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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Jun 11, 2021 7:03:17 GMT
A racehorse walks into a bar with its entourage.
The barman says “you can’t come in here with those trainers”.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 11, 2021 7:11:42 GMT
A man and his new girlfriend are walking down a road when they come across two dogs. Then the dog mounts the bitch and they start mating. 'How does the dog know she's in heat?' asks the girl. 'He can smell it. It's nature's way.' replies the man. Further along the road they come across a field of sheep. Suddenly a ram mounts one of the ewes. 'How does the ram know she's in heat?' asks the girl.
'He can smell it. It's nature's way.' replies the man. He drops her off at her house and bids her goodnight. 'You'd better get a Covid test,' she says as he gives her a peck on the cheek. 'Oh?' He replies concerned. 'You've lost your sense of smell.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Jun 11, 2021 8:23:06 GMT
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
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Post by spiderpuss on Jun 11, 2021 9:42:34 GMT
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable What bees produce milk? Boobees.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2021 12:03:21 GMT
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbour asked him why the pig had only three legs.
"Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was ploughing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life".
"Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbour said, intrigued.
"No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!"
"So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbour, really intrigued by now.
"No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbour demanded "Then how the hell did he lose his leg?"
The farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"
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Post by thfc67 on Jun 11, 2021 12:35:21 GMT
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Post by yeokel on Jun 11, 2021 16:17:27 GMT
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbour asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was ploughing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbour said, intrigued. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbour, really intrigued by now. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbour demanded "Then how the hell did he lose his leg?" The farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!" Old jokes never die, they just......... er, I don't know what they do actually! I first heard that joke told by Ken Dodd in the '60s or early '70s. It's nice to see it again.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Jun 14, 2021 7:24:57 GMT
"Anybody know CPR" screamed an elderly lady at the restaurant last night "I know the whole alphabet" I retorted. How everybody laughed…..well except one chap who appeared to be asleep on the floor.
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Post by dirtclod on Jun 15, 2021 3:42:20 GMT
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbour asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was ploughing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbour said, intrigued. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbour, really intrigued by now. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbour demanded "Then how the hell did he lose his leg?" The farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!" Any chance that farmer's name was.......Owen?
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Post by dirtclod on Jun 15, 2021 3:46:47 GMT
All I ask is a chance to prove that money won't make me happy.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Jun 15, 2021 6:38:53 GMT
Thought for the day.
Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything but bring a smile to your face when pushed down stairs.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 18, 2021 8:18:56 GMT
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
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Post by danceswithclams on Jun 18, 2021 8:23:47 GMT
Disappointed that porn involving incest has now gone mainstream.
I preferred it when it was a niece market.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2021 8:52:45 GMT
What had 3 legs and lived on a farm??
Paul McCartney & Heather Mills.
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Post by thfc67 on Jun 18, 2021 11:26:21 GMT
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Post by questionable on Jun 20, 2021 15:44:07 GMT
Obviously not a Friday joke but this morning I was sitting in the tail gate of the car along with the dog when a woman stopped and started talking to me about dogs, during the conversation she asked if the dog was good in the car, couldn’t help myself by saying “yes she’s OK but occasionally struggles on her hill starts”, she didn’t have a clue what I was on about then started to tell me about her cat, complete waste of my sarcasm.
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Post by maxplonk on Jun 22, 2021 11:15:02 GMT
I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets that I’ve signed a partition.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2021 12:28:52 GMT
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jun 22, 2021 13:18:34 GMT
A very old Jewish man finds a lamp on the shore and takes it home to polish it. As he does so a genie appears and tells the old man he will grant him one wish.
The man says “All through my life there has been terrible turmoil in the Middle East. Rival factions, warring tribes, families ripped asunder. If you could fix that I could die a happy man”
The genie looks perplexed, summons up a map of the Middle East and with a long slow shake of his head says “I think that is even beyond my powers but I will grant you whatever else it is that would complete your life”
The man thinks for a moment then says “My wife is a very conservative woman. A wonderful wife, mother and companion but all through our marriage she has refused to please me orally. After all I have read and heard, If you could just fix that I could die happy”
The genie, concerned now, looks up slowly and says “Pass me that map of the Middle East again”
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Post by marylandstoke on Jun 22, 2021 13:21:04 GMT
"Anybody know CPR" screamed an elderly lady at the restaurant last night "I know the whole alphabet" I retorted. How everybody laughed…..well except one chap who appeared to be asleep on the floor. This joke was pulled out on Fathers Day when The Bambino’s came and it killed. Respect.
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Post by danceswithclams on Jun 25, 2021 8:15:32 GMT
I ate two pieces of string the other day and when I went to the toilet they came out of my arse tied together.
I shit you knot.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jun 25, 2021 9:15:41 GMT
A farmer and his wife grow apart sexually and decide to go to a sex counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what seems to be the problem. 'Well, life's just one long drudge of housework, laundry, looking after the kids and cooking. I've lost all interest in sex.' 'The answer's simple,' he tells the farmer, 'you need to spice up her life and do something sexy to attract her again'' Next morning the wife goes out in to the farm yard to find her husband with his dick in the exhaust of the hay bale loader. 'What are you doing?' 'What the counsellor told me. Doing something sexy to a tractor.'
(Sorry I'm late DWC)
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Post by maxplonk on Jun 25, 2021 11:59:31 GMT
My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
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Post by maxplonk on Jun 26, 2021 5:23:23 GMT
Checked in to a hotel this week and asked for an early morning wake up call. At 7am, the receptionist called and said “What are you doing with your life?”.
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Jun 30, 2021 6:26:35 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jul 2, 2021 7:44:18 GMT
A man and his boy are walking down a street when they come across a dog mounting a bitch. 'What's that dog doing dad?' 'Erm, err, making puppies.' That night the boy wakes and decides he needs a glass of water and walks into his parents room to find them making love on the bed. 'What you doin' dad?' 'Erm, making babies.' 'Well flip her over, I want a puppy.'
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Post by danceswithclams on Jul 2, 2021 10:17:59 GMT
The bloke who invented auto-correct has died.
His funfair is on sundial at moon.
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Post by Goonie on Jul 2, 2021 11:32:37 GMT
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Post by pretzel on Jul 4, 2021 11:13:14 GMT
A mate of mine has recently had to undergo a very expensive and traumatic procedure to have his spine and his testicles removed.
The only positive side to this was that some of the wedding gifts he received were unbelievably good.
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Post by marylandstoke on Jul 6, 2021 18:01:24 GMT
Had to call the Erectile Dysfunction Clinic.
The receptionist said she would do all she could to fit me in and I thought that was very, very nice of her.
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