|
Post by potterrotter on Dec 24, 2023 13:48:21 GMT
Be good to have Campbell back for a game, before he's out for another 2 months. Think it's time to look for his replacement. Can't see him signing a new contract, if anybody is willing to take the chance on him. Great player on his day but to injury prone now.
|
|
|
Post by theonlooker on Dec 24, 2023 13:48:31 GMT
I completely disagree that the midfield is fine as is. Burger aside it's dreadful. No running capability and no creativity whatsoever. If Schumacher is to make his system work we are desperate for two genuine 8s in there that can work up and down and also create. Johnson's legs have gone and Laurent is bone idle. Neither player is anywhere near creative enough either. Bae is the potential ace in the pack but no way can we rely on him alone. Until we fix that and possibly the wide options too we simply won't score goals whoever is up front. Which area of the pitch would you say was stronger? I'd say we're reasonably strong in the full back areas and with Burger, the DM area also after yesterday's very surprise performance. Centre halves are a car crash, wingers not much better (Campbell aside as an inside forward) and the forward we have is pretty much untried so far given the dearth of creativity in the team. If we increase the creativity and he's doing the best Martin Carruthers impression then we can write him off too. I might be wrong but from the little I've seen of Plymouth, what we tried to do yesterday and the comments from the manager I'm looking at the two box to boxers in midfield as being absolutely key to how he plays. I just don't think we have any worth the name. All of them bar the potential in Bae are crap to differing degrees.
|
|
|
Post by lordb on Dec 24, 2023 13:54:07 GMT
We've actually got more points than some of our performances have deserved, notably Cardiff and Coventry where we could/should have been beaten by 2 or 3. Let's not kid ourselves, Schumacher has a very BIG job on his hands. As others have said, he will have learnt a lot yesterday...let's see what he can do with that knowledge, and this, rather poor, squad of players, over the Christmas period. Surely then he will get a chance to bring some players in? Agree re Coventry as they had chances and we didn't Cardiff had one chance as did we so that was the right result
|
|
|
Post by somersetstokie on Dec 24, 2023 14:13:08 GMT
Maybe Steven can work some magic, sign Wesley on a free, and turn him into a World Class centre forward!
|
|
|
Post by vinnyoverson on Dec 24, 2023 14:47:58 GMT
Sure this has been mentioned before, but the non-Rotherham home league goals paint a depressing picture 19 August Fantastic Vidigal finish v Watford 24 Sep Vidigal consolation goal at 0-3 down v Hull 21 Oct Mmaee v Sunderland. Nice finish McNally header from corner 25 Oct Own Goal v Leeds 12 Dec Penalty v Swansea So basically 3 goals from open play (and 2 from set-pieces if we're including Wes v Leeds) in the 11 games since the false dawn of Rotherham And the last non-pen a Stoke player scored in a home game was on October 21st This for me is our biggest issue by far. Our lack of creativity from open play and ability to craft clear cut goal scoring opportunities is crippling us. How many times do we walk away from matches thinking “if only player x had not missed that sitter”? Hardly ever, because our problem is for the most part not converting chances it’s creating them in the first place. This in turn puts huge emphasis on the defence/keeper to not make mistakes, which they will inevitably will. I think that most of us feel our defence is worse than it probably is statistically and relative to other teams in the league. And obviously other teams in this league struggle to create but then they build an identity and game plans to mitigate for that by sitting deep, playing on the counter and making sure their set pieces are a strength. Schumacher l’m sure will be focusing on ways to get us building more pressure in open play and (eventually) creating high value chances and converting them. The second half yesterday was encouraging in this regard against a very well drilled defence.
|
|
|
Post by ChesterStokie on Dec 24, 2023 15:05:38 GMT
SS obviously likes Burger and I think he will be captain in due course. Yes, I thought exactly that when I heard Burger's post match interview. He said some really interesting things about the patterns of play and what we did well and not so well. A big contrast to most player interviews where they only have the 'wind them up and point them in the right direction' mentality (or whatever Lou Macari's quote was).
