|
Post by thevoid on Oct 13, 2020 14:22:19 GMT
I've just been sacked from the pet shop.
I got caught with my fingers in the Trill.
|
|
|
Post by alsagerstokie on Oct 13, 2020 19:03:13 GMT
I visited my Optometrist today. She said sir you need to stop Masterbatiing. I said why will I go blind. She said no but your putting off the other patients.
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 13, 2020 22:01:22 GMT
I went to the car wash and starting foaming at the mouth. I thought, "I'm not standing for this," and cycled straight out again.
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 13, 2020 22:02:35 GMT
"The vicar's late coming" she thought, as she stirred the tea with her other hand.
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 13, 2020 22:05:47 GMT
I was at a football match in Japan and at full time the players started fighting each other. It was ninjary time.
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 13, 2020 22:15:55 GMT
I popped in the pub earlier and these blokes at the bar wearing straight jackets started telling me how nice my trainers were. "It's ok," said the landlord, "the nuts are complimentary."
|
|
|
Post by thequietman on Oct 14, 2020 11:25:05 GMT
I popped in the pub earlier and these blokes at the bar wearing straight jackets started telling me how nice my trainers were. "It's ok," said the landlord, "the nuts are complimentary." Then I heard this voice say "Oi, fatty, you've had too many lagers" I looked around, but there was nobody there. The same voice again "Yer wig's slipping, baldy" Still nobody there, the corner where the voice was coming from was totally empty. And again the voice "Yer old lady bangs like a pro" Nobody at all in sight but I spotted an unplugged fruit machine in the corner. "Ah, sorry about that" says the landord. "The fruit machine's out of order".
|
|
|
Post by dirtclod on Oct 14, 2020 20:29:30 GMT
3 guys hobble into a pub and struggle to get in their seats at the bar none of them appear to be in good shape. Minutes later, Jesus walks in, walks up to the first guy who has a debilitating back condition and touches him - the guy leaps off the bar stool, shouts "I'm healed" and runs out into the street. Jesus walks up to the 2nd guy, who has a very bad leg, touches him, same thing - the guy jumps up off his stool, shouts "I'm healed!" and runs out into the street.
By this time the 3rd guy has already leaped off his stool and backed away yelling, "Don't TOUCH me, I'm on disability!"
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Oct 14, 2020 21:51:56 GMT
The boss was moaning about our Eastern European cleaner today for taking too long to Hoover each room. He knew she was a Slovak when he gave her the job though.
|
|
|
Post by chuffedstokie on Oct 16, 2020 11:24:37 GMT
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 KitKats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
|
|
|
Post by danceswithclams on Oct 16, 2020 12:22:45 GMT
Q: What type of music are wind turbines into?
A: They're big metal fans.
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 18, 2020 8:14:56 GMT
I wrote to the entire Norwich City playing squad asking if they'd send a birthday message to my Norwich-mad cousin. The only one who replied was the goalkeeper. I'm not surprised- you have to be Krul to be kind.
|
|
|
Post by lordb on Oct 18, 2020 8:46:30 GMT
I wrote to the entire Norwich City playing squad asking if they'd send a birthday message to my Norwich-mad cousin. The only one who replied was the goalkeeper. I'm not surprised- you have to be Krul to be kind. Appalling...but brilliant at the same time
|
|
|
Post by teenagefanclub on Oct 18, 2020 9:02:11 GMT
I was telling my mate I've just started dating a female professional footballer from Donetsk.
"Shakhtar?" He said
"Nah we haven't even kissed yet" I said.
|
|
|
Post by teenagefanclub on Oct 18, 2020 9:17:48 GMT
So I went out shopping the other day dressed as a red chilli. In the shopping center there was a promotions woman giving out free bubbly chocolate.
"Have an Aero" she said
"No, Scotch bonnet" I said
|
|
|
Post by thevoid on Oct 18, 2020 13:07:19 GMT
That's the last time I enter an astronomy quiz with John McEnroe. He was embarrassing- every question, he just kept shouting "You cannot be Sirius!"
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2020 13:13:21 GMT
So I went out shopping the other day dressed as a red chilli. In the shopping center there was a promotions woman giving out free bubbly chocolate. "Have an Aero" she said "No, Scotch bonnet" I said Had to read it 3 times to get it ...it is sunday
|
|
|
Post by lordb on Oct 18, 2020 18:30:27 GMT
So I went out shopping the other day dressed as a red chilli. In the shopping center there was a promotions woman giving out free bubbly chocolate. "Have an Aero" she said "No, Scotch bonnet" I said Had to read it 3 times to get it ...it is sunday I still haven't
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2020 18:46:52 GMT
Had to read it 3 times to get it ...it is sunday I still haven't Imagine the choc woman is Mexican and read in her accent. I suggest the Chiappas region as the accent there a bit suited to the joke
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Oct 18, 2020 19:23:45 GMT
Nine medical tests you can do yourself.
Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbours fence.
If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems. If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic. If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are dehydrated. If your stream didn't reach the fence, you have a prostrate problem. If it is bright pink you have kidney problems. If you forgot to get your knob out and you pissed your pants, you have Alzheimer's. If you missed the fence you have Parkinson's. If your stream smells meaty, your cholesterol level is far too high. If you cant smell your own piss, you have Coronavirus.
Have a nice day:)
|
|
|
Post by thehartshillbadger on Oct 18, 2020 19:29:07 GMT
Had to read it 3 times to get it ...it is sunday I still haven't Have an aero = Habanero (chilli) I know you’re joking but just in case😳
|
|
|
Post by lordb on Oct 18, 2020 21:07:09 GMT
Have an aero = Habanero (chilli) I know you’re joking but just in case😳 No I wasn't joking genuinely didn't get it Please don't underestimate stupid, especially mine
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2020 23:31:51 GMT
Have an aero = Habanero (chilli) I know you’re joking but just in case😳 No I wasn't joking genuinely didn't get it Please don't underestimate stupid, especially mine Was a nuns in the bath one months ago I still don't get Read a dozen times and made no sense at all tome
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Oct 19, 2020 17:46:10 GMT
I had to call the suppository helpline number today
You wouldn't believe how rude they were to me
|
|
|
Post by felonious on Oct 19, 2020 18:03:47 GMT
No I wasn't joking genuinely didn't get it Please don't underestimate stupid, especially mine Was a nuns in the bath one months ago I still don't get Read a dozen times and made no sense at all tome Where's (Wears) the soap/ Yes it does.......that one?
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2020 18:15:00 GMT
Was a nuns in the bath one months ago I still don't get Read a dozen times and made no sense at all tome Where's (Wears) the soap/ Yes it does.......that one? yep....
|
|
|
Post by pretzel on Oct 19, 2020 18:28:10 GMT
Was a nuns in the bath one months ago I still don't get Read a dozen times and made no sense at all tome Where's (Wears) the soap/ Yes it does.......that one? Were they souls full of hope?
|
|
|
Post by felonious on Oct 19, 2020 18:38:27 GMT
Where's (Wears) the soap/ Yes it does.......that one? Were they souls full of hope? For God's sake man it's taken Jesusmcmuffin over a month to get the first nun joke
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2020 18:47:50 GMT
Were they souls full of hope? For God's sake man it's taken Jesusmcmuffin over a month to get the first nun joke The scenario of two nuns in a bath was confusing, am struggling to see the circumstances in which that may take place and the joke that followed made it more so. I may be looking into it a bit too much.
|
|
|
Post by claytonscrubs on Oct 19, 2020 19:13:12 GMT
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
|
|