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Post by maxplonk on Jan 16, 2021 10:36:58 GMT
It has been shown that playing music to cows improves milk yield. It goes in one ear and out the udder.
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Post by heworksardtho on Jan 17, 2021 21:25:07 GMT
My mates caught Covid from his cat ........don’t ask meow
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Post by maxplonk on Jan 18, 2021 18:02:27 GMT
My new Christmas jumper caused really bad static electricity, so I took it back to the shop where the assistant gave me a new one free of charge.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 23, 2021 10:51:30 GMT
Just heard that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands.
Coat already on. 🙃
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Post by maxplonk on Jan 27, 2021 9:42:16 GMT
Elton John isn't a fan of iceberg lettuce. He's more of a rocket man.
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Post by LL Cool Dave on Jan 27, 2021 10:10:34 GMT
Which Spice Girl can carry petrol?
Geri can.
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Post by mattyd2 on Jan 27, 2021 13:16:30 GMT
Q. What's the best thing about Switzerland.
A. I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
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Post by meggeth on Jan 27, 2021 14:52:08 GMT
What sort of Bees make milk instead of honey?.......
Boobies!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
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Post by innocentbystander on Jan 27, 2021 21:16:03 GMT
"Waiter, there's a spider in my soup"
" Yes sir, it's there to catch the flies"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2021 21:36:12 GMT
A snail gets mugged by two slugs, and the police arrive and ask what happened.
The snail replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast".
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2021 4:57:49 GMT
What do you call an Indian bloke with pink hair?
Gandhi Floss
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2021 5:00:12 GMT
Two snakes slithering down the street.
One says to the other...
"Are we poisonous snakes?"
"Dunno, why?"
"Cuz I've just bit my tongue"
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Post by claytonscrubs on Jan 28, 2021 7:56:37 GMT
“So this bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought “That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness”.
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Post by LL Cool Dave on Jan 28, 2021 8:52:01 GMT
Just won 2nd prize in a Fidel Castro lookalike contest
Closez but no cigar.
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Post by steve66 on Jan 28, 2021 9:01:48 GMT
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 28, 2021 13:25:34 GMT
What do you call a man with a wooden head.....Edward
What do you call a man with 2 wooden heads.....Edward Wood
What do you call a man with 3 wooden heads...Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 wooden heads.....I don’t know but Edward Woodward would.
My dad used always used to tell me "when one door closes another one opens" .....he was never any good at cabinet making.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 28, 2021 13:29:08 GMT
What do you call a man with a wooden head.....Edward What do you call a man with 2 wooden heads.....Edward Wood What do you call a man with 3 wooden heads...Edward Woodward What do you call a man with 4 wooden heads.....I don’t know but Edward Woodward would. My dad used always used to tell me "when one door closes another one opens" .....he was never any good at cabinet making. Take the letter D out of his name and say the new version out loud. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2021 13:33:03 GMT
What do you call a man with a raincoat on?
Mac.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2021 13:33:34 GMT
What do you call a man with 2 raincoats on?
Max
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2021 13:34:38 GMT
What do you call a man with 2 raincoats on whose standing in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves
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Post by Kpsje on Jan 30, 2021 19:04:46 GMT
 a very silly joke from a very silly man. |
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 30, 2021 21:05:18 GMT
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.
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Post by Vadiation_Ribe on Jan 30, 2021 22:48:42 GMT
Reminds me of a Gary Delaney joke on the same subject: "I have written to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen, and to make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card" Gary Delaney is brilliant. I thought PPI was something you got at the swimming baths if you didn't wear goggles I've seen him live about 6 times - 3 of those was largely the same 'best of' set, and it was better every time. I can't remember if it was early last year or the year before, but he did a set at the New Vic Theatre that included a Powerpoint presentation. It was superb - photos of random stuff he'd taken and screenshots of Amazon reviews he'd left (e.g. for Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Sleep" the review was something like "So good I was up reading it all night.").  He's well worth a browse on Twitter too - generally sticking to the puns: |
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Post by Vadiation_Ribe on Jan 30, 2021 22:51:43 GMT
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Post by Vadiation_Ribe on Jan 30, 2021 23:26:09 GMT
I keep asking my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her keyring, but she just keeps fobbing me off.
(I'll stop with the Gary Delaney now)
Okay, one more...
One time, I met a girl who confused a tube of KY jelly with superglue.
I asked how it happened, but sadly, her lips were sealed.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 31, 2021 21:53:25 GMT
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, “That’s a turtle disaster”
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Post by thevoid on Feb 4, 2021 15:51:04 GMT
I've just had a message off Bob Nudd.
It must be one of those phishing emails.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Feb 4, 2021 16:43:32 GMT
I've just had a message off Bob Nudd. It must be one of those phishing emails. Was he angling for a response? (Sorry this is the shit joke thread isn’t it) |
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Post by thevoid on Feb 4, 2021 17:15:30 GMT
I like to sleep in the nude.
Only on the long haul flights though.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Feb 4, 2021 17:27:44 GMT
Exaggerations have become an epidemic.
They went up by a million percent last year.
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