Lock up your livestock the Dingles are coming

[ted1965]

The Dingle hoards will soon be among us, their arrival will be softened slightly by the likely fall of their slightly less inbred cousins from West Brazil. It’s like going into hospital to have your appendix removed and finding out they took a testicle by mistake.

The Maraca bands may soon fall silent on the plains of Rio De Smethwick to the slopes of Belo Tipton, being replaced by sound of plinking banjo’s as the Dingles from deliverance country arrive in force. The Premiership will descend from Carnival in Rio to Hog branding time.

Tony Mowbray’s Samba boys life support machine looks finally close to being switched off and the patient which has been twitching like a fish in a keep net for a while now seems to be slowly slipping back into the dark recesses of the Championship.

Mowbray is still bewildered as to how his side have failed to establish themselves in the top half of the Premiership, we are not far off being a good side he lamented to anyone who was unfortunate enough to be listening, though in reality he should be on at the Apollo because when this man speaks about his Brazilian side it‘s pure comedy genius. He’s actually correct though, they are not to far from a good side about 40 miles to be exact Mr Mowbray. They do indeed wear stripes, red and white ones rather than the Tesco rainwear of your choosing. They also do something else your side hasn’t managed, they win games and compete in a league it seems you can’t.

Sadly for Mowbray if they fail to beat Manchester City, it looks like he will have to once again settle for being relentlessly groomed by Matt Smith on the Championship, unless of course Newcastle fall in which case poor old Tony will be pushed to the side like an unwanted step child when the prodigal one comes home without warning. Mowbray will be beside himself if Newcastle are relegated as ITV will surely concentrate all their love for the fallen giants from the north east and there will be hardly any left to lavish on poor Tony. He will feel neglected, may have to tell all on a daytime talk show. I was abandoned by my lover for the Messiah., David Icke will deny any wrong doing on his part.

The manager and supporters will of course attempt to cushion the blow of being relegated and seeing their most hated rivals replacing them by saying they would rather stick to their football principals than besmirch their club with something as financially rewarding and gratifying to their supporters as competing, showing some bottle and winning games. After all it’s not whether you win or lose but how you play the game that counts in the world of West Brazil and their idealistic manager. I am not sure how long those delusions will hold out among their more realistic supporters, my guess they will end just after the fixture list is published and they are heading to Doncaster and their Dingle neighbours head to Old Trafford.

This purist nonsense that they play some kind of total football akin to Brazil or Holland of the 1970’s is taking delusions of grandeur to extreme levels, the difference between those great sides they had legends like Cruyff and Pele where as Mowbray can call on Greening and Luke Moore. They passed the ball with purpose and intent, the Baggies pass it for effect. Those great sides were free scoring well oiled machines like beautiful Ferrari’s, the Baggies are a more like a misfiring Ford Fiesta with bald tyres and the headlights missing. It’s like taking Miss World home on a Saturday night after 15 beers and waking up Sunday morning to find she’s turned into Wayne Rooney’s twin sister.

It’s ironic usually at the end of an examination when you have so many passes to your name you succeed, yet for all those passes they have failed. Mowbray can dress his failure up as some kind of success for good football for me it’s simply the Hokey Cokey.

On the same day that the Dingles completed their rise to the top, we took a huge step towards safety, in fact we have taken a step closer to a top half finish with a side I am sure Mowbray would say were more akin to a relegation side. Strange how his logic and facts manifest themselves. While it’s still possible for disaster to strike I really feel confident that victory today cemented our position in the Premiership and the manager and players deserve every cheer, every word of praise going. We were everyone’s pick to be relegated before a ball was kicked, of the promoted clubs it seemed we were the least well equipped for the task ahead. That has been proved to be absolute garbage and the players, manager, owner and supporters have shown themselves to be up for anything that this division can throw at us.

Meanwhile over The Deliverance river in Dingle Town something is stirring, the locals are celebrating their promotion to the Premiership in the traditional dingle way. The plaintive cries of the sacrificial goat and the squeals of delight as brothers and sisters attempt to create the next generation of Wolves supporters.

