ILoveGlennWhelan would have a field day with this thread title.
Couldn't resist a revisit...here's a sample of ILoveGlennWhelan's debauched genius in honour of the great man...
Many people on this board questioned the importance of Whelan. A couple of years back I posted a thread, highlighting that Whelan doubting had been on the increase since some ephemerally impressive performances by Imbula and Affelay. Boy do those Whelaphobes have egg on their willies now. Imbula and Affelay? What were you thinking? I struggle to think of two players who look worse in a Stoke City shirt. Not sexy at all.
You ignored my data. My years of collating and analysing. Even after all this I persevered; I ignited one final rallying call, but no. I was at that Everton game, chanting “when I get that feeling”, and not one fan was nearly as turned on as I was. Not one. Now look what you have done. Now the only data that matters is this:
I think the graphs speak for themselves. An instant thrust, followed by a long, solid, sustained stiffening, which ultimately withered dissapointingly.
On the 20th July, I stated, and I quote, "I feel the reduction in team sex appeal that this Whelan-shaped hole leaves us will really spank us hard". Just one year later and consider ourselves thoroughly spanked (and not in a good way). We have completely lost our sex appeal. You can see it in our performances. I’ve never seen a more flaccid player than Berahino in my life. Jese is grotesque, and just the thought of Imbula sends cold shivers down my pants.
It used to be the likes of Steven N'Zonzi and Peter Crouch at the recieving end of Whelan's balls. Now it's John Terry who gets to feel his pleasurable balls. Where there isn't a Whelan, there isn't a way, unless you count down, which I don't.
Whelan’s goal against Sheffield Wednesday was the best goal I have ever seen. I was aroused, sure; but there was an undercurrent of sadness to my arousal. A confused excitement, only added to by the hostility of Villa Park when you painfully squeal your impulsing desires. I don't understand what their problem is.
But its not just about football. Think of the school attendance, think of Ireland's GDP, think of the weather, the babies named Glenn, the Whelan-inspired hair-cuts, the pie sales!!! I bet half of you couldn't even tell me Whelan's current hair style, or the last time you ate a pie. We could have so much more, but you were greedy. Greed has killed Stoke City Football Club's sex appeal, but not only that, it has killed Stoke City. A club so strong, hard and veiny has flopped. Flopped back to where we used to sleep, depressingly dangling in our ex wife's bed.
You don't deserve Whelan.