An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
"Fucking get in there you ****!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking ****", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The ****'s Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
"Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. "Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"
One of my all time faves. Had actually just told a version of this the day before.
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 5, 2022 14:13:32 GMT
A woman takes a very limp duck into vetinary surgery. The vet took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest for a moment or two then shook his head and said, "I'm sorry your duck has passed away."
"Are you sure?" the woman asked.
"Yes, I'm sure. Your duck is dead." he answered.
"You've hardly examined him. He could be in a coma or something. You've not run any tests at all." She protested.
The vet rolled his eyes and left the room returning moments later with a black Labrador dog. As the woman looked on in amazement the dog stood on it's hind legs and rested it's front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog away and returned with a cat which he proceeded to place on the examination table. The cat sniffed delicately at the bird, shook it's head and meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
"I'm sorry," said the vet, "but this is most certainly a dead duck." He then turned to his computer hit a few keys and produced a bill for his services.
"£150!" cried the woman, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
"I'm sorry," he replied. "If you'd taken my word for it then the bill would only have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan it's now £150."
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 5, 2022 14:39:02 GMT
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
Man drives into a petrol station at the No3 pump, he says to the attendent, " £10 worth of unleaded please"the attendent says"where you driving to, pump No4"?
A man goes to his doctor and is asked what the problem is.
Looking embarrassed the man sheepishly replies "well, I just got back from a holiday in Africa and while I was there I was raped by an elephant"
"Holy fuck!" says the doctor. "Do you mind showing me?"
So the man pulls down his pants, cups his knackers and bends over, displaying a massive red raw, gaping arsehole.
Looking disgusted the doctor looks at the man and suggests "Well, I don't really believe you were raped by an elephant. It's common knowledge that elephant penis's are long and thin!"
"Yes" countered the man, "but he fingered me first!".
Bloke meets sees his friend getting out of his car on a car park and sees that it's covered in blood, grass and mud.
The first guy says "What the fk happened to your car?" and his friend replies, "well you won't believe this but I just ran over Cristiano Ronaldo".
"OK," says the bloke, "that explains the blood but what about all the grass and mud?", to which his friend replies, "Well, he tried to escape into a field."
Sitting watching an evening movie with the Mrs. "Go get me a beer out the fridge " I ask? "Fuck off" she says, " go get it yer self lazy twat." Suddenly her phone text alert goes off in the kitchen and off she goes to see who’s calling. Message from me …."while you're in the kitchen grab me a beer." I don’t remember anything else from the evening but I’m sure I’ll be able to see in a couple of days.
We went down to our local pub at the weekend for a meal. The waitress came over with the menus and said "would you like to hear the specials". "Yes please" we all said. So she goes... "You've done too much, much too young, you're married with a kid when you should be having fun with me...."
