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Post by Kpsje on May 7, 2022 22:04:22 GMT
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 10, 2022 14:46:01 GMT
Why do Scuba divers roll backwards into the water?
Because if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 10, 2022 14:49:00 GMT
The young boy who lives next door to me shouted across the fence this morning,
"Hey, I'll have a baby brother or sister soon, my mum's reached the final third of her pregnancy, so there's not long to go now."
I said, "Great. There's a word for the individual stages of pregnancy, but I just can't seem to recall it."
He said, "Trimester".
I shouted, "I have done, but I can't fucking remember it, you impatient little ****!"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 10, 2022 14:51:52 GMT
You can always tell a dyslexic Yorkshireman.
He’s the one wearing a cat flap.
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Post by flea79 on May 10, 2022 16:18:39 GMT
You can always tell a dyslexic Yorkshireman. He’s the one wearing a cat flap. im an agnostic who suffers from dyslexia and insomnia i spent all night awake last night wondering if there was a dog! |
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on May 11, 2022 17:46:54 GMT
“Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.”
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Post by pretzel on May 11, 2022 21:08:11 GMT
Anal bleaching?
Is that the same thing as changing your ringtone?
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Post by davethebass on May 13, 2022 13:13:35 GMT
What do you call a constipated detective? No shit Sherlock "Sherlock, why's the door bright yellow?" "It's a lemon entry dear Watson" |
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Post by lawrieleslie on May 14, 2022 14:46:21 GMT
🍕🍕🍕
Google Pizza
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: Sorry. I must have dialed a wrong number.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I'd like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? How do you know my "usual"?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you
called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage,
pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That's what I want.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta,
arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free
thin crust?
CALLER: No! I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is too high, sir.
CALLER: How the heck do you know?
GOOGLE: We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Listen! I do not want your vegetable pizza! I take
medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you haven't taken your medication
regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30
cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought the rest from another pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement .
CALLER: I paid cash.
GOOGLE: But you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank
statement.
CALLER : I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought
them using an undeclared income source, which is illegal, sir.
CALLER: WHAT THE HECK!?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, our sole intention is to help you.
CALLER: Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and
all the others I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV,
mobile phone service and snoops who watch me and spy on me!
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
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Post by lordb on May 14, 2022 16:09:39 GMT
🍕🍕🍕 Google Pizza CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: Sorry. I must have dialed a wrong number. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I'd like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? How do you know my "usual"? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That's what I want. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust? CALLER: No! I detest vegetables. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is too high, sir. CALLER: How the heck do you know? GOOGLE: We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Listen! I do not want your vegetable pizza! I take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you haven't taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought the rest from another pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement . CALLER: I paid cash. GOOGLE: But you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER : I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is illegal, sir. CALLER: WHAT THE HECK!? GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, our sole intention is to help you. CALLER: Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, mobile phone service and snoops who watch me and spy on me! GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago. That's more depressing than funny😕 |
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Post by davethebass on May 15, 2022 2:41:54 GMT
🍕🍕🍕 Google Pizza CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: Sorry. I must have dialed a wrong number. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I'd like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? How do you know my "usual"? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That's what I want. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust? CALLER: No! I detest vegetables. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is too high, sir. CALLER: How the heck do you know? GOOGLE: We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Listen! I do not want your vegetable pizza! I take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you haven't taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought the rest from another pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement . CALLER: I paid cash. GOOGLE: But you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER : I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is illegal, sir. CALLER: WHAT THE HECK!? GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, our sole intention is to help you. CALLER: Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, mobile phone service and snoops who watch me and spy on me! GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago. |
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Post by chuffedstokie on May 15, 2022 5:48:49 GMT
Talking to an old local guy on the jetty the other day about humour and he said,
Can't think of any good boat jokes, canoe?.
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Post by 828492 on May 15, 2022 16:53:42 GMT
One for the cunning linguists out there.
The French equivalent of the SBS has a motto than can be translated to, ‘To the water. The time has come’.
Or in the original French, ‘A l’eau. C’est l’heure’.
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Post by yeokel on May 15, 2022 17:40:55 GMT
One for the cunning linguists out there. The French equivalent of the SBS has a motto than can be translated to, ‘To the water. The time has come’. Or in the original French, ‘A l’eau. C’est l’heure’. I had to think about that one for a while, but it was worth the effort. |
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Post by Goonie on May 16, 2022 9:10:31 GMT
Bloke goes to the doctor because he's struggling to lose weight
Dr: I have come across this radical new diet based on only eating things related to your surname
Bloke: tell me more
Dr: well I had a patient named Green who only ate leafy green vegetables and lost 4 stones in 2 months
Bloke: gosh!