|
|
|
Post by peterthornesboots on Dec 24, 2023 15:06:03 GMT
Sure this has been mentioned before, but the non-Rotherham home league goals paint a depressing picture 19 August Fantastic Vidigal finish v Watford 24 Sep Vidigal consolation goal at 0-3 down v Hull 21 Oct Mmaee v Sunderland. Nice finish McNally header from corner 25 Oct Own Goal v Leeds 12 Dec Penalty v Swansea So basically 3 goals from open play (and 2 from set-pieces if we're including Wes v Leeds) in the 11 games since the false dawn of Rotherham And the last non-pen a Stoke player scored in a home game was on October 21st This is why I genuinely think that we are in big trouble this season. We have no goals or creativity in this team and I can only see this being rectified by recruitment in January (which is easier said than done). We have scored just 16 goals from open play in the league this season (one being an own goal and another being Gooch's cross). Apparently we have scored just five goals at home from open play. Our last few games do not make great reading especially as three of those teams are those around us in the table ... Millwall - no goals. West Brom - our goal came from a miss-hit cross. Swansea - one goal courtesy of a penalty. Sheffield Wednesday - no goals. SS has a massive task ahead of him.
|
|
|
Post by mickeythemaestro on Dec 24, 2023 15:09:07 GMT
Maybe Steven can work some magic, sign Wesley on a free, and turn him into a World Class centre forward! That'd be nice 😊 Hopefully he's the type of coach who can improve players. First step, get some confidence into the team and then coach them to be more effective players. I believe there's a decent amount of ability in this squad, it just needs a direction towards some kind of identity. I believe Schumacher can and will do this. Early days but I am getting the right vibes from him. And those early and productive substitutions were a very brave move in a game he himself will have viewed as a must not lose. That's brave. And we got lucky at the end but maybe when we start bringing on this more positive mind set we start generating some more luck than we are used to.
|
|
|
Post by Gary Hackett on Dec 24, 2023 15:40:25 GMT
I'm really hoping that Schumacher learnt a few things yesterday, and there are a lot of negatives with certain players that he'll need to find out quickly. (His early subs yesterday gave me hope that he's already clocked DJ and Leris as two players we shouldn't be starting with.) Believe it or not though, we do have some positive aspects to the team that we can build on: - Wouter Burger is starting to look the part in centre midfield. He's a bit ungainly at times (my daughter likened him to one of those inflatable men you see flapping around outside car garages ???) and he can't head a ball to save his life, but I'm actually paying him a compliment in saying that he's a poor man's Steven N'Zonzi. He transitions the ball well, rarely loses it, and uses his frame well to shield the ball and retain possession. He was our most expensive buy and you can tell. - There are fairly strong options to play alongside him. Ben Pearson hasn't had his best season so far, but he's a top-half Championship player and does a lot of unseen dirty work (no pun intended) in midfield. I'm convinced we'll see a different Josh Laurent now that Neil has gone. If we're playing away and want to protect the defence a bit more, then those 3 are a very good midfield at this level. -Bae Junho is going to be some player once he adds some end product to his game. He livens us up every time he comes on, and in home games I'd start him as a number 10 in front of Burger and Pearson/Laurent. Whichever combination we pick, that midfield triangle is strong. It's a starting point. (There's also the prospect of Baker potentially rediscovering his old form under a new manager.) We need the rest of the spine to improve now- a keeper, at least 1 good centre back and a striker. Totally agree, strong additions at Goalkeeper, CB and CF could make a real difference to this side. A left back is just as high priority.
|
|
|
Post by Fred Merger on Dec 24, 2023 16:49:48 GMT
Totally agree, strong additions at Goalkeeper, CB and CF could make a real difference to this side. A left back is just as high priority. I think Gooch is OK there for now, but agree when Enda moves on in the Summer we need more back up.
|
|
|
Post by tqstokie on Dec 24, 2023 17:00:07 GMT
What about the stumbling blocks like Pearson, Bonham and the centre backs?
|
|
|
Post by Bojan Mackey on Dec 24, 2023 17:24:38 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team.
Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham
Frank Fielding: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him.
Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy.
Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever
Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior.
Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens.
Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy.
Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally
Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player
Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark
Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems
Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly
Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion.
Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry.
Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson
Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January
Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae.
Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke
Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X
Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids.
Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell
Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley.
Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game.
Nathan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe
So out of that it leaves you with a squad of:
Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe
It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance.
|
|
|
Post by mtrstudent on Dec 24, 2023 17:54:14 GMT
If we get proper quality replacements for Bonham and Rose then I think we'll be fine this season.
Some of the attacking problems come from deep IMO, leaving our players isolated. Only Leris has had real support from an attacking fullback.
