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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 3, 2020 9:22:34 GMT
I picked up a young lady hitchhiker on my way home last night, who I realised was a witch. She put her hand on my knee and I turned into a lay-by.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 9, 2020 22:42:55 GMT
I've just been in touch with my inner self. It's the last time I buy Tesco's every day value bog roll.
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Post by pretzel on Jan 10, 2020 20:48:26 GMT
During last years SATS examinations, children across Stoke on Trent were asked what units are used to measure speed?
One in five answered 'Grams or Kilos'
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Post by scfcwebby on Jan 10, 2020 20:57:06 GMT
A woman goes to her doctor for the results of the tests she had done. The doctor said "there is no easy way of telling you this but I have 2 bits of bad news" the woman replies "just tell me straight doc, what is it?"
"well unfortunately the test has shown that you have got cancer, I'm so sorry"
"oh my god" she replied "what is the second thing?"
"we have also discovered that you have alzheimers" sympathised the doctor
"thank fuck for that" she said "i thought you were going to tell me I had cancer"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2020 22:08:58 GMT
A woman sat on the roof of her home as the floodwaters rose all around.
A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said "Come on we've got to get you to safety before you drown". The woman replied "No thank you I'm waiting for the Lord to save me."
The waters continued to rise and a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescuer called down to her to leave. Yet again the woman replied "No thank you I'm waiting for the Lord to save me."
Eventually the floodwaters rose above her home and the woman sadly drowned. While standing at the Pearly Gates the woman saw the Lord and asked him "Oh Lord why didn't you save me ?"
The Lord replied "I sent you a boat, then I sent you a helicopter, what the hell else did you want ?"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jan 13, 2020 16:40:53 GMT
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
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Post by pretzel on Jan 19, 2020 16:21:58 GMT
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
They are very efficient and have no sense of humour.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 31, 2020 15:59:24 GMT
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away aged 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoat pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop is still in business and is still at the same location.
The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life.
The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there.
After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
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Post by danceswithclams on Jan 31, 2020 16:29:57 GMT
I'm thinking of selling my extensive collection of John Lennon vinyl on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Jan 31, 2020 16:32:06 GMT
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away aged 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoat pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop is still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday." Is that true Clayton ?
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 31, 2020 16:33:11 GMT
I've just found out that my kitchen work surfaces that I thought were marble aren't.
I've taken them for Granite all these years.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Jan 31, 2020 16:35:51 GMT
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away aged 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoat pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop is still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday." Is that true Clayton ? As true as the barrel of beer I'm buying you to celebrate Independence night with mate.
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Post by mattyd on Jan 31, 2020 17:47:47 GMT
Carl Douglas and his band Hot Chocolate are to release a charity record for the victims of Corona Virus..... Kung Flu Fighting...
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Post by mattyd on Jan 31, 2020 17:50:49 GMT
I've been put in quarantine and thrown in with a bunch of Coronavirus suspects in a place on Merseyside, just because I said I had bad cold symptoms. 🎵So, here I am, stuck in the Wirral with flu🎵
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Post by lordb on Jan 31, 2020 23:18:48 GMT
I'm thinking of selling my extensive collection of John Lennon vinyl on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal. Boo
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Post by felonious on Feb 1, 2020 7:57:22 GMT
I'm thinking of selling my extensive collection of John Lennon vinyl on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal. Took 10 hours but I eventually got there, I was a little tired last night mind
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Post by mattyd on Feb 1, 2020 13:54:50 GMT
I'm thinking of selling my extensive collection of John Lennon vinyl on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal. Took 10 hours but I eventually got there, I was a little tired last night mind LOL...Same here.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 7, 2020 9:41:16 GMT
The man who invented predictive text has died.
Restaurant in peace.
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Post by shakermaker on Feb 7, 2020 12:13:02 GMT
A man walks into a butchers and says "What's happened to the lad who was working here?"
"Had to sack him", replied the butcher. "He kept putting his knob in the bacon slicer."
The man looks around. "Where's the bacon slicer?", he asks.
"I sacked her as well", said the butcher.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 14, 2020 13:35:31 GMT
My wife just rang me from work to say the other three women in her office had received a bunch of red roses this morning and they were gorgeous.
I said, well there you go then.
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Post by lordb on Feb 14, 2020 17:12:58 GMT
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2020 1:34:36 GMT
Carl Douglas and his band Hot Chocolate are to release a charity record for the victims of Corona Virus..... Kung Flu Fighting... He wasn't in Hot Chocolate Don't worry I had to get the Paypal one explained to me
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Post by hotterpotter on Feb 15, 2020 8:42:34 GMT
A moo walked into a baaah and got fleeced.
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Post by hotterpotter on Feb 15, 2020 8:50:32 GMT
A mallard can't exist in two places at the same time.
It's a time travel paradox.
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Post by alsagerstokie on Feb 16, 2020 9:36:35 GMT
Weather reports say Storm Dennis could cause more damage than Ciara.
It goes to show if you want something done properly, get a bloke to do it.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Feb 21, 2020 9:31:43 GMT
Four business men are sitting in a maternity hospital waiting room. The nurse comes in and says "Congratulations! Your wife's had a boy". No 1 says "Great, and I'm the owner of Plus One Retail" She appears again and says "Congratulations! Your wife's had twins". No 2 says "Fantastic. And I run Two Rivers Theme Park." The nurse is back a third time "Congratulations! Your wife's had triplets" No 3 says "Brilliant, and I run Three Counties Agricultural Supplies." When she returns again one man is sat sobbing into his hands. "What's the matter?" Enquires the nurse. "I work for Seven Up." Sobs the man.
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Post by foster on Feb 21, 2020 10:36:35 GMT
Two guys get lost in the Sahara dessert and are both close to starvation.
Whilst crawling across the dunes they see a Nomad settlement in the distance.
Being Christians, they're both a little fearful, but are so desperate for food that they decide to approach the Nomads and take their chances.
When they make it there the tribe gathers around them both and the head Nomad asks them what religion they are. The first man answers truthfully, 'I'm a Christian' he says, with a little tremble in his voice. The other man, seeing how afraid his friend is, suddenly decides to lie and tells the Nomads 'I'm a Muslim, Praise be to Allah!'.
The Nomad leader then reaches for a mug of water and a plate of food. He gives it to the first man who claimed to be Christian. He then turns away from the man who claimed to be Muslim and proceeds to make his way back to his tent.
In shock at what just happened, the man who lied about being Muslim desperately calls out 'Hey, what about me? I'm a fellow Muslim like you and I need food too!'.
To which the Nomad leader turns to him and says.. 'Sorry mate, it's Ramadan'.
Edit: (running low on jokes at the moment)
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Post by foster on Feb 21, 2020 10:49:55 GMT
Bill and Ben are in the bath...
Bill says 'Ibble Obble Ob'
Ben says 'Fart again and I'll twat yer!'.
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Post by danceswithclams on Feb 21, 2020 11:50:34 GMT
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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Post by PotterLog on Feb 21, 2020 12:10:31 GMT
Four business men are sitting in a maternity hospital waiting room. The nurse comes in and says "Congratulations! Your wife's had a boy". No 1 says "Great, and I'm the owner of Plus One Retail" She appears again and says "Congratulations! Your wife's had twins". No 2 says "Fantastic. And I run Two Rivers Theme Park." The nurse is back a third time "Congratulations! Your wife's had triplets" No 3 says "Brilliant, and I run Three Counties Agricultural Supplies." When she returns again one man is sat sobbing into his hands. "What's the matter?" Enquires the nurse. "I work for Seven Up." Sobs the man. Or for a darker twist, Coke Zero
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