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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2020 11:53:22 GMT
Tony and Elaine have lived in a bungalow since Tony developed some health issues a few years ago.
After Tony had undergone numerous tests and was receiving treatment his doctor says, “Tony, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Tony replies, “God and I are great ! He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Tony's wife.
“Elaine,” he says, “Tony is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Elaine. “He’s peeing in the fridge again!”
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Post by pretzel on May 21, 2020 19:48:12 GMT
Caught my neighbour going through my bin and taking the used tea bags to recycle them.
I've had to take out a re-straining order against him.
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Post by Deleted on May 21, 2020 19:59:24 GMT
Phil was in a Gents Outfitters and found a very cheap suit on the Sale rail. The shop assistant was trying to convince him to buy the suit as they had been trying to sell it for ages,
"I do like it but the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," Phil complained. "That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," Phil argued. "No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only £30."
Finally, Phil bought the suit, and decided to wear it straight away. He cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened to be passing and couldn't help noticing him.
"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow." "Yes, such a shame," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't his suit fit well ?"
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Post by danceswithclams on May 22, 2020 7:55:37 GMT
Why don't ants get coronavirus?
Because of their anty bodies.
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Post by chuffedstokie on May 22, 2020 8:02:13 GMT
Why don't ants get coronavirus? Because of their anty bodies. It's the way yer tell em!. 😁👍
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 22, 2020 9:17:04 GMT
A duck walks in to a pub one lunchtime, climbs on a bar stool and says to the landlord, "A pint and a packet of Cheese n Onion please mate." The landlord is astounded and blurts out, "You're a duck!" "Spot on," says the duck. "And you can talk!" "10 out of 10 now can I have my beer and crisps, please?" "Sorry," apologises the landlord, "but I've never had a talking duck in here before." "Working over the road on the new housing site," replies the duck. "Wow and how long have you been working on site?" The duck picks up the local newspaper and starts thumbing through it. The landlord takes the hint. The lunchtime visits carry on for a week until one day the owner of the travelling circus walks in. "You with the circus?" enquires the landlord. "Own it." "Boy have I got something for you!" Just then the duck walks in sits and orders his beer and crisps. The circus owner explains who he is and would the duck like to join his circus? "The big canvas tent thing?" "Yeah." "Big pole up the middle?" "Yup" "Sawdust floor?" "Aha" "Two big flaps for doors?" "Got it." "What the fuck do you need a plasterer for?"
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Post by 828492 on May 23, 2020 18:31:38 GMT
I know it is not Friday, but. Alexander Boorish Piffle Johnson. A joke of a Prime Minister. Let’s just hope he is not Prime Minister next Friday.
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Post by wagsastokie on May 23, 2020 19:05:35 GMT
I know it is not Friday, but. Alexander Boorish Piffle Johnson. A joke of a Prime Minister. Let’s just hope he is not Prime Minister next Friday. Id suggest he will be prime minster for a lot more Fridays to come
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Post by felonious on May 23, 2020 19:10:38 GMT
I know it is not Friday, but. Alexander Boorish Piffle Johnson. A joke of a Prime Minister. Let’s just hope he is not Prime Minister next Friday. Id suggest he will be prime minster for a lot more Fridays to come Best to ignore him Wag... otherwise another decent thread is going to be trashed by petty politics.
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Post by wagsastokie on May 23, 2020 19:12:57 GMT
Id suggest he will be prime minster for a lot more Fridays to come Best to ignore him Wag... otherwise another decent thread is going to be trashed by petty politics. Totally agree As the talking duck in the last joke on here would say there's to many leftist spammers on this board
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2020 22:48:05 GMT
Why don't ants get coronavirus? Because of their anty bodies. I actually tried not to laugh and failed
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Post by spiderpuss on May 24, 2020 12:49:44 GMT
I see my local Timpsons is still closed, aren't they a key worker though?
