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Post by claytonscrubs on Oct 19, 2020 19:15:50 GMT
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 19, 2020 19:17:26 GMT
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 24th) morning from Manchester airport and will fly to London where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight round London before returning to Manchester for dinner. If interested please pm me👌👌 Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go!
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Post by pretzel on Oct 19, 2020 20:14:27 GMT
Were they souls full of hope? For God's sake man it's taken Jesusmcmuffin over a month to get the first nun joke Two nuns in a bath both feeling happy... Happy got out because he was in the wrong joke
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 20, 2020 10:08:13 GMT
Nun was soaking in the bath with a cup of tea one midweek afternoon when there is a knock on the door. "Who's that?." Asks the naked nun. "Oh just the blind man" answered the visitor. Realising she’s safe to chat to him she replies "oh do come I’m just in the bathroom". The bathroom door opens and in walks the man........"I’ve just come to fit your new blinds".
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Oct 21, 2020 8:09:58 GMT
So this bloke walks into a pub, sees Leonardo DaVinci sitting there. Chap says “ hey, Leo, can I buy you a drink?” Leo says “ no thanks, I’ve got one ‘ear”
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Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 21, 2020 8:53:01 GMT
So this bloke walks into a pub, sees Leonardo DaVinci sitting there. Chap says “ hey, Leo, can I buy you a drink?” Leo says “ no thanks, I’ve got one ‘ear” Is the joke it was Vincent Van Gogh that cut off his ear not Da Vinci?
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Oct 21, 2020 9:03:30 GMT
So this bloke walks into a pub, sees Leonardo DaVinci sitting there. Chap says “ hey, Leo, can I buy you a drink?” Leo says “ no thanks, I’ve got one ‘ear” Is the joke it was Vincent Van Gogh that cut off his ear not Da Vinci? ......correct......I copied and pasted it....Lesson learnt....be more careful.... www.facebook.com/groups/472693582938065/permalink/1624670877740324/
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Post by thevoid on Oct 21, 2020 18:11:53 GMT
I've got a job making plastic Dracula figures but there's only two of us on the production line.
So I have to make every second Count...
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 22, 2020 7:27:08 GMT
On the other hand Spock from Star Trek had 3 ears. His right ear, his left ear and his final front ear. I’m off see you at my next joke.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 22, 2020 7:35:09 GMT
Who do I report a party of over 50 people having a bbq at a neighbours garden in our road. A DJ with loud music bellowing out, everybody dancing and drinking having a good time even the whiff off whacky baccy drifting down the road. Where are the police when you need them? We’ve spent weeks in lock down, wearing masks, washing hands every nano second, social distancing, not seeing our friends and family, furloughed and even made redundant. It just isn’t fair.
Oh, hang on, forget it.......I’ve just been invited.
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Post by mattyd2 on Oct 22, 2020 8:25:57 GMT
So this bloke walks into a pub, sees Leonardo DaVinci sitting there. Chap says “ hey, Leo, can I buy you a drink?” Leo says “ no thanks, I’ve got one ‘ear” It's actually quite funny even though you got the wrong artist, bit like Les Dawson playing bum notes on the piano.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 23, 2020 8:35:28 GMT
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing tomorrow."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque. "There's no charge" he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2020 12:28:28 GMT
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the bartender: ”I'll have a pint please, and one for the road.”
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Post by danceswithclams on Oct 23, 2020 20:18:40 GMT
I tried calling the national tinnitus helpline the other day, but it just kept ringing.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 24, 2020 5:25:55 GMT
When we came out of lock down in July I decided to join our local rambling society. Couldn’t stand them going on and on so left after one meeting.
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Post by pretzel on Oct 24, 2020 8:49:00 GMT
My last girlfriend broke up with me when she discovered that I only have four toes on each foot.
Turns out that she was lack toes intolerant.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 24, 2020 11:50:13 GMT
Bloody fireworks already. Why are they being let off soo early. So noisy last night the cat climbed up the Christmas tree to hide.
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Post by Kpsje on Oct 24, 2020 20:03:40 GMT
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Post by thevoid on Oct 25, 2020 11:37:55 GMT
.
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Post by Orbs on Oct 25, 2020 12:05:39 GMT
What is a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe
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Post by Goonie on Oct 25, 2020 22:22:01 GMT
One of my favourite Larson cartoons
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Post by marylandstoke on Oct 29, 2020 12:30:41 GMT
One of my favourite Larson cartoons To this very day if I ever pull when I should be pushing or Vicky Vercky I mutter ‘school for the gifted’ under my breath.
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Post by plug on Oct 29, 2020 12:37:29 GMT
One of my favourite Larson cartoons To this very day if I ever pull when I should be pushing or Vicky Vercky I mutter ‘school for the gifted’ under my breath. Should read "Portvale school..."
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Post by danceswithclams on Oct 30, 2020 10:00:01 GMT
Bought a Fleetwood Mac Sat Nav but it's not very good...
It just keeps telling me to go my own way.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 30, 2020 10:46:07 GMT
A man applies for a job at the tax office and is called for an interview.
Interviewer 'A few questions. Firstly do you have any allergies?' Applicant 'Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.' Interviewer 'Have you served in the military?' Applicant 'Yes, I did a couple of tours of Afghanistan.' Interviewer 'Excellent that'll add 5 merit points to your application. And do you have any disabilities?' Applicant 'Yes I lost both testicles when an IED exploded on the second tour.' Interviewer 'I see. Well that completes the interview and I'm pleased to tell you that you have the required points and the job's yours. The hours are 9am to 5pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.' Applicant 'if the work hours are from 9am to 5pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am? Interviewer 'This is a government job. For the first hour, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. No point in you coming in for that.'
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Post by Cast no shadow on Oct 30, 2020 12:52:31 GMT
It’s ‘Jamaican Hairstyle Day’ at work tomorrow. I’m dreading it.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Oct 30, 2020 13:26:37 GMT
Why men make good agony aunts........
Dear Adrian last week I left home for work in the pouring rain to drive to my workplace. As I approached a roundabout my car spluttered to a halt and I was unable to start it. Desperate to get to work I phoned my husband who was at home after a night shift hoping he would pick me up in his car. I couldn’t raise him on his phone, so thinking he was probably taking a shower before having a sleep, I hailed a taxi to get me home. As I walked up the drive to open the front door I was shocked to see my husband through the front window in close sexual embrace with my younger neighbour. I was devastated and managed to get back to the taxi who was still there. I was sobbing when I got to work, they were very sympathetic and told me to leave him. Thing is I love him and want to forgive him but my colleagues don’t agree. I’m in a quandary what should I do? Cynthia.
Dear Cynthia It’s not uncommon for a car to stall in heavy rain. My advice is to carry a can of WD40 and if this re-occurs then spray the WD40 around the coil, HT lead, distributor and plug leads. This will drive away moisture and should do the trick. Hope this helps. Adrian
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 1, 2020 12:50:12 GMT
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?"
Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley"
Realised my phone was in Airplane mode.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Nov 1, 2020 18:47:17 GMT
Just been watching the beach volleyball, 10 minutes in and there's been a wrist injury already. Hopefully I'll be ok for the weekend.
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Post by maxplonk on Nov 1, 2020 19:15:36 GMT
Just been watching the beach volleyball, 10 minutes in and there's been a wrist injury already. Hopefully I'll be ok for the weekend.
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