(New) Junior - McNally - (New) - Thompson/Stevens/Gooch Pearson-Burger Haks-Bae-Vidigal Mmae
I'd like to see a bit of rotation with Campbell/Lowe/Sidibe.
|
|
|
Post by stokiejoe on Dec 24, 2023 18:28:25 GMT
Maybe Steven can work some magic, sign Wesley on a free, and turn him into a World Class centre forward! I also believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, it would need Schuey to become Harry Potter ( also fictional) The phrase " knock me down with a feather" had Wesley in mind
|
|
|
Post by CBUFAWKIPWH on Dec 25, 2023 10:56:10 GMT
Sure this has been mentioned before, but the non-Rotherham home league goals paint a depressing picture 19 August Fantastic Vidigal finish v Watford 24 Sep Vidigal consolation goal at 0-3 down v Hull 21 Oct Mmaee v Sunderland. Nice finish McNally header from corner 25 Oct Own Goal v Leeds 12 Dec Penalty v Swansea So basically 3 goals from open play (and 2 from set-pieces if we're including Wes v Leeds) in the 11 games since the false dawn of Rotherham And the last non-pen a Stoke player scored in a home game was on October 21st This for me is our biggest issue by far. Our lack of creativity from open play and ability to craft clear cut goal scoring opportunities is crippling us. How many times do we walk away from matches thinking “if only player x had not missed that sitter”? Hardly ever, because our problem is for the most part not converting chances it’s creating them in the first place. This in turn puts huge emphasis on the defence/keeper to not make mistakes, which they will inevitably will. I think that most of us feel our defence is worse than it probably is statistically and relative to other teams in the league. And obviously other teams in this league struggle to create but then they build an identity and game plans to mitigate for that by sitting deep, playing on the counter and making sure their set pieces are a strength. Schumacher l’m sure will be focusing on ways to get us building more pressure in open play and (eventually) creating high value chances and converting them. The second half yesterday was encouraging in this regard against a very well drilled defence. Spot on. I'd get the calls for a striker if we were missing chance after chance but we aren't - shove a new striker in there and it won't make a blind bit of difference because we simply aren't creating good chances. We created more on Saturday than for some time but again the chances were half chances. We need to get the midfield and fullbacks to find a way of bringing the strikers into the game and that's more to do with what we do on the training field than what we do in the transfer market.
|
|
|
Post by marrer on Dec 25, 2023 23:03:54 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team. Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham Fraser Forster: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him. Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy. Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior. Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens. Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy. Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion. Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry. Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae. Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids. Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley. Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game. Ryan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe So out of that it leaves you with a squad of: Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance. Well done mate. A finer piece of prose I'm struggling to remember. I'm pretty broad minded but even I used to find your edgy comments on Bojan close to over the top. This is brilliant stuff. Tell you what, I'd love to hear you do a 90 minute commentary instead of that new bloke on Radio Stoke. Wanking monkeys, exotic Dutch biscuits and unimpressed scouse birds, I'd tune in whether there was a game on or not!! Well done sir 👏
|
|
|
Post by mickstupp on Dec 25, 2023 23:28:05 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team. Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham Fraser Forster: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him. Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy. Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior. Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens. Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy. Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion. Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry. Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae. Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids. Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley. Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game. Ryan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe So out of that it leaves you with a squad of: Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance. Quality post, but Fraser Forster has never played for Stoke as far as I’m aware, and the young striker is Nathan Lowe.
|
|
|
Post by Bojan Mackey on Dec 26, 2023 10:23:09 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team. Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham Fraser Forster: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him. Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy. Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior. Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens. Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy. Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion. Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry. Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae. Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids. Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley. Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game. Ryan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe So out of that it leaves you with a squad of: Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance. Quality post, but Fraser Forster has never played for Stoke as far as I’m aware, and the young striker is Nathan Lowe. I knew I’d ballsed up somewhere, I’ve also realised I’d completely forgotten Jordan Thompson, which I think is a quite fitting metaphor for his stoke career to be honest.
|
|
|
Post by clarkeda on Dec 26, 2023 11:02:57 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team. Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham Fraser Forster: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him. Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy. Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior. Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens. Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy. Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion. Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry. Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae. Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids. Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley. Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game. Ryan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe So out of that it leaves you with a squad of: Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance. Post of the year. Also. Reckon SS will give SS (Sol Sidibe) a game?
|
|
|
Post by bertiestan on Dec 26, 2023 11:37:58 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team. Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham Fraser Forster: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him. Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy. Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior. Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens. Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy. Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion. Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry. Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae. Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids. Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley. Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game. Ryan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe So out of that it leaves you with a squad of: Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance. Quality post, but Fraser Forster has never played for Stoke as far as I’m aware, and the young striker is Nathan Lowe. How can a supporter not know that🤷🏼♂️
|
|
|
Post by Bojan Mackey on Dec 26, 2023 11:51:58 GMT
I mean Frank Fielding.
