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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2020 6:09:55 GMT
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 14, 2020 13:54:24 GMT
My friend couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill. So I sent him a 'Get well soon' card.
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Post by pretzel on Nov 14, 2020 19:54:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2020 20:36:28 GMT
I took the shell off my racing snail yesterday thinking it would make him run faster. If anything it just made him more sluggish.
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Post by lordb on Nov 14, 2020 20:51:04 GMT
My friend couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill. So I sent him a 'Get well soon' card. Taken me six hours to get this joke. Thought I'd never get to the bottom of it.
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Post by pretzel on Nov 14, 2020 21:13:38 GMT
When I was a small child, I used to pray to God that my Mum and Dad would buy me that bike I had always dreamed about
Then as I got older, I discovered how the world actually works, so I went out and stole the bike and prayed for forgiveness
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Post by PotterLog on Nov 14, 2020 22:46:13 GMT
When I was a small child, I used to pray to God that my Mum and Dad would buy me that bike I had always dreamed about Then as I got older, I discovered how the world actually works, so I went out and stole the bike and prayed for forgiveness *how religion actually works
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 18, 2020 8:33:20 GMT
Customer: "My car is making a terrible noise, what can it be?"
Mechanic: "Have you tried removing the Mariah Carey Christmas CD".
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 18, 2020 10:18:17 GMT
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Post by thehartshillbadger on Nov 18, 2020 12:33:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2020 12:46:33 GMT
A friend of mine recently got fired from his job because he kept asking customers if they wanted "Smoking" or "Non-Smoking".
Apparently his boss told him the correct terminology was Cremation or Burial.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 18, 2020 15:04:19 GMT
A friend of mine recently got fired from his job because he kept asking customers if they wanted "Smoking" or Non-Smoking". Apparently his boss told him the correct terminology was Cremation or Burial. Reminds me of an old but good’un..........friend once got a Saturday job at one of those stores that sells everything from groceries, toys, household stuff even gardening equipment. She didn’t last long because when a lady asked for sanitary towels she made the sale then asked the customer if she was interested in a lawn mower. When asked why would she want a lawn mower, my friend replied ................you won’t be doing anything else this weekend so you may as well cut the grass.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 18, 2020 16:46:39 GMT
A friend of mine recently got fired from his job because he kept asking customers if they wanted "Smoking" or Non-Smoking". Apparently his boss told him the correct terminology was Cremation or Burial. Reminds me of an old but good’un..........friend once got a Saturday job at one of those stores that sells everything from groceries, toys, household stuff even gardening equipment. She didn’t last long because when a lady asked for sanitary towels she made the sale then asked the customer if she was interested in a lawn mower. When asked why would she want a lawn mower, my friend replied ................you won’t be doing anything else this weekend so you may as well cut the grass. If I'm the only person on the planet that hasn't heard that one before I don't care, bloody funny, ta.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Nov 18, 2020 18:25:31 GMT
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 19, 2020 16:14:44 GMT
A woman very sadly gives birth to a baby boy which is just a head. But the mother and father love and cherish it and on the head's 18th birthday the father takes him out for his first pint. After the first pint a miracle happens and out pops a torso from the head. Father and son are astonished and have a second pint. Miraculously out pops two arms. They can’t believe it and go for a third. At which point two legs appear. Overjoyed and crying with happiness the boy runs outside to phone his mum when he is struck down and killed by a lorry. The father is overcome with grief, the land lord puts his arm around and whispers...........he should have quit while he was a head.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2020 16:42:55 GMT
A guy is sitting in the doctor's consulting room. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
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Post by yeokel on Nov 19, 2020 17:15:57 GMT
A guy is sitting in the doctor's consulting room. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you." I saw that one coming.
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Post by danceswithclams on Nov 20, 2020 14:01:43 GMT
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 21, 2020 7:27:19 GMT
Ali Bongo and his Amazing Alligator are in his local pub doing his repertoire of tricks. He comes to the most dangerous where Ali places his penis into the alligators open jaws and proceeds to smack him over the head with a wooden mallet. The alligator doesn’t flinch and Ali tucks his untouched willie back in his pants. "Ok" says Ali "£20 to anyone who dares to try that" at which a little old lady steps forward and says "me, but don’t hit me too hard on the head".
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Post by teenagefanclub on Nov 21, 2020 10:25:04 GMT
Some bloke just rang me saying that I have inherited some native American land.
I have my reservations.
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Post by thebasfordhedgehog on Nov 21, 2020 10:32:11 GMT
Why aren’t Koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the Koalafications.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 21, 2020 11:46:09 GMT
A priest is just about to start a pilgrimage to Rome when he bumps in to an old friend. "Hello Mary," says the priest, "how are things with you?" "Not too good father," Mary replies. "We've been trying to start a family for the last 15 years but we've had no joy. My husband and myself have had all the tests, treatments and the best consultants, but still nothing. The Lord has not seen fit to bless us with a child." The priest says, "well I'm just off on a pilgrimage to Rome, when I get there I'll light a candle for you both."
Five years later the priest is about to head out to take the Sunday service when there is a knock at his door. He opens it to find Mary standing there. "Nice to see you Mary how's things?" "You remember all those years ago you lit a candle for us? Well, since then we've had 2 sets of twins, triplets and I'm expecting quadruplets." She hands over an envelope. The priest opens it to find a first class ticket to Rome." "There's no need Mary, knowing you're happy is all the thanks I need. "Nooo, Father. Go and blow the fuckin' candle out."
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 21, 2020 12:20:43 GMT
If you can’t find the book you’re looking for you’re in..................... Attachment Deleted
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Post by thevoid on Nov 21, 2020 16:24:53 GMT
So this bloke knocked on my door dressed as a clown.
I said "Don't come round here thinking you're It."
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 21, 2020 17:22:22 GMT
So this bloke knocked on my door dressed as a clown. I said "Don't come round here thinking you're It." Took me a couple of minutes of thinking wtf is this about. Then I realised it was a James Herbert novel.
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Post by thevoid on Nov 21, 2020 17:25:00 GMT
So this bloke knocked on my door dressed as a clown. I said "Don't come round here thinking you're It." Took me a couple of minutes of thinking wtf is this about. Then I realised it was a James Herbert novel. Stephen King actually but I'll let you off 😎
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Post by thevoid on Nov 21, 2020 17:44:27 GMT
So this bloke knocked on my door and told me rather abruptly that Son was 4/1 to score against Man City and I could double that up with Man Utd HT FT against West Brom @ 2/1
I told him not to come round shouting the odds
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Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 21, 2020 18:31:58 GMT
Took me a couple of minutes of thinking wtf is this about. Then I realised it was a James Herbert novel. Stephen King actually but I'll let you off 😎 Doh of course.
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Nov 22, 2020 7:15:50 GMT
my dog has swallowed 8 scrabble tiles - his next bowel movement could spell disaster
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 23, 2020 10:37:06 GMT
These jokes are making me numb. But maths jokes make me number!
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