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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 14, 2020 8:45:14 GMT
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 14, 2020 9:09:07 GMT
Had a job interview the other day and one of the questions was "How do you perform under pressure?"
"Well, I usually do the scat bit and my mate Chris does Bowie's part"
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Post by thequietman on Aug 14, 2020 11:52:50 GMT
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two. How do you tell when a drummer has got his riser level? He drools out of both sides of his mouth.
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Post by thequietman on Aug 14, 2020 11:54:07 GMT
seeing as Clayton switched me on to old drummer jokes, here's a musician's joke for you: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Chucking a piano accordian into a skip and hitting a banjo in there.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2020 12:00:00 GMT
Hear about the new Indian restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
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Post by Tosh on Aug 14, 2020 15:59:24 GMT
Vales new kit
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Post by alsagerstokie on Aug 16, 2020 11:08:10 GMT
I apologise for this.
They used to call me Mr Lover Lover, until one night I had anal sex with a girl that had cerebral palsy.
Now they call me Mr Bum Spastic.
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Post by marylandstoke on Aug 16, 2020 11:23:57 GMT
Hear about the new Indian restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve. Went to a Buddhist hot dog van and said “Make me one with everything” and gave him a twenty. He handed me the hot dog and nothing else. I said “Where’s my change?” He said “Change comes from within”
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Post by marylandstoke on Aug 16, 2020 11:32:11 GMT
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two. How do you tell when a drummer has got his riser level? He drools out of both sides of his mouth. What’s the last thing a drummer does before rehearsal? Drop his girl friend off at the strip club. What do you call a drummer without a tour pass? Homeless. No drum machine will ever do what a drummer does best. Cocaine and brandy. Whats the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 21, 2020 9:12:22 GMT
Got sacked from my job at the pasta factory after a Fusilli mistakes.
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 21, 2020 9:45:15 GMT
Knock knock! Who’s there? Control freak! Control fr...... (Butting in) No no no.......you have to say control freak who..
Much better said rather than read.
What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward What do you call a man with 2 wooden heads? Edward Wood What do you call a man with 3 wooden heads? Edward Woodward What do you call a man with 4 wooden heads? No idea but Edward Woodward would.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 21, 2020 9:48:19 GMT
I once went out with a girl with a lazy eye. We split up when I found out she was seeing someone else on the side.
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Post by Rednwhitenblue on Aug 21, 2020 9:56:16 GMT
About a month before he died we covered my granddad's back in lard. After that he went downhill very fast.
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Post by henry on Aug 21, 2020 10:23:28 GMT
What do you call a woman who’s had her hemorrhoids seen to
Anita Arris
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Post by thequietman on Aug 21, 2020 11:41:45 GMT
What goes "99 clonk, 99 clonk" ? A centipede with a wooden leg.
the first joke I ever remember telling in the playground :-)
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dogso
Academy Starlet
Posts: 229
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Post by dogso on Aug 24, 2020 8:47:49 GMT
I've had professional help to get over a phobia of german sausage, but I still fear the wurst
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2020 12:12:44 GMT
At the doctor's surgery, Tom was getting a check up.
"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."
Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"
The doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you yesterday."
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Post by lawrieleslie on Aug 25, 2020 5:40:08 GMT
What goes "99 clonk, 99 clonk" ? A centipede with a wooden leg.
the first joke I ever remember telling in the playground :-)
On a similar vein.... What goes ha hah ha clonk A man laughing his head off
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Post by maxplonk on Aug 26, 2020 18:31:54 GMT
I've had professional help to get over a phobia of german sausage, but I still fear the wurst If you are allergic to German cheese as well then that's as bad as it gets - the Wurst-Käse senario.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 27, 2020 17:01:39 GMT
The following conversation took place between a couple at the cinema.
Girlfriend: I think the guy next to me is jerking off. Boyfriend: Just ignore him. Girlfriend: I can’t. Boyfriend: Why? Girlfriend: He’s using my hand.
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Post by pearo on Aug 27, 2020 20:35:11 GMT
I was walking with my dog through the countryside the other day when a farmer asked me if I could help him to round his sheep up
“ How many do you have ?” I asked him
“ 68 “ he said
so I said “ Let’s call it 70 then “
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 27, 2020 21:05:36 GMT
My granddad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2020 17:12:26 GMT
Tom was at the hospital on Sunday afternoon visiting his best friend Jack who was dying.
Tom asked, "If there is cricket in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Jack nodded yes just as he passed away.
That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Jack's voice in a dream, "Tom..."
"Jack! What is it?!" asked Tom.
"I have good news and bad news from heaven."
"What's the good news?"
"There is cricket in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're opening the bowling on Tuesday."
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 28, 2020 17:41:42 GMT
My local Indian takeaway does a sea-bird curry called 'The Smiths'.
It's gull fried in a Korma.
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Post by mattyd2 on Aug 28, 2020 19:47:06 GMT
I was walking with my dog through the countryside the other day when a farmer asked me if I could help him to round his sheep up “ How many do you have ?” I asked him “ 68 “ he said so I said “ Let’s call it 70 then “ Took me a while...then rofl
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Post by unknown182 on Aug 28, 2020 20:32:59 GMT
Just read a book about an immortal dog. I couldn't put it down.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Aug 28, 2020 21:01:08 GMT
A coach containing session musicians has overturned on the motorway. Drivers may expect lengthy jams.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Aug 28, 2020 21:01:30 GMT
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense moment.
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Post by claytonscrubs on Aug 28, 2020 21:17:14 GMT
A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals.
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Post by claytonscrubs on Aug 28, 2020 21:22:01 GMT
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Abba-riginal.
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