Fuck me, sorted that now.
Well done BM you pipe.
It’s Christmas I don’t know what day it is currently leave me alone.
|
|
|
Post by TinkerT on Dec 26, 2023 12:00:16 GMT
That is pretty much bon on with those, question is how long did that take for you write BM? Every player you say you'd keep I'm the same and I'd say majority of stoke fans feel the same
|
|
|
Post by cvillestokie on Dec 26, 2023 12:35:25 GMT
Burger, Baker, Junior, Wilmot and Junho are players he could build a good team around.
Overall, if we could bring in a physical left back, centre back and wide forward (+ a goalkeeper), I think we’d push up the table quite quickly. We lack strength and power. Many of the players we’ve brought in are too similar. Good clubs are diverse.
|
|
|
Post by thornestein on Dec 26, 2023 12:38:38 GMT
Burger, Baker, Junior, Wilmot and Junho are players he could build a good team around. Overall, if we could bring in a physical left back, centre back and wide forward (+ a goalkeeper), I think we’d push up the table quite quickly. We lack strength and power. Many of the players we’ve brought in are too similar. Good clubs are diverse. not Baker or Wilmot, very average players
|
|
|
Post by dirtclod on Dec 26, 2023 12:39:45 GMT
Yes I also agree Bojan Mackey and like that you consider that we still will need squad players. I see too many black/white "Start" or "get rid" posts on here, we're still going to need some damned depth.
Back when Brown was here, I thought he'd make a great squad-player (at the least) but doubt that many agreed with me. It was his attitude we miss - but that is now spilt milk. You were fair and as I read it - had the same deja-vu feeling as others have said here "Yep, I agree with that one, Yep he's spot on with that one" etc. And I think most of us had forgotten about Fielding.
|
|
|
Post by cvillestokie on Dec 26, 2023 12:47:27 GMT
Burger, Baker, Junior, Wilmot and Junho are players he could build a good team around. Overall, if we could bring in a physical left back, centre back and wide forward (+ a goalkeeper), I think we’d push up the table quite quickly. We lack strength and power. Many of the players we’ve brought in are too similar. Good clubs are diverse. not Baker or Wilmot, very average players I have a soft spot for Baker. He’s the only midfielder who can score goals, which is an evident issue in our team. Wilmot is peobably average in this division. He’s also only just 24 and will improve not get worse over the next 5-6 years. Improving from average will take him to good and make him someone worth building a team around. Tezgel also, if he can stay fit.
|
|
|
Post by thornestein on Dec 26, 2023 12:56:23 GMT
not Baker or Wilmot, very average players I have a soft spot for Baker. He’s the only midfielder who can score goals, which is an evident issue in our team. Wilmot is peobably average in this division. He’s also only just 24 and will improve not get worse over the next 5-6 years. Improving from average will take him to good and make him someone worth building a team around. Tezgel also, if he can stay fit. agree with Wilmot is keep as a squad player and see if he does improve , Baker i think his goals masked some poor performances but he can strike a ball for sure
|
|
|
Post by davethebass on Dec 26, 2023 14:53:25 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team. Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham Frank Fielding: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him. Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy. Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior. Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens. Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy. Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion. Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry. Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae. Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids. Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley. Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game. Nathan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe So out of that it leaves you with a squad of: Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance. I do like your creative writing style Mackey, so such a long post was a treat! Enjoyed reading that, felt like reading Douglas Adams or Joseph Heller, with added spice. And a fair appraisal of the squad I reckon, agree with all of that and good to see it all set out in the same place. Although I do think maybe a bit harsh on Johnson, but then that's moot really because I agree Bae Junho should have his place anyway. Maybe I'm just bedazzled by Johnson's "long hair flowing over his shoulders" lol
|
|
|
Post by senojbor on Dec 26, 2023 19:41:27 GMT
SS has a decent squad to work with to be fair. Our last manager wasn't very good with his building blocks
|
|
|
Post by HappyClapper on Dec 27, 2023 11:57:50 GMT
