|
Post by felonious on Nov 1, 2020 20:48:58 GMT
Dad: What's a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe?
Son. It's Narnia business.
|
|
|
Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 1, 2020 21:20:25 GMT
I went for a walk with a beautiful girl today.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run.
|
|
|
Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 2, 2020 19:24:04 GMT
All I said was "Alexa what do women want", the thing hasn't shut up for seven days!.
|
|
|
Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 3, 2020 7:19:29 GMT
I've just found out my girlfriend's a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
|
|
|
Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 4, 2020 16:34:15 GMT
After being made redundant at the start of lockdown I've managed get a part time job for a few months, making chess pieces.
I'm on knights next week.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2020 18:09:31 GMT
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
|
|
|
Post by dirtclod on Nov 4, 2020 19:17:21 GMT
From a newspaper headline in my home town - "Local Electrician Causes Power Outage to Half of City - Shocker"
|
|
|
Post by alsagerstokie on Nov 4, 2020 20:35:38 GMT
Spent a fortune in Morrison's tonight. Bought like 60 boxes of OXO cubes.
Thought I'd Stock Pile like everyone else.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2020 7:11:48 GMT
It's not the end of the world if I don't know what "Armageddon" means.
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Nov 6, 2020 9:22:13 GMT
My niece, who's nearly five, is learning Spanish but she can't say "please" yet. I think that's poor for four.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithclams on Nov 6, 2020 10:25:00 GMT
Did the late Sean Connery like herbs?
Only partially.
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Nov 6, 2020 11:20:04 GMT
My niece, who's nearly five, is learning Spanish but she can't say "please" yet. I think that's poor for four. ( Excellent. A bit similar, this next one, Maxy, although it might be helpful to speak some Spanish to quite 'get' it!) Went on holiday to Spain to try out a few conversations with the locals and see how well I'd been doing learning my new Spanish lessons, but every time I asked the waiters to please speak more slowly they just kept bringing me more soup…….
|
|
|
Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 6, 2020 12:44:44 GMT
Just been reading a list of 100 things to do before you die.
Strangely, shout for help wasn't one of 'em.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2020 12:44:58 GMT
My niece, who's nearly five, is learning Spanish but she can't say "please" yet. I think that's poor for four. ( Excellent. A bit similar, this next one, Maxy, although it might be helpful to speak some Spanish to quite 'get' it!) Went on holiday to Spain to try out a few conversations with the locals and see how well I'd been doing learning my new Spanish lessons, but every time I asked the waiters to please speak more slowly they just kept bringing me more soup……. Well I never thought my school level Spanish would ever be any use to me in day to day life, but I actually remembered some of it and got your joke without the help of any translation !
|
|
|
Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 6, 2020 13:08:38 GMT
I was a test tube baby.
My dad was a wanker.
|
|
|
Post by Kpsje on Nov 6, 2020 13:26:05 GMT
this joke has never been more relevant than now. (smiley face)
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Nov 6, 2020 13:34:07 GMT
( Excellent. A bit similar, this next one, Maxy, although it might be helpful to speak some Spanish to quite 'get' it!) Went on holiday to Spain to try out a few conversations with the locals and see how well I'd been doing learning my new Spanish lessons, but every time I asked the waiters to please speak more slowly they just kept bringing me more soup……. Well I never thought my school level Spanish would ever be any use to me in day to day life, but I actually remembered some of it and got your joke without the help of any translation ! Good on ya, Dees (no, no voy a decirlo en espanol). I make a deeelish one, btw!
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Nov 6, 2020 19:54:44 GMT
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2020 20:20:27 GMT
Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, very sexy, and seems different to most guys that she meets.
They arrive at his place and head straight to his bedroom. Jill can't help but notice three shelves full of teddy bears. On the bottom shelf are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top shelf are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.
She begins to think that he is sentimental and really sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear !
In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that - did you enjoy it last night ?"
He nods and says, "Yeah it wasn't too bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the middle shelf !"
|
|
|
Post by maxplonk on Nov 6, 2020 20:28:57 GMT
My niece, who's nearly five, is learning Spanish but she can't say "please" yet. I think that's poor for four. ( Excellent. A bit similar, this next one, Maxy, although it might be helpful to speak some Spanish to quite 'get' it!) Went on holiday to Spain to try out a few conversations with the locals and see how well I'd been doing learning my new Spanish lessons, but every time I asked the waiters to please speak more slowly they just kept bringing me more soup……. I'm afraid somebody will have to explain this to me. 🤔
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 6, 2020 21:26:15 GMT
I got caught smelling my best mates sister's knickers. I wouldn’t have been so bad but she was still wearing them so I had to apologise to the whole family. The rest of the funeral went without a hitch.
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 6, 2020 21:48:33 GMT
I was told that I would never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 4 jugs and 2 vases so fuck 'em.
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 6, 2020 22:10:41 GMT
Did you know a piranha can strip the flesh off a teenager in 30 seconds. It was nice working there but I’m not expecting a reference from Plymouth National Marine Aquarium.
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 7, 2020 7:16:59 GMT
Well I never thought my school level Spanish would ever be any use to me in day to day life, but I actually remembered some of it and got your joke without the help of any translation ! Good on ya, Dees (no, no voy a decirlo en espanol). I make a deeelish one, btw! Just done the translation. I won’t spoil the secret. Maybe later if the day is lenta.
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 7, 2020 8:06:29 GMT
Just realised Christmas Day is on a Friday.........just hope it isn’t the thirteenth.
|
|
|
Post by Northy on Nov 7, 2020 11:08:28 GMT
Just realised Christmas Day is on a Friday.........just hope it isn’t the thirteenth. beware, we do have one next week ...
|
|
|
Post by murphthesurf on Nov 7, 2020 22:10:10 GMT
Good on ya, Dees (no, no voy a decirlo en espanol). I make a deeelish one, btw! Just done the translation. I won’t spoil the secret. Maybe later if the day is lenta. ....................................................................................................................................... (lento) xxxxxx
|
|
|
Post by PotterLog on Nov 8, 2020 5:22:24 GMT
My niece, who's nearly five, is learning Spanish but she can't say "please" yet. I think that's poor for four. ( Excellent. A bit similar, this next one, Maxy, although it might be helpful to speak some Spanish to quite 'get' it!) Went on holiday to Spain to try out a few conversations with the locals and see how well I'd been doing learning my new Spanish lessons, but every time I asked the waiters to please speak more slowly they just kept bringing me more soup……. I do speak Spanish and I can’t for the life of me work out what this is meant to be 😂 can you put me out of my misery please...
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 8, 2020 9:04:59 GMT
( Excellent. A bit similar, this next one, Maxy, although it might be helpful to speak some Spanish to quite 'get' it!) Went on holiday to Spain to try out a few conversations with the locals and see how well I'd been doing learning my new Spanish lessons, but every time I asked the waiters to please speak more slowly they just kept bringing me more soup……. I do speak Spanish and I can’t for the life of me work out what this is meant to be 😂 can you put me out of my misery please... Hope this prevents your demise PL Attachment Deleted
|
|
|
Post by lawrieleslie on Nov 8, 2020 9:11:26 GMT
Just done the translation. I won’t spoil the secret. Maybe later if the day is lenta. ....................................................................................................................................... (lento) xxxxxx I was using the feminine form
|
|