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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 5, 2022 14:13:32 GMT
A woman takes a very limp duck into vetinary surgery. The vet took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest for a moment or two then shook his head and said, "I'm sorry your duck has passed away."
"Are you sure?" the woman asked.
"Yes, I'm sure. Your duck is dead." he answered.
"You've hardly examined him. He could be in a coma or something. You've not run any tests at all." She protested.
The vet rolled his eyes and left the room returning moments later with a black Labrador dog. As the woman looked on in amazement the dog stood on it's hind legs and rested it's front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog away and returned with a cat which he proceeded to place on the examination table. The cat sniffed delicately at the bird, shook it's head and meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
"I'm sorry," said the vet, "but this is most certainly a dead duck." He then turned to his computer hit a few keys and produced a bill for his services.
"£150!" cried the woman, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
"I'm sorry," he replied. "If you'd taken my word for it then the bill would only have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan it's now £150."
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 5, 2022 14:39:02 GMT
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
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Post by chuffedstokie on Apr 6, 2022 12:38:53 GMT
I was told I had two faults, I don't listen and some other shit they were rattling on about.
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Post by Staffsoatcake on Apr 6, 2022 22:09:55 GMT
Man drives into a petrol station at the No3 pump, he says to the attendent, " £10 worth of unleaded please"the attendent says"where you driving to, pump No4"?
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Post by pretzel on Apr 13, 2022 19:27:03 GMT
Just bought a special edition toy Humpty Dumpty from Aldi.
It comes with Aldi King's horses and Aldi King's men.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Apr 14, 2022 9:13:35 GMT
Today I had to tell my team we're filling the swear glass too fast, chill the fuck out.
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Post by hotterpotter on Apr 17, 2022 7:51:31 GMT
Man: Doctor, doctor, I keep getting health advice from inappropriate people. Farmer: Get off my land!
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Post by pretzel on Apr 18, 2022 10:21:01 GMT
After years of research, a team of engineers have successfully designed a car which is powered by parsley.
Their next challenge is to come up with a train that will run on thyme.
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Apr 20, 2022 16:33:43 GMT
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Post by foster on Apr 20, 2022 17:01:09 GMT
A man goes to his doctor and is asked what the problem is.
Looking embarrassed the man sheepishly replies "well, I just got back from a holiday in Africa and while I was there I was raped by an elephant"
"Holy fuck!" says the doctor. "Do you mind showing me?"
So the man pulls down his pants, cups his knackers and bends over, displaying a massive red raw, gaping arsehole.
Looking disgusted the doctor looks at the man and suggests "Well, I don't really believe you were raped by an elephant. It's common knowledge that elephant penis's are long and thin!"
"Yes" countered the man, "but he fingered me first!".
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 22, 2022 17:16:23 GMT
A bloke has just offered me a job, £600 a week working for the Brittle Bone Society.
I snapped his hand off.
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Post by pretzel on Apr 22, 2022 21:41:54 GMT
Bloke meets sees his friend getting out of his car on a car park and sees that it's covered in blood, grass and mud.
The first guy says "What the fk happened to your car?" and his friend replies, "well you won't believe this but I just ran over Cristiano Ronaldo".
"OK," says the bloke, "that explains the blood but what about all the grass and mud?", to which his friend replies, "Well, he tried to escape into a field."
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Post by lawrieleslie on Apr 23, 2022 17:04:40 GMT
Sitting watching an evening movie with the Mrs. "Go get me a beer out the fridge " I ask? "Fuck off" she says, " go get it yer self lazy twat." Suddenly her phone text alert goes off in the kitchen and off she goes to see who’s calling. Message from me …."while you're in the kitchen grab me a beer." I don’t remember anything else from the evening but I’m sure I’ll be able to see in a couple of days.
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Post by pretzel on Apr 26, 2022 20:21:43 GMT
We went down to our local pub at the weekend for a meal. The waitress came over with the menus and said "would you like to hear the specials". "Yes please" we all said. So she goes... "You've done too much, much too young, you're married with a kid when you should be having fun with me...."
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Post by teenagefanclub on Apr 26, 2022 20:38:22 GMT
Bet365 servers
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on May 1, 2022 10:24:35 GMT
When family photos go wrong...I'd like to think the guy taking the photo was "back a bit, bit more". If so, legend
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Post by lawrieleslie on May 1, 2022 10:38:50 GMT
When family photos go wrong...I'd like to think the guy taking the photo was "back a bit, bit more". If so, legend On a similar vein….. Attachment Deleted
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Post by davethebass on May 3, 2022 19:45:12 GMT
Q:How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb? A:Too. Or Free, or fore or even ate Or ... nein? I'll get me coat
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Post by davethebass on May 4, 2022 12:09:23 GMT
What's ET short for?
Cos he's only got little legs
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 4, 2022 17:52:33 GMT
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she had an orgasm I didn't mind too much, until I found out she was faking them.
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Post by Kpsje on May 7, 2022 22:04:22 GMT
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 10, 2022 14:46:01 GMT
Why do Scuba divers roll backwards into the water? Because if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 10, 2022 14:49:00 GMT
The young boy who lives next door to me shouted across the fence this morning, "Hey, I'll have a baby brother or sister soon, my mum's reached the final third of her pregnancy, so there's not long to go now." I said, "Great. There's a word for the individual stages of pregnancy, but I just can't seem to recall it." He said, "Trimester". I shouted, "I have done, but I can't fucking remember it, you impatient little ****!"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on May 10, 2022 14:51:52 GMT
You can always tell a dyslexic Yorkshireman.
He’s the one wearing a cat flap.
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Post by flea79 on May 10, 2022 16:18:39 GMT
You can always tell a dyslexic Yorkshireman. He’s the one wearing a cat flap. im an agnostic who suffers from dyslexia and insomnia i spent all night awake last night wondering if there was a dog!
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on May 11, 2022 17:46:54 GMT
“Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.”
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Post by pretzel on May 11, 2022 21:08:11 GMT
Anal bleaching?
Is that the same thing as changing your ringtone?
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Post by davethebass on May 13, 2022 13:13:35 GMT
What do you call a constipated detective? No shit Sherlock "Sherlock, why's the door bright yellow?" "It's a lemon entry dear Watson"
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Post by lawrieleslie on May 14, 2022 14:46:21 GMT
🍕🍕🍕
Google Pizza CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: Sorry. I must have dialed a wrong number. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I'd like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? How do you know my "usual"? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That's what I want. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust? CALLER: No! I detest vegetables. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is too high, sir. CALLER: How the heck do you know? GOOGLE: We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Listen! I do not want your vegetable pizza! I take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you haven't taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought the rest from another pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement . CALLER: I paid cash. GOOGLE: But you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER : I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is illegal, sir. CALLER: WHAT THE HECK!? GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, our sole intention is to help you. CALLER: Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, mobile phone service and snoops who watch me and spy on me! GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
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Post by lordb on May 14, 2022 16:09:39 GMT
🍕🍕🍕 Google Pizza CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: Sorry. I must have dialed a wrong number. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I'd like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? How do you know my "usual"? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That's what I want. GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust? CALLER: No! I detest vegetables. GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is too high, sir. CALLER: How the heck do you know? GOOGLE: We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Listen! I do not want your vegetable pizza! I take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you haven't taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Pharmacy, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought the rest from another pharmacy. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement . CALLER: I paid cash. GOOGLE: But you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER : I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is illegal, sir. CALLER: WHAT THE HECK!? GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, our sole intention is to help you. CALLER: Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, mobile phone service and snoops who watch me and spy on me! GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago. That's more depressing than funny😕
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