Well let’s have a look at what he’s got to work with and determine if they’ll be feasible members of a Schumacher team. Jack Bonham: As a person I really like Jack, he’s never complained, he knows he’s a lump of lead floating around a division of gold, however it cannot be understated just how much he terrifies me when he’s in goal, it’s like having a private dinner party but entrusting someone with Tourette’s as your chief server, it could go without a hitch but you never know when he’s going to have a moment and throw everything onto the floor, as a backup fine but he should never be starting however he has a place in the squad and is likely on absolute beans, so a tick for Bonham Frank Fielding: Our Scott Carson, he’s here to make sure none of the new lads finger the wrong birds and give them a copy of the Clayton Wood A-Z guide, in fact I reckon even he’s forgotten that he used to be a goalkeeper once upon a time, as a squad member pointless but if he retires and they hire him as a glorified chaperone, maybe he has a place here, otherwise an X against him. Tommy Simkin: Didn’t completely hose his pants when he played which is testament to his character and with the right development he could potentially be our future number one, although I said this with Bursik and he ended up being as effective as a blind paraplegic with thalidomide arms so the jury’s out, tick for Tommy. Ki-Jana Hoever: Probably the laziest twat I’ve ever seen when it comes to defending, the gaps he leaves for opposition wide players can be measured in hectares not metres, he’s not our player and ambles around with about as much care as a 16 year old on his Saturday twilight shift at B&M, but he scored a banger against Coventry about 28 centuries ago so bizarrely he keeps getting a pass somehow, X for Hoever Junior Tchamadeu: Staggering that he’s only just turned 20 years of age, he’s built like he was forged on Zeus’s anvil, he’s destined for the very top of the game without a shadow of a doubt even if we do our usual Stoke trick and try to turn him into a floundering, useless mess, should be our starting right back with immediate effect until we sell him to one of the top clubs for £860 trillion. Massive tick for Junior. Enda Stevens: He’s at the Enda his career, I thought it was a wank signing at the time and I remain unconvinced, it’s like when Jones signed that other fossilised left back who’s name escapes me, he’ll be fine as backup until the end of the season but he’ll be another in a veeeeeeery long list of forgettable players we’ve had since relegation. X for Stevens. Lynden Gooch: Once I finally stopped giggling, I actually noticed he’s probably our most passionate player, on the pitch at least, he leaves it all on the field every game which is all you can ask, and he covers a variety of positions, a useful player to have in the team and around the club so a tick for Goochy. Luke McNally: at the start of the season it was the sublime and the ridiculous, at times he looked like the reincarnation of Franz Beckenbauer, only to turn up next weekend looking like Keith Chegwin after a weekend on the sniff and special brew at Pontins. I don’t think he’s a Premier League defender in all honesty but he can do a job here, would like to see us sign him, so a tick for McNally Michael Rose: Rose reminds me of the time I went to Manchester on the piss once and drank several bottles of Belgian beer on the train on the way there, once I got to Piccadilly, I focused my gaze on the exit however when I began my journey towards said exit my legs and torso completely disagreed which direction they wanted to go in and I stumbled into a bin, followed by a particularly unimpressed scouse bird, I digress but that’s what his defending reminds me of, he has the right intentions but in practice it’s a complete disaster, I’d keep him as a squad player purely because of our frightening lack of depth at CB, tick for Rose as a bench player Ciaran Clark: He must have spent his few months out of the game in a Praia De Luz resort as his legs have completely vanished, I doubt we’ll see much of him and I don’t particularly care that we won’t see much of him either, X for Clark Ben Wilmot: I’ve always liked Wilmot (sorry Bayern), but he seems to have a ceiling, he’s at the age where I’d now expect him to start ironing out some of the brain farts he has been prone to over the past couple of years but the same mistakes happen, I hold out hope that he’s a late bloomer but he’s got a head full of wanking monkeys at times in game, tick for Wilmot but he could easily be a bench player if we unearth some gems Ben Pearson: I’ve wanted Pearson for ages, a proper horrible shithouse who can play a bit, except the version we’ve ended up with is just the horrible shithouse, we’ve actually looked better with him out of the squad and to me he hasn’t looked fit all season, he looks like a bricklayer fresh off a two month Marbella cocaine bender. Tick but only just, he needs to improve and quickly Wouter Burger: Burgers latest game leaves Pearson in a pickle, he’s demonstrated how to play the defensive midfield role with style, and not just chopping people down like your old man does at 5 a side, I stand by my viewpoint that he will become our most important player, indeed he seems to have clicked immediately with Schuey, should be the captain now instead of that hapless clown Laurent, massive tick for Wouter, plus he’s Dutch so I like to imagine he spends his downtime absolutely off his tits on exotic biscuits absolutely blaring trance from his Cheshire mansion. Josh Laurent: Speaking of, I’ve never seen anyone in my life look so impressive