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Post by ted1965 on May 13, 2009 7:56:42 GMT
just a little tongue in cheek look at my favourite 7 managers in the Premiership, not.
Arsenal
Manager
Arsene Wenger-Magoo-------favourite quote, sorry I didn’t see it. Usually after any incident where his players have got away with murder on the field.
a k a Captain Myopic, who wears a red cape, a Gunners posing pouch and fights crime on Clapham common late at night.
He has been the leading campaigner for non contact football, a game where his side would dominate the world and he could justify not winning anything for years.
the short sighted professor from France has had many an offer from MP’s who would love him on the committee investigating their expenses, as one commented he’s perfect for the job he sees nothing.
He has also won the Dario Gradi golden penis award for grooming young men for the first team 4 years running.
Manchester United
Manager
Alex time bandit Ferguson---------favourite quote, referees don’t protect my players enough. This usually happens after one of his fair minded prima donnas have petulantly lashed out at an opponent for attempting to tackle them.
a k a Sir asshole of Govan, he stalks the touchline chewing gum faster and faster while his face turns from the texture of raw bacon to a Baboons backside within moments when a referee dares to give something against his side.
He also acts as agent for several of his players getting them roles in film and television. So far he’s managed to get Christina Ronaldo his Portuguese transsexual superstar the starring role as Frankenfurter in the Rocky Horror show. Wayne Rooney can be seen in Shrek 4 Grandma what big thighs you have. While Gary Neville is playing David Beckham’s thong in the new musical about his life.
Chelsea
Manager
what month is it, if it’s nearly the end of the season then they wont have the same one when next season begins. They have tried a Dutch one, an Israeli, an Italian a large Brazilian and of course the special one from Portugal but we all know it matters not who’s face is on the screen there’s a Russians hand working the strings. Favourite quote, yes Roman is that high enough or should I jump higher.
a k a as the revolving door, where the manager is spun around for a little while and then spat back out into the street like Fergie’s used chewing gum.
Roman has decided it’s time to elect a new manager at the Bridge, like the Pope when the media see the white smoke coming from the Bridge it means a new manager has been appointed however if they see black smoke over the bridge it means Roman has decided to claim on the insurance.
Liverpool
Manager
Rafael two tone Benitez, favourite quote, I just need another season, usually heard about February but this season it may not be heard till lunchtime Saturday.
a ka the Spanish waiter, because when he arrived he promised to deliver the much vaunted first Premiership title to the Anfield masses and they’re still waiting.
When not doing his stand up routine before the worlds press he is the chief curator of the North West hubcap and car stereo museum. He told their newsletter, I am overwhelmed with exhibits as I receive so many each week, usually under the cover of darkness and for a small fee.
Benitez was a little shocked earlier this year and threatened to quit the country after the treatment of fellow Spanish icon Manuel from Barcelona by Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross.
Benitez has spent money like Sir Fred Goodwin since he arrived with about the same results in terms of overall success.
West Brazil
Manager
Tony “Mr Ed” Mowbray. Favourite quote, you may laugh we’re just a few results off being a good side, usually heard after they have been stuffed again.
a k a as The Hokey cokey man, for his invention of a new kind of football dance, you put the back pass in, the back pass out, you pass to the keeper then you pass it all about you pass it to the forward and he puts it out, that’s what it’s all about.
Mowbray is north east by birth but Brazilian by inclination, his utopian football philosophy has entertained the residents of Rio De Smethwick for some time now.
Though it was his fine run in the Grand National that kept the nation breathless a few weeks ago, then I realized the horse was called Mon Mone and not Mr Moan.
When not seen smiling and laughing on the sidelines of the English Premier league Mowbray wows them on the after dinner circuit. The stories of his nights out with Russell Hoult. Those fun packed summer nights in Middlesboro.
Hull City
Manager Phil “The Creosote Kid” Brown, favourite quote, I have never been on a sun bed in my life. Usually just after everyone in the room puts on shades to avoid the glare as he walks in.
a k a as the orange oompa lumpa, though for legal reasons I am not prepared to speculate whether he’s ever put his wonky Willy in anyone’s chocolate factory.
The man who has done his best to lead Hull back to the future, from the Championship to the brink of Europe, to the verge of the Championship all in a 12 months, even Simon Cowell would have to agree that takes real talent. There’s only one thing Phil likes talking about more than football and that’s Phil Brown.
Away from football Brown has several sidelines, he often stands on the corner of busy streets just to hold up the traffic, as they wait for him to turn green. His contract with Tango is about to expire step forward Sunny Delight. He also makes money from his special motivational evenings, where he gets his audience to sit in the middle of a field while he tells them why no matter how successful you think you are, I am Phil Brown and I am better than you.
Newcastle United
Manager Alan “Messiah 15”, this one’s the real deal Shearer. Favourite quote, I refuse to discuss whether I am here for the long haul till we’re actually safe. Usually after another journalist asks him, so Alan are you staying even if they go down.
a k a Mary Poppins, not because he’s dull and boring but because on his days off he likes to dress as Julie Andrews to Mark Lawrenson’s Liberace and entertain the clients in the Lilac Pagoda piano bar Redcar.
After his inspirational victory over Middlesboro Monday evening the new Messiah has been upgraded to God in waiting by the level headed folks on the Tyne.
Alternative manager, Joe Tourettes Kinnear, he’s the actual manager and will take control of the club once more if the unthinkable happens and the new Messiah doesn’t keep them up.
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Post by stokey-pokey pudding and pie on May 13, 2009 8:32:31 GMT
"he often stands on the corner of busy streets just to hold up the traffic, as they wait for him to turn green."
brilliant!
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Post by Lightwood on May 13, 2009 11:37:25 GMT
some funny stuff in there Ted. Especially likes your comments on Phil Brown ;D
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Post by Inverness Stokie on May 13, 2009 11:39:41 GMT
Phil “The Creosote Kid” Brown  |
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Post by vestanpance on May 13, 2009 11:43:08 GMT
"he often stands on the corner of busy streets just to hold up the traffic, as they wait for him to turn green." brilliant! Pity it's not Ted's quote then, really. You should write a sitcom Ted. Perhaps something with Nicholas Lyndhurst in it or something. You're THAT funny. |
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