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Post by Danstoke82 on Apr 8, 2008 15:08:08 GMT
Just thought I'd try and lighten the mood a bit:
Arguments from all sides. FOOTY QUESTION TIME.
THE CHAMPIONSHIP....spoken to by our resident experts.
The run-in to the end of the promotion race hots up in the Championship with five teams vying for two spots. Five managers, all wanting a crack at the Premier League and the riches that come with it. It's neck and neck at the top, with no team taking the top spot by the scruff of the neck, it's making for very intriguing action, so this weeks topical debate is hosted jointly, by footballing great and resident Stoke archeologist and country and western great, Garth Crooks and resident Championship football has-been and "expert" Peter "Ive got a mean backflip" Beagrie.
Garth -
"Ha..Ha...Hallo everybody, it's me...Garth Crooks... you know me, footballing legend and Tottenham icon and what a pleasure...oh what a pleasure it is to host this debate. Oh Im so pleased to be here, can't you see the smile on my face, oh it;s so exciting, yes...oh yes! Im so happy to be here. Life is great, life is wonderful, oh did I mention I played for Tottenham Hotspur?"
Beagrie -
"Why eye man, Howay' the lads and all that. Yes you did Garth, but did I mention I can backflip?"
Garth -
"Oh yes, yes, you did, gosh it's great being here, life is fruitful, I love you Peter!"
Beagrie -
"Wahey, easy Garth"
Garth -
"Oh yes, yes. Many thanks to our hosts from last week, Graeme Souness and David Platt, the conversations were riveting, oh yes they were!"
Beagrie -
"Why eye man, I loved it when Souness chinned him after Platt's remarks that Souness was and still is a
crap manager."
Garth -
"Oh yes, yes. Poor Platty, did I mention I played for Tottenham?"
Beagrie -
"Why eye, you sure did Garth, anyway let's introduce todays guests, on the show today we are in for a treat, we have five managers from the Championship, something I know a lot about, discussing their credentials at going up next season. Tony Poolis from Stoke, Ady Boffroyd from Watford, Tony McMowbray from West Brom, Gerry "Ray Beowulf" Johnstone from Bristol City and Charlie Brown from Hoole City man.
Garth -
"Oh yes, and not forgetting our special guest, Premier League referee Knob Styles"
Beagrie -
"Howay Garth, you mean Rob like"
Garth -
"Oh yes, Yes! how silly, did I mention I played for..."
Beagrie -
"Howay Garth, you sure did, I played for Everton, was a bloody good player too man, anyway let me start by welcoming our guests at this time, the five managers who I just named but cannot remember there names like because the Championship has no signficance to me, despite the fact that Im an expert on it, especially when it comes to Stoke City"
Poolis -
"Thats just fookin t'riffic that ain't it?"
Garth -
"Oh yes, yes, this is fantastic, everybody embrace life like I do"
Beagrie -
"Howay lads and welcome to the show"
McMowbray -
"Hmmph, Jackie McNamara, Hibernian, Darren Jackson, mrmph"
Garth -
"Oh...um..um, didn't quite catch that"
Beagrie -
"First question to you Tony McMowbray, now how does it feel to manage quite possibly the best footballing side the Championship has ever seen"
McMowbray -
"Hmph, mrmph, well, Easter Road, Tannadice, John Hartson!, hmmph, grmmph, grumble."
Boffroyd -
"EXCUSE ME!! DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME, IM ADY BOFFROYD, THANKYOU TO ALL OF YOU, THATS THE SUPPORT IM TALKING ABOUT!!"
Garth -
"Oh um, yes, woohoo, get me some more red bull. Mr Boffroyd, why are you carrying that microphone, are you gonna sing us a little number? I love songs..."especially, we love Spurs".
Boffroyd -
"BECAUSE I WANT TO GET MY POINT ACROSS, THANKYOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT, THATS WHAT ITS ABOUT"
Johnstone -
"Well I fancy myself as a bit like Ray Winstone really. Proper East End Boy. Mark my words 'arry, Bristol City are goin up guv'nor.