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Post by spiderpuss on May 24, 2020 12:50:42 GMT
Saw a delivery driver with the slogan "we go the extra mile" on their van. I don't see the point, I'm not walking up Hanley to collect my parcel.
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Post by redstriper on May 27, 2020 19:44:31 GMT
I know it is not Friday, but. Alexander Boorish Piffle Johnson. A joke of a Prime Minister. Let’s just hope he is not Prime Minister next Friday. Can't you just fuck off out of the decent friday joke thread with political cack... the board is riven with it already, peddle it elsewhere...
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2020 20:00:44 GMT
I'm getting in early this week to try to lighten the mood a little.
A man dies and is sent to hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The man says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’
In the second room, people are standing in shit up to their noses. The man says no again.
Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The man says, ‘I pick this room.’
Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the man wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
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Post by murphthesurf on May 28, 2020 13:44:38 GMT
Id suggest he will be prime minster for a lot more Fridays to come Best to ignore him Wag... otherwise another decent thread is going to be trashed by petty politics. Well said, that man.
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Post by chuffedstokie on May 28, 2020 22:18:15 GMT
Her; "I'm just going to pop to the shoe shop this morning dear, what will you do?". Him; "I might as well bugger off to Majorca for a week then".
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2020 22:37:51 GMT
Saw a delivery driver with the slogan "we go the extra mile" on their van. I don't see the point, I'm not walking up Hanley to collect my parcel. I got into a fight with a Hermes Driver in the pub He threatened me and said to me 'I know where you live mate' I had to point out to him that he obviously had no bloody clue
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 29, 2020 9:57:12 GMT
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and freezing winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
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Post by danceswithclams on May 29, 2020 11:51:42 GMT
Just failed my ventriloquism exam...
Can't say I'm surprised.
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2020 12:11:14 GMT
I was sat on the Underground in Paris next to this little fella wearing a pointy hat, holding a fishing rod
He was a Metro Gnome
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on May 29, 2020 13:38:34 GMT
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard this BA 747, we've now reached our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet so kick back, relax and enjoy the remainder of the flight. In line with the coronavirus requirements I'm working from home today...
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2020 20:11:46 GMT
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little fella on your knee!”
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Post by 828492 on May 29, 2020 21:41:38 GMT
There has been a terrible explosion at a French cheese factory.
All that was left was de Brie.
(Am I allowed to post this? Is it too political? )
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Post by Goonie on May 29, 2020 22:42:45 GMT
A really vain chap has a face lift and is so thrilled with the result he has to test it out.
So he goes to the pub and asks the barmaid 'How old do I look?'
35 she replies. 'Well I'm actually 47' he beams.
Next he goes McDonalds for dinner and on being served asks the cashier the same question.
'32' she says. 'Well I'm actually 47' he smirks.
On the way home he catches the eye of an old lady at a bus stop and asks her how old she thinks he is.
'Well,' she says, 'my eyes aren't what they were but in my youth I could feel a man's wedding tackle and I could tell exactly how old he was'
Amazed and desperate to find out if she could really tell his age he agrees and after a quick shufty to see no one is watching allows the old lady inside his pants.
She rummage around for a few minutes and with a knowing look says 'You're 47'
Astonished the man asks how the hell she knew that.
'I was in the queue behind you in McDonalds'
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 5, 2020 11:54:55 GMT
America appears to have successfully prevented a second wave of Coronavirus.
By keeping the first one going.
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Post by lordb on Jun 5, 2020 11:57:13 GMT
There has been a terrible explosion at a French cheese factory. All that was left was de Brie. (Am I allowed to post this? Is it too political? ) It's a bit cheesy
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 5, 2020 12:17:52 GMT
The winner of this years country music awards has just been announced.
It's the National Anthem.
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Post by 828492 on Jun 5, 2020 12:32:00 GMT
Asked the baker why one cake was twice the price of his other cakes on sale. He said, ‘That’s madeira cake’.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jun 5, 2020 14:05:24 GMT
I'm reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
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