After ten years of being in an henpecked marriage, Jim is persuaded to go out one night for a few drinks with his workmates. The excitement becomes too much for Jim and he ends up have a few drinks too many which leads to him throwing up all over himself.
“ My wife will go mad” says Jim as he tries to clean himself up a little.
His mate Dave says “ Put a £20 note in your inside jacket pocket and when you get home tell your wife some complete stranger was sick all over you. But gave you £20 to cover the cleaning costs.”
With this plan firmly implanted in his mind Jim returns home and relays all the details to his wife.
“Then why have you got two £20 notes in your hand?” She asks
Jim says “ The guy who shit in my pants gave me £20 too”
Post by DeesideStokie on May 15, 2020 11:53:22 GMT
Tony and Elaine have lived in a bungalow since Tony developed some health issues a few years ago.
After Tony had undergone numerous tests and was receiving treatment his doctor says, “Tony, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Tony replies, “God and I are great ! He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Tony's wife.
“Elaine,” he says, “Tony is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Elaine. “He’s peeing in the fridge again!”
Post by DeesideStokie on May 21, 2020 19:59:24 GMT
Phil was in a Gents Outfitters and found a very cheap suit on the Sale rail. The shop assistant was trying to convince him to buy the suit as they had been trying to sell it for ages,
"I do like it but the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," Phil complained. "That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," Phil argued. "No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only £30."
Finally, Phil bought the suit, and decided to wear it straight away. He cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened to be passing and couldn't help noticing him.
"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow." "Yes, such a shame," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't his suit fit well ?"
A duck walks in to a pub one lunchtime, climbs on a bar stool and says to the landlord, "A pint and a packet of Cheese n Onion please mate." The landlord is astounded and blurts out, "You're a duck!" "Spot on," says the duck. "And you can talk!" "10 out of 10 now can I have my beer and crisps, please?" "Sorry," apologises the landlord, "but I've never had a talking duck in here before." "Working over the road on the new housing site," replies the duck. "Wow and how long have you been working on site?" The duck picks up the local newspaper and starts thumbing through it. The landlord takes the hint. The lunchtime visits carry on for a week until one day the owner of the travelling circus walks in. "You with the circus?" enquires the landlord. "Own it." "Boy have I got something for you!" Just then the duck walks in sits and orders his beer and crisps. The circus owner explains who he is and would the duck like to join his circus? "The big canvas tent thing?" "Yeah." "Big pole up the middle?" "Yup" "Sawdust floor?" "Aha" "Two big flaps for doors?" "Got it." "What the fuck do you need a plasterer for?"
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and freezing winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
Post by Rednwhitenblue on May 29, 2020 13:38:34 GMT
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard this BA 747, we've now reached our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet so kick back, relax and enjoy the remainder of the flight. In line with the coronavirus requirements I'm working from home today...