Wednesday Joke

[onlyonesirstan]

Jake was dying, His wife becky was by his bedside. "Becky" he said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess. I must die in peace. I shagged your best mate, your sister and your mum" "I know" she whispered softly, "Thats why I poisoned you, you bastard.

[PotterGold]

;D Karma for making me laugh

[onlyonesirstan]

Cheers Mate. so lets try another joke. Monica Lewinski goes to the dry cleaners and puts a dress on the counter. She says to the man "I'd like to get this dress cleaned". The dry cleaner, who is nearly deaf says "come again miss". no she replies, this time its mayonaise

[diaoshairyballs]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."


so true!!!!!!!! ;D

[tazi]

Dont mean to be rude or offensive but those jokes are pretty wank.

[onlyonesirstan]

diashairyballs. Brilliant mate, and like you said so true. ???

[onlyonesirstan]

wrong smiley thing

[onlyonesirstan]

Go on tazi, give us a joke mate.

[tazi]

What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?.










































He wiped his bum!.

[u2oxeterstokie]

Thats shit!

[tazi]

Was gonna go on a roll then

[Deleted]

A man rang the local paper to place an obituary for his late wife.

He only had a pound which would get him 3 words.

He said "Write Margaret is Dead."

The guy at the paper felt sorry for him and said "You can have 3 more words and I wont charge you."

The man said "Thanks, can you put Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale."

[diaoshairyballs]

One day a native Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees....Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

;D

[chrispk76]

First Cut is the Deepest

two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jelly I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a born and I couldn't walk for two years!"

[Deleted]

The BBC has reported that petrol stations are going to start playing porn movies at their pumps so you can see someone else getting fucked at the same time as you!

[presthaven]

An Anglican minister, Methodist and Baptist all took their wives on a cruise, there was a huge tidal wave and they were all drowned. On reaching St Peters gate the Anglican knocked on the door, St Peter answered and said I am sorry but you can't come in for all of your life your god as been money infact you married a woman named Penny. The Methodist also knocked on the door and was refused because his god was food and had married a woman named Candy. The Baptist turned around to his wife and said lets go Fanny we are not going to stay here to be insulted.

[tazi]

Janet went to the pharmacist to buy some viagra tablets, "Tell your husband to take them quickly," advised the pharmacist "or he'll get a stiff neck".

[DamonHillsEyebrow]

A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly
oblivious to
the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?'
asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,
in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound,
horrifying AGONY
for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't
you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[DamonHillsEyebrow]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found t he following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[CillaBlacksPissFlaps]

Any one had them Viagra Eye drops? They make you look hard as fuck.

What is Winston Churchill most famous for?

He's the only white man called Winston.

[DamonHillsEyebrow]

Men Are Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah ..
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[lawrieleslie]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from Kent and bragged that he had told her to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Norfolk and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking.
He told them the first day he hadn't seen any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said he had married a bird from Bentilee. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said that the first day he couldn’t see anything, the second day he couldn’t see anything, but the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

[scfctilidie]

Jun 4, 2008 9:47:17 GMT st0key said:

The BBC has reported that petrol stations are going to start playing porn movies at their pumps so you can see someone else getting fucked at the same time as you!

This joke has been posted on here loads lately by all different posters

[scfctilidie]

Jun 4, 2008 10:23:34 GMT DamonHillsEyebrow said:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found t he following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

You thief !

that was my joke of the karma competition

it is good tho ;D ;D