1. They're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps....
This is so you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you.
2. Heard about the new shampoo for Pikeys?
It's called Go and Wash
3. Why do Japanese people have slanted eyes?
Because they're still squinting from the blast.
4. What's brown and runny?
Kelly Holmes.
5. I was watching the God channel with my disabled little sister the other day. After around thirty minutes, she rose from her wheelchair and walked across the room.
I stood up and screamed, "it's a miracle."
She turned round and replied, "no, I just can't stand to listen to this shit anymore," turned the TV off and collapsed in a heap in the middle of the room.
6. What is the difference between Jam and Jelly?
You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!!
7. Whats the difference between a lazy wife and the England Football team?
Nothing- they both deserve to get beaten, and are lucky if they don't.
8. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Blue Wkds went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
9. A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie's chair.
"Ah, Suzie, why didn't you put your hand up?"
"I did, Miss, but it just ran through me fucking fingers."
10. A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I'm driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You fucking nutbar, you're not in a car, you're in a mental hospital!"
A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the fuck up will you, he's giving me twenty quid a day to wash the cunt."
11. How did Jesus really die??
He went into Somalia saying i am the bread of life.
12. In the indian last night when the waiter came over and said,"Curry ok sir", I said ok one song then Fuck off
13. A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
14. First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
15. The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'
The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'
16. How does every black joke begin?
With a look over your shoulder
17. I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
18. I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.
19. I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
20. Why don't black people go on cruises?
They're not falling for that one again.
22 I've just been to a Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick!
23. A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
24. How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
25. Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of 2 pounds and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!!!
27. A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
28. I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, whats your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! now fuck off you cunt!"
29. A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
30. A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"
31. When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.
When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
32. If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
33. Why is the bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
34. The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
35. We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
36. British weather: it's just like a Muslim, either Sunni or Shi'ite.
37. Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy
38. Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
40. How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
When your wife has to chew before she swallows.
41. I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.
She never saw me coming.
42. Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son!"
43. What's the difference between a gay and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your sausage.
44. Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"
A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.
Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"
45. Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.
46. Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
47. Apparently 60% of kids are overweight, and 72% of kids are having underage sex...
...So who is shagging all the fat kids?
48. Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.
49. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet?
50. I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why, she said, "because I'm trying to examine you!"
51. I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance."
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought, "fuck it. I could win that!"
52. Two sperms are having a race, one sperm says, "My arms are killing me with all this swimming, are we near the womb?"
The second sperm says, "Not for a long time yet, we've only just gone past her tonsils!!
53. Now this is a story all about how my
Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there I'll tell you how I become the prince of my house's Cellar
In west Austria born and raised
******* my daughter is where I spent most of my days Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool and building incest dungeons underneath my pool I took three kids out cuz they were all good told my wife they were just children from the neighborhood.
I ****** just one of my daughters the police got scared But they don't know the pin-code to my daughter's Cellair.
They called the partyvan and when it got near The license plate said "AUSTRIA" and it had dice in the mirror "you crazy" they said, "those ideas in your head are rare,"
I said, "cool homes, it's rape time, home, to Cellair!"
She crawled out the house after 7 offspring And she yelled to the cops "Yo, I can't speak German!"
But I'm still pimping, I got three more lairs, so come and party with me, in my second Cellair.
54. Shannon Matthews mum burst into tears when she heard about the locked away Austrian Kids!!
She said later ....................
All that fuckin wasted child benefit!
55. What does Elisabeth Fritzl have in her sandwiches?
Daddys Sauce.
56. Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays?
He puts his fags out in the pool.
57. A Taliban has been found dead at the bottom of Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.
Apparently it was a suicide bummer.
58. A Charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals, descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's Behind You!"
59. Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant
others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly.
"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny."
Then came the second straight guy.
"Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously,
"It doesn't look good, Dick."
60. Definition of a gay?
A bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends.
61. Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra.
The judge described them as hardened criminals.