Just as you thought it was safe to leave your livestock outside at night something awful happened, yes folks lock up your pets the dingles are coming. If you own a goat be sure it’s tethered indoors and with a strong lock on the shed door. From the shores of lake Dudley to the chemical vats of Wolverhampton the Yam Yams are on the move. I am sure they will like their neighbours be telling everyone not only will they survive but this time they are here to stay.

The Express and Star are to bring out the season in pictures as a keepsake of the teams achievements, we decided to go with pictures said the editor because lets face it words are going to be redundant for the vast majority of the supporters. They will of course bring out a commiseration edition for the West Brazilian half of their readership, it will have a black edged border and demand a minutes silence for football at the beginning of next seasons Premiership at their loss.

It seems Captain Morgan’s treasure chest has been found and it’s contents allowed the illegitimate half of the black country to storm the ramparts of the Premiership. Though he had better not sail his yacht too close to the Somali coast or they could see the treasure chest lost forever.

Just when you thought yam yam fever had been removed from the Premiership with the sad demise of West Brazil low and behold it’s been restored only far worse. They will storm into the top flight where the supporters will look like a Phil Brown tribute act in their orange shirts. It was once described as old Gold but that tarnished many years ago and turned to rust, now it’s definitely more like Bangkok brothel orange.

The public voice of the Dingles is that lovable old Fat controller, your friend and mine uncle Jez Moxy. It seems he has taken time out from playing with his little tank engine in his office and is now back in the limelight once more. I am sure if the money doesn’t materialise in great quantities from Captain Morgan. Jez will plicate the Dingle masses with a few of those old speeches he used to entertain us with all those years ago.

Manager Mick McCarthy, who looks like an extra from Last of the Summer Wine he could be the love child of Nora Batty and Compo. That is a scary thought for sure, Mick standing on the touchline in wellies and wrinkled stockings. The blunt speaking Barnsley lad with Guinness in his veins and pigeons in his heart will be hoping to eclipse his previous efforts in the top flight with Sunderland. If he doesn’t then the poor old Dingles will be plucking their banjo’s around some very unhappy camp fires.

So it’s seems to be adios Amigo’s to those samba loving Brazilians from the Yammacama and ow yam guing to the Deliverance boys from Dingle Town. Just remember if you get caught in the badlands by a group of them keep a sense of humour and pray you don’t hear the words, okay yam better squeal like a pig.

[salopstick]

mate im crying with laughter i dont know which funny bit to quote so i will settle for:

They will storm into the top flight where the supporters will look like a Phil Brown tribute act in their orange shirts



Manager Mick McCarthy, who looks like an extra from Last of the Summer Wine he could be the love child of Nora Batty and Compo

ted your best ever post

[rindalstokie]

Quality again.

[jacka118]

Ted all your posts are great reads - this one follows suit

[barmystokie1]

have to agree with everybody else - top read

[McLovin]

YA MUMS YA DAD, YA DADS YA MUM, YA DIRTY INBRED, YA DINGLE SCUM! ;D

[crimesy]

It’s like taking Miss World home on a Saturday night after 15 beers and waking up Sunday morning to find she’s turned into Wayne Rooney’s twin sister.

;D ;D

Top post once again, i always look forward to your posts. You finally got a place in the Fanzine though today eh Ted ;D How did that feel?

[canadianmoose]

As a Stafford lad, I hate Wolves with a passion. This had me in stitches.....top read.

[desman2]

Great read. I always think that Mick McCarthy looks like somebody looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.

[burberrybassist]

Top post Ted

[ted1965]

sadly life got in the way of football yesterday and I wasn't able to go to the game had to content myself with the radio, not even close to the real thing, though Garfield mate if I had something in the fanzine, an honour to make such a fine publication. I can't wait for West Ham.