Beagrie -
"Wahey, I ain't 'arry. You think you got a realistic chance of going up?"
Poolis butts in..
Poolis -
"Of course, the lads have been t'riffic they really have. I couldn't have asked for anymore out of them"
Garth -
"Oh yes, well, I know a lot about Stoke, it's been about 45 years since Stoke have been in the top flight hasn't it?"
Johnstone backs in.
Johnstone -
"'Old up there nipper, We are top, I think it's been about 25 years since Stoke have been in the top flight, but did you know that we are the pride of Bristol 'arry?"
McMowbray -
"Hmmppph Mumpph, haggis, Hibernian, Tynecastle, Mrmmmpphh!"
Poolis -
"T'riffic Gary, but it ain't 'ard is it, Bristol Rovers have never been the same since I left, couldn't have asked anymore of them really"
Beagrie -
"Howay, so I have to ask the question me'son, who out of you's has the best chance of going up? Charlie Brown, we haven't heard much from you?"
Brown ***SILENCE***
Garth -
"Oh yes, well. I love life, give me some Pro-Plus! perhaps you are as boring as some make out Charlie Brown?"
Brown ****SILENCE***
Poolis -
T'riffic that ain't it, even McMowbray makes more sense then Brown, couldn't ask anymore of him really."
Beagrie -
"Why-eye, well it couldn't be closer at the top, just a few points separates the top four, Gerry Johnstone, your team, Bristol City, were promoted last year, could you be the first team to gain two consecutive promotions in as many seasons since Watford?"
Boffroyd -
"HEY HOLD UP!! I WANNA THANK THE SUPPORT FOR GETTING US THEM TWO PROMOTIONS, THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!!"
Johnstone -
"Bloody 'eck guv'nor, that microphone is givin me a large one in me' ead. You been shoutin' ever since I met you at the top of them apple and pears. You bet we gonna go up 'arry. With stars like me boy' Liam Fontaine and Enoch Showumni, we can't fail can we, proper pucka me old'son.
Garth -
Oh yes, well, well yes, woohoo, give me a couple of litres of coffee, I love life!!. Tony Poolis, Your side seemed to have faltered a little, do you think you can pull it together?
McMowbray -
Hmmpphhh Grmpphhh, Kris Boyd, John Collins, ARCHIE GEMMILL!!!! Mmmppphh
Poolis -
T'riffic that! bloody well interrupting me, The lads have done so well to get this far, it's a team effort, you go in that dressing room and see how they feel, I cant ask for anymore from them, I really can't, they all worked so 'aard, worked there blooming socks off they have.
Garth -
Oh yes, but, wow! caffiene!!! the season hasn't finished yet, are you saying your shutting up shop?
Poolis -
Hardly, but it's all about defence now, the lads been t'riffic at the back. I couldn't ask anymore of them. They worked their socks off they have.
Boffroyd -
HOLD UP!!! WATFORD ARE GOING UP, THANKS TO THE FANS FOR GETTING US THERE, THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!! OH AND THANKS FOR GIVING US YOUR CAPTAIN ON THE CHEAP.
Johnstone -
Easy guv'nor, I enquired about Johnny Boy Eustace, but he said he didn't like Scrumpy Jack, I ain't got a friggin' player on me' books with that name.
Boffroyd -
I JUST WANNA THANK THE FANS FOR CHEERING JOHN EUSTACE!! THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!!
Brown ***SILENCE****
Garth -
Oh yes, yippy! yippy do-dah!! Charlie Brown, in all honesty, how do you rate your team, Dull City's chances of becoming Champions?
Brown ***SILENCE***
Beagrie -
Howay the lads! any comments Charlie?
Brown ****SILENCE****
Garth -
Woohay!! living life to the full!! Okay time to welcome our next guest, top english referee and gentleman, Knob Styles!!
Deafening silence in the studio, as Styles comes out in a fake Versace suit and Dolce and Gabbannini Sunglasses.
