Two blokes decide to take their dogs for a walk in the park (pre social distancing of course) One has a Dalmatian the other a Dachshund. The one with the Dalmatian says: "Come on, let's call for a pint on the way home." The Dachshund owner replies, "We can't, they won't serve us with the dogs." Dalmatian man says, "Do what I do." He puts his sunglasses on and walks into the pub The landlord says, "Sorry mate, can't serve you 'cause of the dog." "He's my guide dog, so it's alright isn't it?" "A Dalmatian?" "New Idea they are trialling, seems to be working fine." "Oh, in that case what can I get you?"
Just then the Dachshund owner walks in bedecked in sunglasses. "Sorry bud, no dogs so can't serve you." "But this is my guide dog." "A Dachshund, no way!" "Bastards, they told me it was a golden Labrador."
“Elvis Presley’s death deprives our country of a part of itself. He was unique, irreplaceable.He burst upon the scene with an impact that was unprecedented and will probably never be equalled. His music and his personality, fusing the styles of white country and black rhythm and blues, permanently changed the face of American popular culture. His following was immense. And he was a symbol to people the world over of the vitality, rebelliousness and good humour of this country.”President Carter
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later lying in a hospital bed he's approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're going to be ok, the bad news is there was some pretty extensive damage to your penis so I'm going to have to refer you to my sister". "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter,"she's a flute player, she'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face".
Post by alsagerstokie on Apr 11, 2020 18:48:41 GMT
Mate birthday last week. Due to lockdown he cudnt receive gifts just cards through post. One card he opend wasn't signed. He opens it and all that fell out was rice. He said I don't know who it's from.
Trump dies and he goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Post by DeesideStokie on Apr 24, 2020 12:00:22 GMT
A husband and wife who work in a circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.” Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.” The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?” The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No, the seat is empty’ says the neighbour.
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Chap goes round to his friends house and his wife answers the door. 'Hi ,Is Crispin home?' The woman bursts out crying, uncontrollably 'I'm sorry but Crispin died this afternoon in a terrible accident' 'Did he say anything about a tin of paint?'
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a steep ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the roadside when a shiny convertible pulled over with a beautiful woman at the wheel, “ Are you okay? “ she asked. As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. “ I think I’m okay” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
“ Get in and I’ll take you home, so that I can clean and bandage that nasty wound on your head.” She said.
“ That’s nice of you, but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that “ I answered.
“ Oh come now,I’m a nurse “ she insisted “ I need to see if you have anymore injuries and treat them properly “ Well she was pretty and very persuasive, being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed but repeated “ I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
We arrived at her place and after a couple of cold beers and bandaging I thanked her and said “ I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now”
“Don’t be silly” she said with a smile, “ stay for a while, she’ll never know. By the way where is she?
I replied “ My guess is that she’s still in that ditch”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter takes out his mobile and calls 999. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the second hunter says, “OK, now what?”