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Post by Staffsoatcake on Jan 6, 2021 14:47:08 GMT
John Wayne riding on the plains with a friend. He says to his mate"Look over there,there's a Bacon tree". His mate rides over to take a look,comes back 20 minutes later with 2 arrows in his back,he says to Wayne,"that wasn't a Bacon tree,it was a Hambush".
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 6, 2021 15:24:54 GMT
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.
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Post by dirtclod on Jan 6, 2021 18:29:51 GMT
New restaurant called Karma just opened up near me.
No menu - you just get what you deserve.
Would imagine that they will become famous for their just desserts.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2021 19:59:14 GMT
What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 6, 2021 21:22:50 GMT
Just thinking back over last year. Still, hindsight is 2020 right?
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 7, 2021 9:07:32 GMT
From Monday the postmen will be working from home. He'll open all your mail and give you a call if there's anything important.
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Post by spiderpuss on Jan 7, 2021 10:26:54 GMT
From Monday the postmen will be working from home. He'll open all your mail and give you a call if there's anything important. When is that available in my area?
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Post by Dutchpeter on Jan 7, 2021 11:40:57 GMT
What’s white and wears checked trousers? Rupert the Fridge.
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Post by redstriper on Jan 7, 2021 19:06:09 GMT
solskjaer has completely lost the plot, I just heard on the radio he's signed an armadillo...
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 7, 2021 19:48:10 GMT
What’s green and brown, got six legs and will kill you if it drops down from a tree onto you?
A pool table.
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Post by foster on Jan 8, 2021 6:27:32 GMT
What's small, red, and has seven little dents in it?
Snow White's cherry
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Post by claytonscrubs on Jan 8, 2021 6:35:01 GMT
What’s pink and hard when it goes in, and soft and wet when it comes out?
Bubble Gum.
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Post by dirtclod on Jan 10, 2021 4:39:34 GMT
Since we're all in quarantine, I guess that we will only be making inside jokes now.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jan 10, 2021 7:28:53 GMT
Amazon drivers are to be trained to administer covid jabs. Matt Hancock said last night that this will ensure the whole population will be inoculated by next weekend and Prime members by Tuesday at the latest.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 10, 2021 7:37:05 GMT
What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
You’re looking sharp.
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Post by foster on Jan 10, 2021 8:28:38 GMT
What's green and smells of pork?
Kermits finger!
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Post by innocentbystander on Jan 10, 2021 13:13:18 GMT
My wife told me to paint the kitchen. So I did exactly what it said on the tin - Apply one coat and leave.
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Post by maxplonk on Jan 11, 2021 8:16:23 GMT
What's faster than a calculator?
A calcu-sooner!
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Post by tuum on Jan 11, 2021 12:28:18 GMT
From Monday the postmen will be working from home. He'll open all your mail and give you a call if there's anything important. Reminds me of a Gary Delaney joke on the same subject: "I have written to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen, and to make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card"
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Post by Goonie on Jan 11, 2021 16:32:29 GMT
What's pink and smells of ginger?
Fred Astaire's dick
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Post by wagsastokie on Jan 11, 2021 16:45:41 GMT
What's pink and smells of ginger? Fred Astaire's dick I shouldn’t laugh at that but couldn’t help it
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Post by dirtclod on Jan 12, 2021 17:32:40 GMT
Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
If they had 4 doors, they'd be a Chicken Sedan
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jan 12, 2021 19:13:29 GMT
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaarrrrrrrhh
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Post by spiderpuss on Jan 12, 2021 21:44:19 GMT
What's faster than a calculator? A calcu-sooner! How do you count cows? With a Calculator.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 13, 2021 9:14:19 GMT
What's black and white but read all over.
A newspaper.
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Post by flea79 on Jan 13, 2021 10:52:06 GMT
What did the farmer say when he couldnt find his tractor?
Wheres my Tractor?
WHat did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
Robin get in the batmobile!
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Post by maxplonk on Jan 13, 2021 13:03:36 GMT
I just love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
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Post by flea79 on Jan 13, 2021 15:48:32 GMT
what blue and smells like red paint?
Blue Paint!!!
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jan 13, 2021 19:55:49 GMT
Police have raided Kermits lily pad and found vast quantities of nude pictures of miss piggy.
They say it's the worst case of frogs porn they've ever seen.
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Post by maninasuitcase on Jan 13, 2021 22:05:49 GMT
From Monday the postmen will be working from home. He'll open all your mail and give you a call if there's anything important. Reminds me of a Gary Delaney joke on the same subject: "I have written to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen, and to make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card" Gary Delaney is brilliant. I thought PPI was something you got at the swimming baths if you didn't wear goggles
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