62. Two women were chatting.
"My 15 year old son is getting to be a right little bastard, hanging about in a gang, never coming to visit his grandparents with me - honestly, I sometimes think he wouldn't care if I died", the first woman said.
"I'm lucky in that respect", the second woman said, "My son is 22 now and loves his old mum, he snuggles up on the sofa with me of a night to watch TV, always gives me a kiss and hug whenever he is going out or going up to bed, we even do paintings together at weekends."
"I know", says the first woman "sometimes I wish my son had Down's Syndrome too."
63. What do Retards and Slinkys have in common?
Both are useless but give you a laugh when they fall down the stairs.
64. What's the difference between having a badly poured pint and having a child with Downs Syndrome?
If the head's too big on your beer you can blow it off
65. A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
66. A family of prostitutes are talking.
The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".
The mother says, "in my day it was £5".
The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".
67. If women are so perfect at multitasking
How come they cannot have a Headache and Sex at the same time ?
68. WOMENS PERSONAL ADS GUIDE (THE REAL MEANINGS)
40ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - Bitch Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker
69. My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something suprising and sexy.
Turned out she didn't mean rape.
70. Women dont want to hear mens' opinions, they want to hear their own opinions but in a deeper voice.
71. Whats the odd one out ??
A: Washing Machine
B: Toaster
C: Woman
D: Freezer
B Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked
72. A Woman is like a pack of Cards...
You need a Heart to love her,
You need a Diamond to win her,
You need a Club to smash her head in,
And a Spade to bury the bitch.
73. Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You're about to get fisted.
Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh I've just come,
Pass me a hanky.
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cos here comes my willy.
Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show us your tits.
Roses are crap,
Violets are shit,
Sit on my face,
And wiggle a bit.
Roses make me laugh,
Violets make me titter,
You're a dirty bitch,
And you love it up the shitter.
Roses are red,
But I like carnations,
You're so crap in bed,
That I fucked your alsatians.
Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina.
Roses are red,
It's elementary,
Let's ring up a friend,
And try double-entry.
Roses are shit,
Violets are crap,
Show me your clit,
And I'll cum in your lap.
Roses are red,
Violets aren't magenta,
If you have a baby,
I'll eat the placenta.
74. I like my whisky like my women. 15 years old and mixed with coke.
75. What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital?
The dishes and dinner if she's got any sense.
76. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
77. Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?"
Sheila turns around with tears welling up in her eyes. "Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don't want to be a burden, so I'm just gonna kill myself!"
Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. "Sheila, not only are you a great fuck, but you're a good sport about it too!"
78. I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE".
Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!
80. Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?
Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there.
81. Womens football
82. *** MAN RULES ***
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
83. A survey was recently conducted into why men enjoy blow jobs so much.
- 10% said they liked the physical feeling.
- 12% said they liked the dominance.
- 78% said they liked the 20 minutes of fucking silence.
84. I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?"
He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!"
"That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?"
"He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!"
"That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
"Son, today just isn't your day."
85. What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common?
Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger
86. Police are investigating the bigger picture of Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year old Susie from Reading.
87. Some mornings I wake up bitchy
Other mornings I let her sleep.
88. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast.
89. What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An Ironing Board.
90. Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"
91. I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say "You're next".
They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals...
93. A man says to his wife "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"
94. What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank?
Your ears.
95. Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
96. Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper?
"Get out of my bed right now, and you can take all your fucking mates with you too!"
97. A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.
One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt.
The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.
After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.
"What happened?" demands a doctor...
"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked," comes the reply.
98. Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night.
She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds.
Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn't very sexy.
99. A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
'Is there a problem Officer?'
The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'
The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'
'You don't have one?'
The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'
The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'
'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'
The policeman says, 'Why not?'
'I stole this car.'
The officer says, 'Stole it?'
The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'
At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'
'She's in the boot if you want to see.'
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'
The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'
The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'
The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
100. If you're bored and want to find out something amusing. Go to
www.imdb.com (internet movie database)
and in the search criteria type in the word wanker.
Quite fitting that this guys name comes up, the biggest wanker I can think of to be honest.
101. This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