Boffroyd -
OH HOLD UP!! HERE HE IS, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TWAT?! THANKS TO THE FANS FOR THAT ONE, THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!!
Beagrie -
Why-eye, welcome Rob Styles. Now first question being and this comes from a J Eustace based in Watford, why-eye, near you Mr Boffroyd pet?!. He asks "Mr Styles....why are you such an over-rated, self indulged, mornic cuntwrag?"
Garth -
Wow!! whoopy doodah! what a question!!
Styles -
Do you know who I am!? have you not seen this face before?! I don't have to answer this, Im off!!
Styles stamps his feet and stomps out, tripping over McMowbray's huge hooter, spilling his twenty thousand red cards all over the floor. Clearly embarrassed he jumps about in a hissy fit.
Styles -
Ok!! Ok!! I admit, I have a fascination and am horny for a good red card!!! I love them, I've even given them names!! Graham Poll is my favourite, we have our special Saturdays nights together under the duvet, Im leaving and don't think I'll be back!!.
Styles slams the door, but then pops his head back round.
Styles -
Oh!! Oh!! did the papers get that?
Camera's then shot back to the garden mole like face features of Garth Crooks, who us guzzling a bottle of lucozade, along with some caffiene pills.
Garth -
Yippy!! Yippy Doodah dee!! Well lets thank Knob.....
Boffroyd -
HOLD UP!!! I WANNA THANK THE FANS!! THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!!! THE 12TH MAN!!! GET IN!!
Suddenly the door flings open again.... and inwalks...
Beagrie -
Why-eye, Its Alan Pardewrella!!!
Pardewrella storms in, wiping the tears away from eyes. Clutching a Darren Bent poster, a box of miracle-grow and a book titled "How do deal with hoofball, an ex-bully story".
Pardewrella -
How dare you!! how dare you!! I am Alan Pardewrella!!! I took West Ham to a cup final. I am the only manager who plays grass roots football, if anyone is to go up, then surely it is Charltontina. I boast world stars like Zheng Zhi, Majhid Bougherra and Chris Dickson!!
Poolis -
T'riffic lad him, is he big? does he look like Evander Holyfield? I'd like to sign him on loan. How many goals he scored?
Pardewrella -
Pah! he is too good for your little outfit, we are ex-Premier League, besides your grass isn't grown with this specially formulated Premier League branded Miracle Grow endorsed by Graham Gooch and Shane Warne, they used it on their hair, I'd never let my players go, my poor darlings would hurt their feet, playing on your northern soil. NO DEAL!.
Johnstone -
He could play at Ashton Gate guv'nor, in for a penny, out for a pound?!. I'll throw in some jellied eels for ya.
Pardrewrella -
Pah, sorry, but who exactly are you?
Johnstone -
Manager of Bristol City, top of the league, goin up, apple and pears.
Pardewrella -
Top of the league?! YOU?? A non-ex-Premier League manager?! I wouldn't hear of it. Im a friend of Sir Alex you know?.
Garth suddenly gets up with his three cans of red bull and bag of smarties, clutched securely in his grasp.
Garth -
Woohoo!! Only smarties have the answer Beagrie! Im off to see the wizard! the wonderful wizard of Spurs.
Garth skips out of the room, over enthusiastic and full of life.
Brown ***SILENCE***
Pardewrella -
Hmm football peasants, what would Arsene say, I loaned Alexander Song from him you know? Bet none of you could.
McMowbray -
Hmmpphh....Grmmmpphh.....Steven Pressley, Tom Boyd..........CRAIG BEATTIE!!
Brown -
Dean Windass?
The entire studio audience are shocked to hear words come out of the mouth of Dull manager Charlie Brown.
Boffroyd -
DEAN FOOKING WINDASS!! WE SHOUTED AT HIM, THANKS TO THE FANS FOR THAT ONE THATS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, 12TH MAN!!!
Johnstone -
Oi, geezer, can you put them flaming microphone down, getting on me jam crackers!