[cr4zyd4ve]

''The plaintive cries of the sacrificial goat and the squeals of delight as brothers and sisters attempt to create the next generation of Wolves supporters.''


that has to be best bit for me, funnier because it's true!

[RAF]

I dislike Wolves and their fans more than anything else in football.
Scummy inbred spunkfunnels.

H

[vestanpance]

Outstanding.

They are already saying down here if we can finish halfway, they can "push for Europe"

I fucking hate Wolves.

[Stokie Wan Kenobi]

"It was once described as old Gold but that tarnished many years ago and turned to rust, now it’s definitely more like Bangkok brothel orange."

Fantastic Read Ted!

I do hate those Dingle Scum!

The main problem is that no pubs in Wolverhampton TOWN
centre will sell us beer! So looks like I will be locked in the ground for hours again next year!

[assessornum1]

the accent does it for me, horrible

[stokiejon]

Always hated them but even more after they were bricking fans leaving the ground last year and the worst thing was they were hitting their own fans more then stokies

[serpico]

"squeal piggy squeal"

[kiwistoke]

Staffordshire will soon be dominating the premier ....

[Caerwrangonpotter]

Remember folks, when we get our usual 3 points next season at the Molineux, wear a hard hat on the way back to the Station. ;D

[y_oh_y_delilah]

Ted, that piece makes me feel like a word thief in so much that I normally have to pay good money to be so royally entertained by literature that much.

Hope that you went for a long lie down after composing it, but just one question - how the hell would you know the shade of orange worn in a Bangkok brothel?

[jezzascfc]

Fantastic read, Ted. It encapsulates, far better than I could, my own views of the Yam Yams and West Brazil (the latter of which I used to have a soft spot for in comparison to their neanderthal neighbours, until they came over all "total football" arrogant on us).

My first wife (a short-lived mistake long since erased from my memory) was, and probably still is unless she has seen the light, a Wolves season ticket holder, the type to have had a day off work to protest when they tried to sell the "leg-end" that was Steve Bull!

As you can imagine, I enjoy more than most our regular wins at Yam Yam HQ, for which I always try to fly back, as I did for last season's 4 goal blitz.

It is so very sweet that, on the weekend that the Baggies slide back down to the Championship seemed all but sealed, our old Staffordshire rivals, whose delusions of grandeur almost match those over in Rio de Smethwick, should step forward as next season's fall guys, a perfectly packaged purveyor of 6 points to the Potters. That they are led by the Fat Controller only serves to make the prospect even more sumptuous.

So welcome to the bear pit, Dingles. Yam guin' down.

[snapotter]

;D ;D

Great post.........as usual!

[StatesideStokie]

Great post Ted!

Having lived in Wolves for three years while a student, I hate them with a passion. My bedroom window overlooked that shithole of a ground, and it was often mistaken for a puke stained toliet after a messy night out on the "town".

When I first arrived in Wolves, they had one side of the stadium completely closed down due to a fire (not me, honest) and they were getting "massive" crowds of 13,000. Within months they began work on their new stadium, and appointed that Turnip Taylor as manager, spending millions on "world class" talent such as Geoff Thomas and suddenly the dingles seemed to multiply and gates jumped to 26,000 every week. Fortunately the whole "big spending" never amounted to much, but it seems the dingle's still cling to the notion that they are a massive club with a divine right to top flight football.

We'll, they aren't. Their fans are filthy inbreds, their stadium is still the puke stained toilet it has been from the day it was built, and I look forward to seeing Stoke put them right in their place next season.

[lew86]

Hello Dingles.

Bye Bye Dingles.

[knowles]

Superb. Simply superb.

[Will_75]

I always think that Mick McCarthy looks like somebody looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.

;D

[jord]

quality had me in stitches

[white wall boy]

"The plaintive cries of the sacrificial goat and the squeals of delight as brothers and sisters attempt to create the next generation of Wolves supporters."

I used to work in Stafford, this explains alot ! quality indeed

[Inverness Stokie]

Just amazing !