul 17, 2009 23:04:09 GMT
Funniest thing on here in years - probably because I think in pictures.
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Post by victoriaboothenboy on Jul 17, 2009 23:18:31 GMT
Just had official text... "Stoke City are ashamed to announce that Liam Lawrence has been sent home from the Austria tour in disgrace, due to him accidentally gluing a pigeon to his own shin. Unfortunately when Tony Pulis gave the players a day off on Thursday, Lawrence decided to pass the time by smearing his shins with "No More Nails" adhesive and charged naked through the town centre, shouting "yabba dabba doo" in a dog's voice. The exact circumstances of the pigeon becoming attached to Lawrence are unclear, although a sausage roll and a pair of John leslie's leather driving gloves are thought to be involved somewhere in the chain of events. Amazingly, the popular midfielder's antics would have remained undetected if it were not for the fact that part of John Rudge's duties are to check that no players have been having sex with starlings whilst off-duty. It was during a routine inspection of Lawrence's penis for the presence of feathers, that Rudge noticed a pigeon's terrified face protruding from the player's right sock. Upon making this dramatic discovery, he immediately alerted Tony Pulis on a special "unauthorised starling sex" hotline phone that the two of them have had installed into their skulls. The manager wasted no time in calling Lawrence into his office and, with his eyes shut, invited the midfielder to put a ten-pence piece into his mouth. As Lawrence complied, Pulis eyelids opened, to reveal two spinning fruit machine reels in the sockets, which eventually, and dramatically,span to a halt, revealing the words "Go Home". Lawrence sheepishly arrived back at the Britannia stadium this morning, where City's physio, who used to be called Richard Gray, but who now has another name (possibly Clarence Scurvy III) immediately operated on the shin by smashing the pigeon with a golf club, until it turned into a sorry-looking pool of guts and shit. On returning from Austria, Tony Pulis will hand out the maximum punishment to Lawrence, which will involve him having to drink some piss out of the Boothen End urinals, while Abdy Faye fists him up the arse." I'm so glad i signed up to the official club texts. Fucking Hell Trousers where did that come from? Been watching some scary films or what? |
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Post by scfcrob on Jul 17, 2009 23:29:45 GMT
Why didn't I get this text?
Does anyone know if the "pigeon" was a wood (aka ring dove), turtle dove, collared dove, feral (aka rock dove) or a stock dove?
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Post by kiwi on Jul 17, 2009 23:34:36 GMT
Thats good shit you,re smoking fella ;D
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Post by stokecityscott on Jul 18, 2009 1:47:20 GMT
fucking stunner
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Post by Timmypotter on Jul 18, 2009 4:48:55 GMT
enjoyable  |
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Post by firkthefox on Jul 18, 2009 6:16:56 GMT
Trouser - I can only take it you were off your face at this point ?
If this is supposed to be amusing..................
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2009 6:57:22 GMT
For any young people reading this, let it be a lesson to you. Just say 'No'.
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Post by Ddraigcoch on Jul 18, 2009 7:57:27 GMT
First laugh of the day. Cheers Trousers. Keep the faith.
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Post by OldStokie on Jul 18, 2009 8:03:10 GMT
That txt was born of flying saggars, bottom knocker's skidmarked drawers and a PMT luggage rack. Expect another one from Connie Opplesticks the Blythe Bridge Bulldog...who was a great shag if you put a bag over her face. Lateral thinking, Trousers. Not everyone can descend to our level.   Ps...for Trousers: I knew somebody who died because they put No More Nails on their shins and caught a sossage roll.  Another ps...for Trousers...let the good times roll.   OS. |
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Post by jpm64 on Jul 18, 2009 8:27:15 GMT
Seems you were the only one to get this txt...... Quite a "Coo" for you really !! Coat on |
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Post by OldStokie on Jul 18, 2009 8:30:51 GMT
Me and Trousers can sink to the same level sometimes, jpm. In his case, it's a snort what does it. With me, it's when I smell week old urine from my underpants or when I watch Brer Rabbit singing this stuff... OS. |
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Post by FullerMagic on Jul 18, 2009 16:33:35 GMT
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Post by nicholasjalcock on Jul 18, 2009 17:57:47 GMT
Is this actually true? This is is a weird way to celebrate a new contract? Perhaps, all stokies run down the A500 with a bird stuck to their shin? Perhaps, they have not got a driving licence and insurance for this bizarre act? Presumably, they will appear in Fenton Magistrates Court for this offence? Or perhaps, Fentonburg??
Even more strangely, Liam has gone from sh***** Mr Kitson's missus to s****** chickens?
What a strange boy????
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Post by bayernoatcake on Jul 18, 2009 20:32:13 GMT
;D Genius Trousers!
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