1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to
beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?
a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly
chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper
and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three
yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then
it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.
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2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?
a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you fuck. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.
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3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you
from overhead. How do you react to this?
a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.
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4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?
a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the fuck is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of shit on a skateboard....?
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5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area.
How do you head the ball?
a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from West Brom.
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6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance
ahead of you, so what do you do?
a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.
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7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a
smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely
outcome?
a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.
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8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?
a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your
hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard
dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old
boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless
twat who kept falling flat on his ar5e for no reason as well.
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9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to Stoke?
a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in history.
c) Earthquakes in the Potteries area have increased by 3,000% because
of your great big fat ar5e hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it
and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.
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ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Vincent Pericard.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, you are Vincent Pericard and you're fucking crap.
