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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 21, 2020 12:13:59 GMT
Four business men are sitting in a maternity hospital waiting room. The nurse comes in and says "Congratulations! Your wife's had a boy". No 1 says "Great, and I'm the owner of Plus One Retail" She appears again and says "Congratulations! Your wife's had twins". No 2 says "Fantastic. And I run Two Rivers Theme Park." The nurse is back a third time "Congratulations! Your wife's had triplets" No 3 says "Brilliant, and I run Three Counties Agricultural Supplies." When she returns again one man is sat sobbing into his hands. "What's the matter?" Enquires the nurse. "I work for Seven Up." Sobs the man. Or for a darker twist, Coke Zero Is bet365 pushing the punch line too far?
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Post by chuffedstokie on Feb 21, 2020 15:44:33 GMT
Question to all men.
If you had to choose between a wonderful wife or a fantastic car which would you pick,
Petrol or Diesel.
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Post by 828492 on Feb 21, 2020 16:15:30 GMT
Why should true socialists only ever drink herbal infusions?
Because all property is theft.
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Post by chuffedstokie on Feb 21, 2020 22:32:20 GMT
*BREAKING NEWS"
An East London lottery winner is trying to buy West Ham. His wife said she didn't know what he would have done if he'd got 4 numbers.
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Post by yeokel on Feb 21, 2020 23:43:29 GMT
Why should true socialists only ever drink herbal infusions? Because all property is theft. I don’t get this one. Could someone please explain? Be gentle!
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Post by lawrieleslie on Feb 22, 2020 7:33:40 GMT
During the recent floods in Ross-on-Wye, Corbyn is out and about trying to show support to the beleaguered residents. He slips and falls into the river but just about manages to grab the river bank with his finger nails. As he is slowly slipping to his demise a passing journalist sees his plight and rushes over. As Corbyn is about to be swept away the journalist has a choice to make and he has to think quick............................
does he use his Fuji SLR and take a photo in black and white which will take time to set up or does he just whip out his phone and take a photo before the opportunity is lost.
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Post by lordb on Feb 22, 2020 13:24:49 GMT
Why should true socialists only ever drink herbal infusions? Because all property is theft. I don’t get this one. Could someone please explain? Be gentle! I don't get it either We must be thick
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Post by felonious on Feb 22, 2020 19:53:21 GMT
I don’t get this one. Could someone please explain? Be gentle! I don't get it either We must be thick #metoo
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Post by skiptanbroonacari on Feb 24, 2020 18:01:35 GMT
I don't get it either We must be thick #metoo Proper Tea
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Post by felonious on Feb 24, 2020 18:10:14 GMT
Thank you your my new favourite poster
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Post by skiptanbroonacari on Feb 24, 2020 19:21:06 GMT
Thank you your my new favourite poster "You're"
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Post by yeokel on Feb 24, 2020 19:38:04 GMT
Ah, thanks for that. It explains part of it. I still don’t get the joke though
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2020 19:52:09 GMT
It finally happened! The flight attendant asked "is there a doctor on this flight?" and I leapt up and said yes!
Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.
He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.
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Post by skiptanbroonacari on Feb 24, 2020 20:06:13 GMT
Ah, thanks for that. It explains part of it. I still don’t get the joke though Herbal tea, it's not proper tea
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Post by yeokel on Feb 24, 2020 22:13:23 GMT
Ah, thanks for that. It explains part of it. I still don’t get the joke though Herbal tea, it's not proper tea Yes, thanks. It dawned on me eventually. I think I was guilty of overthinking the 'joke'.
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Post by lordb on Feb 24, 2020 22:39:03 GMT
Herbal tea, it's not proper tea Yes, thanks. It dawned on me eventually. I think I was guilty of overthinking the 'joke'. He who laughs last doesn't get the joke
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 28, 2020 8:59:59 GMT
My Ancestry DNA test came back this morning; half English, half French.
Ever likely I hate myself.
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Post by marylandstoke on Feb 29, 2020 15:42:12 GMT
Why should true socialists only ever drink herbal infusions? Because all property is theft. I don’t get this one. Could someone please explain? Be gentle! Try saying it out loud.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 6, 2020 9:00:58 GMT
Doctor: 'I'm sorry to confirm you have contracted Coronavirus. You will have to start the 3P's diet straight away.'
Patient: 3P's? What's that?'
Doctor: 'Pizza, pasta, pancakes.'
Patient: 'Will it cure me?'
Doctor: 'No, but they'll slide under your door.'
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Post by pretzel on Mar 6, 2020 19:41:52 GMT
I was in Boots so asked what was the best thing to clean up with to kill the Corona Virus.
The girl at the counter replied 'Ammonia cleaner'
Well, I'm not going back in there if they allow cleaners to work behind the pharmacy.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 6, 2020 22:10:48 GMT
My wife thinks I don't respect her privacy.
At least that's what she put in her diary today.
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Post by redstriper on Mar 7, 2020 10:24:14 GMT
I read today they are taking the TAX off tampons.... not sure why - AMP is a shit name for a brand...
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 13, 2020 14:11:48 GMT
My grandmother got a telegram from the Queen for her 100th birthday. My granddaughter got a tweet from Prince Andrew for her 16th.
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Post by felonious on Mar 19, 2020 14:04:18 GMT
Hope you lot have got some good jokes ready for tomorrow
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Post by turtlefox on Mar 19, 2020 19:50:14 GMT
A male transsexual and a male transvestite both walk into a bra..
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2020 23:00:53 GMT
Japanese kid comes out of school and says 'Dad, our teacher said that Westerners think we all look alike,is that true?'
'I have no idea' came the reply 'And I'm not your Dad
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Post by Clayton Wood on Mar 20, 2020 10:03:33 GMT
Two blokes decide to take their dogs for a walk in the park (pre social distancing of course) One has a Dalmatian the other a Dachshund. The one with the Dalmatian says: "Come on, let's call for a pint on the way home." The Dachshund owner replies, "We can't, they won't serve us with the dogs." Dalmatian man says, "Do what I do." He puts his sunglasses on and walks into the pub The landlord says, "Sorry mate, can't serve you 'cause of the dog." "He's my guide dog, so it's alright isn't it?" "A Dalmatian?" "New Idea they are trialling, seems to be working fine." "Oh, in that case what can I get you?"
Just then the Dachshund owner walks in bedecked in sunglasses. "Sorry bud, no dogs so can't serve you." "But this is my guide dog." "A Dachshund, no way!" "Bastards, they told me it was a golden Labrador."
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Post by danceswithclams on Mar 20, 2020 17:01:12 GMT
A friend in Germany says everyone’s panic-buying cheese and sausages at the supermarket.
It’s a wurst käse scenario.
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Mar 26, 2020 7:54:19 GMT
Pinched off Twitter...
I ordered a chinese last night. The Chinese driver came to door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting 'isolate isolate'!
I said mate your not that late I only ordered 25 mins ago.
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Post by mattyd on Mar 26, 2020 11:24:29 GMT
Prince Charles is self isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19.
Meanwhile.....
Prince Andrew is self isolating at Sandringham with Jessica-14.
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