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Post by Northy on Jan 18, 2023 12:00:23 GMT
I've got an invite to the plastic surgeons annual ball, I'm looking forward to meeting new faces.
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Post by Northy on Jan 18, 2023 12:01:33 GMT
DPD just knocked on my door and said 'I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour'
Closing the door I said 'You've got the wrong house then'
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Post by pretzel on Jan 19, 2023 20:36:16 GMT
I've recently joined the 'autopsy for beginners' group at my local morgue.
Our first meeting will be this Friday when we are holding an open Mike night
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 19, 2023 21:33:06 GMT
I've recently joined the 'autopsy for beginners' group at my local morgue. Our first meeting will be this Friday when we are holding an open Mike night breathtakingly good
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 19, 2023 21:38:30 GMT
I've got an invite to the plastic surgeons annual ball, I'm looking forward to meeting new faces. There was a time when Botox was frowned upon but it barely raises an eyebrow these days.
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Post by Northy on Jan 19, 2023 21:42:57 GMT
My budgie broke its leg today, so I made a splint out of matches, his face lit up when it went for a walk.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 19, 2023 21:56:39 GMT
Getting a bit colder here so I was in’t closet today.
I heard my scarf say to my hat
”You go on ahead, I’ll hang around here”
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 22, 2023 18:12:44 GMT
I’ve just started writing a mystery novel……..
Or have I?
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Post by 828492 on Jan 22, 2023 20:28:51 GMT
Jesus has to arrange the Last Supper. He gets in touch with his favourite Jerusalem restaurant. ‘Can I have a table for 26 on Maundy Thursday evening?’ He asks. ‘26? I thought there was only 13 of you,’ replies the restauranteur. ‘That is right, but we all want to sit on the same side of the table’.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jan 23, 2023 2:52:42 GMT
Jesus has to arrange the Last Supper. He gets in touch with his favourite Jerusalem restaurant. ‘Can I have a table for 26 on Maundy Thursday evening?’ He asks. ‘26? I thought there was only 13 of you,’ replies the restauranteur. ‘That is right, but we all want to sit on the same side of the table’. Awesome.
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Post by steve66 on Jan 27, 2023 23:32:11 GMT
Two blondes are in an elevator, on one floor a man gets on and stand’s between them. He’s wearing a black shirt and he had a ton of dandruff on his shoulders. After he gets off the elevator one blonde says to the other “he can really use some Head & Shoulders.” The other blonde asks “how do you give shoulders?”
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Feb 2, 2023 22:04:17 GMT
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Post by Northy on Feb 3, 2023 11:24:18 GMT
So I took my wife to the new Eskimo restaurant in Chester. We asked to see the menu and the waiter said "We dont have many options so I'll run through it with you" He said "We have whale meat steaks, whale meat curry, whale meat stir fry, and of course our weekly special " The Vera Lynn" I said "What's the Vera Lynn"
The waiter said " Whale meat again"
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Post by Northy on Feb 3, 2023 17:00:36 GMT
A man has died after falling into a giant coffee bean grinding machine, the doctor told his wife that he didn't suffer, it was instant.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Feb 3, 2023 17:01:04 GMT
Locksmith found dead.
Police say they are looking for any potential key witnesses.
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Post by pretzel on Feb 3, 2023 18:38:45 GMT
A man has died after falling into a giant coffee bean grinding machine, the doctor told his wife that he didn't suffer, it was instant. I wonder if anyone had grounds for murder?
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Post by hotterpotter on Feb 3, 2023 22:58:29 GMT
A man has died after falling into a giant coffee bean grinding machine, the doctor told his wife that he didn't suffer, it was instant. I hope he wasn't decafitated!
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Post by hotterpotter on Feb 3, 2023 23:00:32 GMT
A man walked into a door and ended up breaking on through to the other side.
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Post by foster on Feb 3, 2023 23:09:14 GMT
Did you hear about the time that Hartshill walked into a wall whilst having an erection....
He broke his nose.
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Post by hotterpotter on Feb 3, 2023 23:12:30 GMT
What's the difference between the leader of the Labour Party and a bull whisperer? One's Keir Starmer and the other makes your steer calmer.
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Post by teenagefanclub on Feb 4, 2023 10:22:29 GMT
Don’t know why the rest of world are surprised by the tensions and threats made by Russia, China and Korea. The red flags have always been there.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 5, 2023 17:45:53 GMT
So I decided to join the local rambling society. Went the first meeting last week but onner going again….they just keep going on and on.
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Post by Northy on Feb 5, 2023 18:24:44 GMT
.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Feb 5, 2023 18:26:09 GMT
. Still would. Especially for a quid, could probably have two goes
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Post by chuffedstokie on Feb 6, 2023 4:40:39 GMT
. Still would. Especially for a quid, could probably have two goes Not sure about the tattoo 🤔
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Post by 4372 on Feb 6, 2023 9:31:24 GMT
I had all the mirrors taken off my car a year ago. Have to say I have never looked back since.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 6, 2023 10:45:06 GMT
Yesterday I watched the start of the around Britain single-handed yacht race from Plymouth Sound. Cheating bastards were all using both hands.
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Post by Northy on Feb 6, 2023 12:02:43 GMT
Mick asks Paddy if he was stranded on a desert island who would he wish to be stranded with ?
Paddy replies 'My Uncle Tommy'
Mick 'What's so special about him, why not a lovely lady to accompany you'
Paddy replies 'Uncle Tommy has got a boat'
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Post by Northy on Feb 6, 2023 12:06:49 GMT
Just had a coffee at Costa, and took it back as it tasted like mud.
The guy behind the counter said 'It was only ground this morning'
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Post by dutchstokie on Feb 6, 2023 12:16:04 GMT
Still would. Especially for a quid, could probably have two goes Not sure about the tattoo 🤔 Council estate slag tag.......and ginger. Im out
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