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Post by mrcoke on Mar 27, 2020 9:48:50 GMT
Jeremy "I told you so" Corbyn.
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 3, 2020 9:16:51 GMT
These are strange times we're living in...
I put the bins out last night and the whole street gave me a round of applause.
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Post by 828492 on Apr 3, 2020 15:33:24 GMT
How do you turn a duck into a recently deceased all-time jazz great?
Put it in a micro-wave until it’s Bill Withers.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Apr 5, 2020 22:27:39 GMT
Abdul, the indian wife beater, punches his wife every night at 7pm
On the Dot.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Apr 11, 2020 7:38:03 GMT
A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later lying in a hospital bed he's approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're going to be ok, the bad news is there was some pretty extensive damage to your penis so I'm going to have to refer you to my sister". "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter,"she's a flute player, she'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face".
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Post by pearo on Apr 11, 2020 14:46:39 GMT
I’ve just made a bird table, wife wasn’t too happy she came 6th
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 11, 2020 15:06:11 GMT
What do you call a vet who's been furloughed?
Dr Dolittle
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Post by alsagerstokie on Apr 11, 2020 18:48:41 GMT
Mate birthday last week. Due to lockdown he cudnt receive gifts just cards through post. One card he opend wasn't signed. He opens it and all that fell out was rice. He said I don't know who it's from.
I said it's probably your Uncle Ben
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 12, 2020 16:33:13 GMT
An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar...
Ahh, those were the days.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 17, 2020 9:50:56 GMT
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! A girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to look after while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That lad is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"
To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
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Post by Clayton Wood on Apr 24, 2020 8:27:38 GMT
Trump dies and he goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2020 12:00:22 GMT
A husband and wife who work in a circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.” Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.” The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?” The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
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Post by stillgame4it on Apr 24, 2020 12:23:42 GMT
There is a bit of scandal in our neighbourhood, the local hairdresser has been sent down for 9 years for drug dealing.
I am gobsmacked, been going to him for years.
I had absolutely no idea he was a hairdresser!
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Post by danceswithclams on Apr 24, 2020 17:45:59 GMT
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
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Post by skiptanbroonacari on Apr 30, 2020 11:28:04 GMT
My one legged neighbour used to work in a brewery. He was in charge of the hops
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Post by pretzel on May 1, 2020 14:52:05 GMT
An 85 year old pastor died in a care home today when his carer, following Donald Trump's misguided advice, administered the Covid19 sufferer with a lethal dose of Domestos.
The carer has been arrested and charged with a bleach of the priest.
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Post by danceswithclams on May 1, 2020 16:01:33 GMT
I tried to write a joke about social distancing.
But this is as close as I could get.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2020 19:23:44 GMT
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
‘No, the seat is empty’ says the neighbour.
‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’
The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’
The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 1, 2020 20:45:58 GMT
Man: "How much?" Hooker: “£10 on grass, £30 on sofa, £50 in bed” Man: “I’ll have 50 quids worth” Hooker: “You’re a man of class!” Man: “Class my arse, I want it five times on grass”
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2020 21:57:48 GMT
Don't know why but always my fave joke as a kid
Chap goes round to his friends house and his wife answers the door. 'Hi ,Is Crispin home?' The woman bursts out crying, uncontrollably 'I'm sorry but Crispin died this afternoon in a terrible accident' 'Did he say anything about a tin of paint?'
(yeah I know)
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Post by mattyd on May 2, 2020 13:23:22 GMT
What do you call a magician that has lost his magic...……………..IAN...
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Post by pearo on May 8, 2020 7:24:09 GMT
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a steep ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the roadside when a shiny convertible pulled over with a beautiful woman at the wheel, “ Are you okay? “ she asked. As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. “ I think I’m okay” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
“ Get in and I’ll take you home, so that I can clean and bandage that nasty wound on your head.” She said.
“ That’s nice of you, but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that “ I answered.
“ Oh come now,I’m a nurse “ she insisted “ I need to see if you have anymore injuries and treat them properly “ Well she was pretty and very persuasive, being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed but repeated “ I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
We arrived at her place and after a couple of cold beers and bandaging I thanked her and said “ I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now”
“Don’t be silly” she said with a smile, “ stay for a while, she’ll never know. By the way where is she?
I replied “ My guess is that she’s still in that ditch”
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Post by danceswithclams on May 8, 2020 9:23:43 GMT
I tried to change my Netflix password to 'Beef Stew' but it wouldn't let me because it's not Stroganoff.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2020 12:06:05 GMT
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other hunter takes out his mobile and calls 999. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the second hunter says, “OK, now what?”
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 8, 2020 16:50:49 GMT
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:
370HSSV - 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI
No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China) for help.
Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
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Post by turtlefox on May 8, 2020 19:20:15 GMT
I heard a reggae version of " we'll meet again " today. Turns out it was sung by women called Vera Lion.
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Post by pearo on May 12, 2020 19:34:52 GMT
After ten years of being in an henpecked marriage, Jim is persuaded to go out one night for a few drinks with his workmates. The excitement becomes too much for Jim and he ends up have a few drinks too many which leads to him throwing up all over himself.
“ My wife will go mad” says Jim as he tries to clean himself up a little.
His mate Dave says “ Put a £20 note in your inside jacket pocket and when you get home tell your wife some complete stranger was sick all over you. But gave you £20 to cover the cleaning costs.”
With this plan firmly implanted in his mind Jim returns home and relays all the details to his wife.
“Then why have you got two £20 notes in your hand?” She asks
Jim says “ The guy who shit in my pants gave me £20 too”
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Post by pretzel on May 14, 2020 21:27:56 GMT
What do you call it when a Geordie falconer vacuums his house at night?
Wor kestrel man hoovers in the dark
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Post by Clayton Wood on May 15, 2020 9:38:10 GMT
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.
Apparently, Shatner Panties wasn’t going as well as he'd hoped.
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Post by danceswithclams on May 15, 2020 11:45:19 GMT
My friends constantly complain that I'm a cheapskate.
I'm not buying it.
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