as an athlete but then proceed to mince around like Dale Winton, needs to be the first one out of the door in January and his time here has been nothing but an unmotivated, lazy disaster, I’m convinced making him captain was a dare put forward to Neil by Tricky Ricky after a night necking the finest bottle of Dura they could get their hands on, the biggest of X’s for this dingleberry. Daniel Johnson: Even on a free he was too expensive, I’m a massive fan of hyperbole (I know, shock), but I genuinely cannot see what his purpose is as a footballer, because he can’t run, he can’t shoot, every pass is more over hit than a Alabama housewife, he can’t tackle and he appears to have the footballing brain of someone who could be declared legally dead, I don’t see a future for him here in any capacity, X marks the spot for Johnson Lewis Baker: For a while Baker was the absolute danglies, and looked every inch a Premier League footballer, however he’s since reverted to type and gone completely missing, I know he’s had a bad injury so I’m prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but for me I don’t think he wants to be here, I don’t think he ever wanted to be here to be honest, I’d keep him as a bench player personally so I’d give him a tick but I think he’s gone in January Jun-Ho Bae: I love bae, he’s done nothing of note to warrant the hard on I have for him yet but I think it’s plain to see there’s a serious player in there, moving from the bright lights and technology of Seoul to witnessing someone shovel their own faeces into a bag for life outside a Tesco would be enough to culture shock anyone into a state of complete stupor, once he gets to grips with the language a bit more I think he’s going to be another of our key players, needs to be starting every week over Johnson, big tick for Bae. Mehdi Leris: I cannot fault the effort Leris puts in, he runs himself into the ground every game but let’s be honest, he’s crap isn’t he? I think every squad benefits from having a couple of “utility men” who can play a variety of positions and Leris fits this bill along with Gooch, however Gooch is the far superior player, looks every inch a £750k shot in the dark and hopefully it stuck player to me, except instead of sticking it slid slowly down the wall like a wayward lump of spooge and is now stagnating on the ground, tick for Leris purely for squad depth and he seems a nice bloke Sead Haksabanovic: I haven’t seen enough of him to make my mind up, he’s also not our player and if he can’t be arsed to turn out for Celtic and make himself look a hero by turning St Johnstone defenders a new arsehole every week then do we really want him here? A Tesco value Arnautovic, not for me based on what I’ve seen so far, X Andre Vidigal: Well then, none of us expected this after his sexual start to the season did we? In those first few games he was terrifyingly good, to the point where I thought we’d only get until January with him until someone came swooping in like a love island contestant on an ASOS brand deal, but since he got kicked like Kurt Zouma’s cat at Millwall away he’s looked a shadow of himself, I still think he’ll come good, I suspect spending winter here and not in the Algarve probably doesn’t help matters and he was also £450k, so we’re going to have phases with him I suspect, tick for Vids. Tyrese Campbell: Ambitions of Barcelona, application of Boreham Wood, he’s barely even a flash in the pan he’s more a tepid flickering light in a mixing bowl, spends more time on the lines than Daniella Westbrook and when he is on the pitch he either gets injured again or waltzes around expecting everything fed to him on a plate, I won’t miss him and I don’t think the squad will in the long run, X for Campbell Wesley: He could swing his cock at a building and knock it over however this comes with a heavy price, that price being he literally cannot run, he can barely move actually it’s like watching a rock’em sock’em robot that eats 12 egg whites and ground up pieces of Andre the Giant daily trying to amble through rapidly drying cement, his future isn’t here and I think he’s going to end up in some nondescript Bulgarian league smacking part time builders into the turf like pieces of dried up dogshit. X for Wesley. Ryan Mmaee: I can’t make Mmaee mind up with him, there’s a very intelligent player in there, some of his general play would show this, but then he’ll follow it up with the effort of squeezing out a hungover wank and spend an entire half rolling around like snoop doggs blunt paper, it’s a tick but only just because I don’t think he’s cut out for the English game. Nathan Lowe: Remains to be seen if he will be a consistent performer at this level but he’s shown he’s willing to put the work in, I actually think he’ll score goals in this side once things start coming together, he can handle the physicality a lot better than Mmaee can despite being a foetus in comparison, tick for Lowe So out of that it leaves you with a squad of: Bonham Simkin McNally Tchamadeu Gooch Rose Wilmot Pearson Burger Baker Bae Leris Vidigal Mmaee Lowe It’s not the most enthralling but at least it semi-resembles a spine that can be built upon, it’s built out of soggy biscuits currently yes but at least there’s a chance. Great Post mate
|
|