Dr: yes and I had another named Butcher who just ate meat and lost 3 stones in three months
Bloke: blimey!
Dr: another named Fowler who just ate eggs, duck, chicken and goose and lost 4 stones in 3 months
Bloke: thanks but I don't think it's for me
Dr: why ever not Mr Allcock?
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Post by scfc1863 on May 16, 2022 9:35:59 GMT
My mate wanted to renew his season ticket but his girlfriend didn’t agree, a big argument broke out and she ended up poking him in the eye.
He’s stopped seeing her.
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Post by davethebass on May 16, 2022 9:36:43 GMT
One for the cunning linguists out there. The French equivalent of the SBS has a motto than can be translated to, ‘To the water. The time has come’. Or in the original French, ‘A l’eau. C’est l’heure’. Haha good one. Its only recently I realised 'Mayday' means 'help me' in French... 'M' aidez'. |
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Post by Goonie on May 16, 2022 10:11:09 GMT
One for the cunning linguists out there. The French equivalent of the SBS has a motto than can be translated to, ‘To the water. The time has come’. Or in the original French, ‘A l’eau. C’est l’heure’. Haha good one. Its only recently I realised 'Mayday' means 'help me' in French... 'M' aidez'. Whereas mar-dy has a different connotation locally 😁 |
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Post by davethebass on May 16, 2022 10:31:35 GMT
Haha good one. Its only recently I realised 'Mayday' means 'help me' in French... 'M' aidez'. Whereas mar-dy has a different connotation locally 😁 Just been reading the Nick Powell thread... debate about whether or not he's a mardarse lol |
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Post by scfc1863 on May 19, 2022 16:24:54 GMT
I remember the time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject.
Nowadays, when someone talks about botox nobody raises an eye brow.
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Post by kaney78 on May 20, 2022 0:33:22 GMT
An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you ****!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking ****", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!" The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The ****'s Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ". "Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. "Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!" One of my all time faves. Had actually just told a version of this the day before. Better than the aristocrats gag in my humble. that's a good one lol |
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Post by kaney78 on May 20, 2022 0:35:01 GMT
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife" lol |
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Post by pretzel on May 21, 2022 8:12:57 GMT
Just bought a special edition toy Humpty Dumpty from Aldi. It comes with Aldi King's horses and Aldi King's men. I'd also recommend going to Aldi if you're thinking of buying the new Bo Peep farm set. The Lidl Bo Peep has lost it's sheep. |
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Post by scfcwebby on May 23, 2022 7:17:17 GMT
Just heard that Danny Wellbeck's Grandad, Stan, used to be a bomb disposal expert...
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Post by scfcwebby on May 23, 2022 7:18:57 GMT
Max Verstappen's dad used to be a taxi driver in Belfast... His name is Thanks Verstappen
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Post by scfcwebby on May 23, 2022 7:21:56 GMT
A man from Glasgow goes into a cake shop and asks the cashier "is that a Macaroon or a meringue" the cashier replies "no, you're right, it's a Macaroon"
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Post by 828492 on May 23, 2022 7:32:23 GMT
Just heard that Danny Wellbeck's Grandad, Stan, used to be a bomb disposal expert... Boom! Boom! |
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Post by pretzel on May 28, 2022 8:05:55 GMT
Wife “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex, I’m really disappointed in you”
Me “You can hardly blame me, It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
Wife “Well, that’s your own stupid fault... You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 31, 2022 17:08:12 GMT
After I lost all the fingers on my right hand due to a work accident, I asked the surgeon if I would ever be able to write with it again.
He replied " Possibly, but I wouldn't count on it "
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Post by Mystic Stokie on Jun 4, 2022 18:32:46 GMT
Where I live there is a massive Portuguese community, especially from the Azores(the lads from there are mental). An Azorian friend of mine just watched the second half of the England game with me. He is a landscape guy, and he told me a story this morning where he was sculpturing a privet hedge with hedge shears instead of a gasoline hedge trimmer, and Portuguese guy walks by and watches what he's doing and says to him Are you using those shears because you can't afford the gasoline to go to the gym? Spontaneous humour.
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