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Post by 4kingal on Jul 4, 2008 0:06:23 GMT
A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why?' says the blonde. The boy says: 'Because I'm the fucking goalie' ;D
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Post by yes-mate on Jul 4, 2008 0:19:28 GMT
im pretty sure that joke was posted on this board like... YESTERDAY!
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Post by 4kingal on Jul 4, 2008 0:46:59 GMT
im pretty sure that joke was posted on this board like... YESTERDAY! Well I'm so fuckin' sorry of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most ???
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Post by vote for pedro on Jul 4, 2008 2:07:00 GMT
well i didnt read it yesterday But i thought it was quite good
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Post by Menorca Stokie on Jul 4, 2008 7:31:13 GMT
I didn't read it and hink it's ace as a Friday Joke. ;D
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Post by 4kingal on Jul 4, 2008 10:27:39 GMT
I didn't read it and hink it's ace as a Friday Joke. ;D Thanks menorcasi, but I do apologise for the double post, lot on my mind at the moment (What's left of it anyway )
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Post by jemma1989 on Jul 4, 2008 10:29:28 GMT
its quite funnt and i didnt see it yesterday so thanks.
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Post by bayernoatcake on Jul 4, 2008 10:30:52 GMT
Good joke!
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Post by boscfc on Jul 4, 2008 11:25:54 GMT
I liked it too.
And anyone who feels the need to insert the word "like" in the middle of a sentence a la some fucktard from Friends .. is clearly a raving teapot.
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Post by Dazzlerscfc on Jul 4, 2008 11:27:38 GMT
Good one
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Post by DamonHillsEyebrow on Jul 4, 2008 14:59:49 GMT
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6 . Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the F****** cat from across the road and up a tree. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with string and bind tightly to leg of dining table, get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E Department, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
5. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air
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Post by 4kingal on Jul 4, 2008 17:08:23 GMT
;D ;D
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Post by Time4aPINT on Jul 5, 2008 2:21:52 GMT
Liked the joke 4kingal! Dogs are so much better than cats ;D
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Post by citygent10 on Jul 5, 2008 17:20:21 GMT
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . .. .. . (scroll down) 'Let's put all the puzzle pieces back in the box.'
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