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Post by marylandstoke on Jun 4, 2022 19:13:10 GMT
Where I live there is a massive Portuguese community, especially from the Azores(the lads from there are mental). An Azorian friend of mine just watched the second half of the England game with me. He is a landscape guy, and he told me a story this morning where he was sculpturing a privet hedge with hedge shears instead of a gasoline hedge trimmer, and Portuguese guy walks by and watches what he's doing and says to him Are you using those shears because you can't afford the gasoline to go to the gym? Spontaneous humour. It’s the way you tell them. |
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Post by Mystic Stokie on Jun 4, 2022 19:21:19 GMT
Where I live there is a massive Portuguese community, especially from the Azores(the lads from there are mental). An Azorian friend of mine just watched the second half of the England game with me. He is a landscape guy, and he told me a story this morning where he was sculpturing a privet hedge with hedge shears instead of a gasoline hedge trimmer, and Portuguese guy walks by and watches what he's doing and says to him Are you using those shears because you can't afford the gasoline to go to the gym? Spontaneous humour. It’s the way you tell them. I know  So what you are saying is don't apply for America's got talent ? All the right notes but not necessarily in the right order. |
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jun 4, 2022 20:00:35 GMT
Went to plymouth to see the start of the single handed transatlantic yacht race. Cheating bastards were all using both hands.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jun 4, 2022 20:35:05 GMT
Went to watch the start of the Tall Ships Race from Swansea. Got talking to an old weather beaten Welsh bloke sat on a bench on the jetty….,
"See that tall ship over there" he exclaimed, "Well I made all her sails . Has anybody ever called me Taff the Sailmaker? No they haven’t. See those wooden sail spars, well I carved them with my bare hands. Am I Taff the carpenter…am I fuck! The ships name on her transom was painted by me but they never call me Taff the Signwriter and all those sail ropes were woven by me by hand but I’m not Taff the Rope artisan either. …….but all I ever did was shag one fucking sheep"
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Post by Mystic Stokie on Jun 5, 2022 18:19:15 GMT
I'm sat on the patio having few and on the photo app I'm trying to press Albums, I kept pressing the other button instead..... So in frustration I said Al Fuckin bums. Made me laugh :-)
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Post by pretzel on Jun 7, 2022 20:45:08 GMT
I watched a TV documentary on marijuana last night.. it was so good that I'm going to watch all documentaries that way in future.
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Post by rivival on Jun 8, 2022 1:22:47 GMT
I watched a TV documentary on marijuana last night.. it was so good that I'm going to watch all documentaries that way in future. Does it help for England Matches^^ |
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Post by scfc1863 on Jun 11, 2022 16:34:34 GMT
Me and the missus caught up in the Manchester airport fiasco last weekend, we were waiting for over 2 hours for our baggage and it became increasingly hot and stuffy.
Then suddenly my wife fainted and fell onto the carousel...... fortunately she soon came around.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jun 12, 2022 18:46:57 GMT
I entered a blind folded masturbation competition but no idea where I came !!
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Post by pretzel on Jun 16, 2022 19:23:52 GMT
I've recently joined an online dating agency for arsonists
I'm getting lots of matches
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Post by scfc1863 on Jun 18, 2022 11:30:19 GMT
I was recently having digestion problems, so I went to the doctor who advised me to stop eating venison and suggested I tried eating grouse or partridge.
Delighted to say it worked..... absolute game changer.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jun 19, 2022 12:07:38 GMT
How do you get to Wales in a mini.
One in the front one in the back.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Jun 19, 2022 12:13:50 GMT
I went out for tea had Pelican. Never again. It tasted OK, but when I got the bill it was massive.
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Post by Kpsje on Jun 19, 2022 15:28:04 GMT
 ‘oh, plus a large sausage for angela’  |
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Post by pretzel on Jun 19, 2022 19:11:25 GMT
The Swiss orthodontist, who pioneered the air-flow method for performing a dental scale and polish, died today aged 87.
To commemorate his achievements, his colleagues will be leaving a little plaque on the wall of the house where he lived.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jun 24, 2022 7:28:34 GMT
From my house to the pub is a 5 minute walk. From the pub to my house is a 35 minute walk…………….the difference is staggering.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jun 24, 2022 7:36:47 GMT
Hamish McTaggart, a well known painter & decorator in Fort William, has been found dead at the summit of Ben Nevis. A spokesperson for the local mountain rescue said, "sadly he had succumbed to hypothermia ………he really could have done with another coat"
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 4, 2022 15:54:56 GMT
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jul 6, 2022 12:13:34 GMT
Thanks, I've got to go to work now. 😁 |
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Post by marylandstoke on Jul 6, 2022 12:52:47 GMT
I watched a TV documentary on marijuana last night.. it was so good that I'm going to watch all documentaries that way in future. Does it help for England Matches^^ Some of the strains I smoke,for pain and eating, slow time down dramatically… So it’s a no from me. As they are legalising mushrooms locally though, maybe that would help? Enquiring minds and all that. |
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 6, 2022 15:27:42 GMT
Grandad: son what do you want to do when you grow up?
Son: when I grow up grandad I want to be a sailor in the Royal Navy.
Grandad: you’ll have to make your mind up son…..you can’t do both.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 6, 2022 15:31:10 GMT
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Post by pretzel on Jul 6, 2022 19:27:07 GMT
When I was a kid I used to love making sandcastles with my Grandma
That was before my parents glued the urn shut
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jul 18, 2022 14:31:43 GMT
I said to the girl in B&Q "What's best for greasy ovens",
She said "ammonia cleaner", I said " sorry I thought you worked here"
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jul 20, 2022 8:52:31 GMT
Checking out at Plymouth ASDA the Janner checkout girl asked me in that janner drawl …"do you want any sax sir". "No thanks but if you have some bags that would help".
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Post by Kpsje on Jul 22, 2022 18:42:50 GMT
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Post by pretzel on Jul 22, 2022 18:57:48 GMT
A weasel walks in to a bar
"I've never served a weasel before" said the barman, "What can I get for you?"
"Pop", goes the weasel.
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Post by scfc1863 on Jul 22, 2022 21:08:59 GMT
A bit of a mystery, over the last four nights somebody has been tipping soil over my allotment  ...... the plot thickens. |
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jul 23, 2022 10:44:51 GMT
Wife: "look at that drunk guy"
Husband: "who is he"
Wife: "ten years ago he proposed and I rejected him"
Husband: "good grief he's still celebrating!".
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Post by marylandstoke on Jul 23, 2022 12:16:01 GMT
The prosecution asked what state was I in at the time.
I said ‘I was as drunk as a judge’
The judge said ‘The phrase is as drunk as a Lord’
I said ‘I do apologise your Lordship’
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So what you are saying is don't apply for America's got talent ? 
...... the plot thickens.
