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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2022 15:59:41 GMT
The fuckin dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog. Took me a sec but most do one here đđ
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Feb 18, 2022 16:11:45 GMT
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool.
Billy walks on stage and asks if he could help with his hearing, the Pope puts his hands on his ears and starts praying.
He removes his hands from his ears and asks Billy, How is your hearing now?
Billy says I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday.
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Post by redstriper on Feb 18, 2022 16:35:45 GMT
So many people on Morecambe sea front have symptoms of covid the BBC have made a documentary about it.
It's called the Great British bay cough.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Feb 18, 2022 16:45:31 GMT
I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: âHardback?â and I was like: âYeah, and little heads.â
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 18, 2022 16:54:41 GMT
Just a warning to any blokes going to Crown Hill B&Q in Plymouth. As you return to your car you may be accosted by 2 gorgeous Eastern European ladies who will pester you for a lift. Let them in and one will proceed to undo your flies and give you a blow job. In the meantime the second one nicks your wallet and they then both bugger off. I was caught out last Saturday afternoon, Monday morning, Wednesday lunchtime and twice yesterday. The Range are also selling cheap wallets for a quid a piece.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Feb 27, 2022 13:16:46 GMT
People are sometimes shocked when they find out that I'm not a very good electrician.
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Post by scfc1863 on Mar 1, 2022 23:03:53 GMT
My aunty was 80% Irish, We used to call her Iris.
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Post by spiderpuss on Mar 4, 2022 21:13:14 GMT
Just met a bloke who'd just been in a boozer with a tropical fruit. Or as its known, man goes into a pub.
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Post by hotterpotter on Mar 5, 2022 8:02:33 GMT
Why did the man avocado?
Because Asda's slots were all taken.
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Post by pretzel on Mar 6, 2022 16:51:58 GMT
Checking into a hotel on a business trip, I picked up one of those cards left in the lobby by ladies of a certain profession. I was feeling rather lonely and needy so after a while, I picked up the phone in the room and nervously dialled the number "Hello?" the woman said..... My God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She said, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
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Post by scfc1863 on Mar 6, 2022 19:04:40 GMT
The other day I heard a knock at the front door, I opened it and discovered that someone had left a wash basin outside.
Puzzled, I said to the wife, " That's weird, I'm going to have let this sink in".
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Mar 13, 2022 18:48:40 GMT
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostituteâŚHe says âhow much for a hand job?â She says itâs ÂŁ250. He says, â ÂŁ250 for a lousy hand job? Thatâs crazy!â She says, âHoney, follow me âand takes him outside. âSee that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.âSo he figures heâll try it, and what do you know, itâs great. Itâs a week before heâs horny again.So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says itâs ÂŁ500. He thinks thatâs too much. She says, âHoney, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.â So he takes her up on it and itâs amazing. Heâs absolutely drained for a month. Now heâs obsessed and he has to go back.He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says âI gotta know, how much for the pussy?ââOh honey,â she says, âIf I had one of those Iâd own this town.â
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Mar 13, 2022 18:51:00 GMT
Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says, "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the kids go to lunch. When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to the Ukraine, why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early and where the fuck is Sasha?
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Post by pearo on Mar 14, 2022 12:04:48 GMT
As Chelsea face up to a trophyless future with no money to spend on transfers, football fans begin to wonder how long government sanctions have been in place at Port Vale.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Mar 16, 2022 18:55:49 GMT
Just switched from eating venison to pheasant. Absolute game-changer.
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Post by pearo on Mar 21, 2022 12:40:20 GMT
Iâve recently had a DNA test done on my pet frog, turns out heâs part English, part French and a tad Pole
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Post by chuffedstokie on Mar 23, 2022 8:29:40 GMT
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Mar 25, 2022 13:50:18 GMT
An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
"Fucking get in there you ****!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking ****", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The ****'s Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
"Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. "Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"
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Post by dirtclod on Mar 25, 2022 14:31:22 GMT
First time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper. She had on these massive gloves... That one's probably a repeat so:
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. During the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded once more.
"So..." the coach continued. "When a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?"
The little boy nodded yet again.
"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
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Post by PotterLog on Mar 25, 2022 15:12:33 GMT
Some people think Songs of Praise is boring but I watch it every week religiously
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Post by scfc1863 on Mar 26, 2022 11:34:00 GMT
For my wife's last birthday I mistakenly got her a gluestick instead of a lipstick ....... she still isn't talking to me.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Mar 26, 2022 16:50:40 GMT
The wifeâs birthday today so Iâve booked a table for the evening. I know she doesnât like snooker but weâll stop off on the way home for an Indian.
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Mar 26, 2022 17:07:17 GMT
The wifeâs birthday today so Iâve booked a table for the evening. I know she doesnât like snooker but weâll stop off on the way home for an Indian. Classicđ
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Post by Kpsje on Mar 26, 2022 21:41:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2022 17:54:03 GMT
A huge huge woman just got on the bus wearing a XXXXXXL sweatshirt that said Guess on the front.
I shouted out 'Thyroid problems?'
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Post by marylandstoke on Mar 27, 2022 18:31:07 GMT
An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you ****!" he says to himself and goes to the bar. "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking ****", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!" The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The ****'s Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ". "Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him. "Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!" One of my all time faves. Had actually just told a version of this the day before. Better than the aristocrats gag in my humble.
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Post by meggeth on Mar 28, 2022 12:37:56 GMT
What is Sylvestor Stallones favourite cheese?
Roquefort.
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Post by liathroid on Mar 29, 2022 22:06:55 GMT
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Post by pearo on Mar 30, 2022 6:40:21 GMT
Someone asked me the other day if I was a Neil Diamond impressionist
I am I said
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 5, 2022 14:10:48 GMT
My missus has just phoned me in tears from the hospital. She said, " I've just seen my x-ray". I said " Don't speak to him, just ignore him".
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