Poolis -
He ain't no much for big Mama!
Pardewrella -
Imbeciles! you are all inferior to that of Leroy "cockney rebel, the gangster" Lita.
Poolis -
Is he black and over 6'8''?
Pardewrella -
No, he's under 6 foot.
Poolis -
No deal!!
Johnstone -
Ex-Bristol City I'll 'av ya know guv'nor.
Pardewrella -
No!! No!! wipe the dirt off me, ahh Phil, please come here. He is Reading and Charlton. Both with Premier League etiquette, not the dirt and silt that is Bristol City.
McMowbray -
Hmmmrph, armmmph...Colin Hendry! JIM LEIGHTON!!! grmmmph.
Johnstone -
Sorry nipper havent a dodgy ticker what ya saying.
Boffroyd -
DARIUS HENDERSON!!! THATS FOR THE FANS!! THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT, THEY MAKE IT HAPPEN!!! 12TH MAN!!.
At that Boffroyd throws the microphone over his head like a glorified rockstar.
Boffroyd -
THANKYOU WOODSTOCK!! WE LOVE YOU!! GOODNIGHT!!
The Microphone falls back to earth smacking the overshaped hooter of Tony McMowbray!
McMowbray -
Hmmpphh....Fuck.....shit...bollocks....DRINK!!!....WOMEN!!....ARSE!! DRINK!!
McMowbray scuttles out of the studio, looking down at the floor as he does during every interview, looking to start a fight with Boffroyd. Voices can be heard down the hall.
McMowbray -
DRINK!!! FERK!! WOMEN!!
Boffroyd -
I GOT THE 12TH MAN ON MY SIDE!! THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!! ITS THE FANS THAT GOT US THERE!! 12TH MAN I TELL YA!!!
Suddenly, Gerry "Ray Beowulf" Johnstone's phone rings.
Johnstone -
Ello, friend or foe?...Kate fucking Moss, your havin' a giraffe, dinner at the IVY, Primose Hill for drinks, fucking spot on me ol' dodger, I'll fetch the Cortina.
Johnstone gets up adjusting his gold chains and sovereign's.
Johnstone -
Jellied eels for me tonight me luvvlies, Im off to the carzy, then off for a Ruby down the pisser. Ciao.
Johnstone grabs his sheepskin coat and makes way. By this time, nobody has noticed that Dull Manager Charlie Brown has gone home back to the KC. He really is that dull. Pardewrella and Poolis continue a heated discussion on "bullying".
Pardewrella -
How very dare you!! your men manhandled my darlings like a Tesco Value Rump Steak in our matches!
Poolis -
I couldn't ask for anymore from the lads, they worked 'aaarrd, gave it their all.
Pardewrella -
And that man, you call him, The Beast, he was grotesque, he almost ate one of my globetrotters, Lloyd Sam!!
Poolis -
T'riffic, Beast will have him for breakfast, couldn't ask for anymore. You should of seen him in that dressing room, a warrior amongst men.
Beagrie cannot get a word in edge-ways and continues to swot up on his latest book titled "Peter Beagrie - me and my back-flip". After hours of arguing, Poolis starts to write his team selection, Pardewrella appears to be taking his afternoon nap, accompanied by a copy of the F.A. Cup final programme, West Ham v Liverpool, with a note etched on it, in red biro, stating "kill Steven Gerrard". Camera's roll back to Beagrie, who's having a quiet moment, with photo memorabilia from his glory days with Scunthorpe United.
Beagrie -
Whahey Pet, well thats about it for this week, my thanks to our guests today, I've actually lost Garth, I think he's on the roof pretending to be Spiderman, too many red bulls I think pet! on the show next week, Roy Hodgson talks about how Fulham can still make the Champions League this season and Paul Jewell on why the hell he signed he bothered to sign Robbie Savage, who thought that buying a new car would keep Derby up.Please join next week's hosts, Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer, should be great pet! I'm off to re-master my backflip. Goodnight, Im off to give me advice on another Championship encounter.
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