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Post by 828492 on Oct 30, 2019 22:18:40 GMT
Faf de Klerk, the Sarf African scrum half, was taking a domestic flight in Japan. He took his aisle seat and noticed that the man sitting in the window seat had looked up at him but quickly resumed reading his book without speaking. Thinking that he had not been recognised he opened his passport and left it in full view of the man sitting by the window. Still no recognition so Faf took out his number 9 shirt and spread it across the back of the seat in front. He got out his pen waiting for the anticipated request for an autograph. Still no hint of recognition so Faf tapped his fellow traveller on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me, do you know who I am?’ He asked. ‘Yes, you are Faf de Klerk, the Sarf African scrum half,’ the man replied. Faf smiled and said, ‘Yes, that’s me.’ The man in the window seat asked, ‘Do you know who I am?’ Faf replied, ‘No, I’ve never seen you before in my life.’ The man by the window said, ‘Let me introduce myself. I am Handre Pollard, your fly half’.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 1, 2019 9:28:32 GMT
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
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Post by Northy on Nov 1, 2019 9:40:07 GMT
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Post by unknown182 on Nov 1, 2019 10:33:10 GMT
Why do Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?
To beat the crowds.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2019 14:53:03 GMT
The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.
On reflection I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.
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Post by Northy on Nov 1, 2019 14:56:01 GMT
Why do Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? To beat the crowds. For France and Spain as well
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Post by essexstokey on Nov 1, 2019 18:20:13 GMT
bet they sold a lot of spirits in the pub last night
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 8, 2019 13:52:57 GMT
A shy young priest is meeting and greeting the wedding party guests at the church door. He mumbles over his words, casts his gaze to the floor and nervously fiddles with his hymn book.
The bride and groom arrive and he stands in front of them back to the alter and delivers the most rousing, entertaining and humorous sermon. The wedding guests are enthralled and hang on every word.
He takes the newlyweds into the vestry to sign the register. Again he barely looks anyone in the eye, mumbles his instructions and fidgets from one leg to the other.
"Forgive me Father, but why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that sermon!" Asks the Groom.
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
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Post by eyeonebob on Nov 8, 2019 17:55:04 GMT
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?????
A pickpocket snatches watches and a peeping Tom watches snatches. 😂😂😂😂😂
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Post by pretzel on Nov 9, 2019 22:09:18 GMT
There's a new sexual position called 'The Brexit'
You keep promising to pull out but you never do.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 15, 2019 14:51:48 GMT
Why do they give old men warm milk and viagra at night in retirement homes?
The warm milk puts them to sleep, the viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 15, 2019 16:16:11 GMT
A little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a black car pulled up beside her. Out of the car stepped a grey haired bearded old man. "Hello little girl, I'm Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the labour party. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Corbyn.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labour party left wing socialists," answered Suzy with a smile.
Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR boss and told him about the little girl and the lovely fluffy kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Labour leader should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when the black car pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV and Sky. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservatives."
Taken by surprise, Corbyn stammered, "But... but…yesterday, you told me they were Labour party left wing socialists."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 15, 2019 16:20:33 GMT
man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2019 16:48:17 GMT
An elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
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Post by felonious on Nov 15, 2019 18:12:04 GMT
A little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a black car pulled up beside her. Out of the car stepped a grey haired bearded old man. "Hello little girl, I'm Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the labour party. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Corbyn. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Labour party left wing socialists," answered Suzy with a smile. Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR boss and told him about the little girl and the lovely fluffy kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Labour leader should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when the black car pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV and Sky. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservatives." Taken by surprise, Corbyn stammered, "But... but…yesterday, you told me they were Labour party left wing socialists." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open.” This needs to go on the Corbyn thread.....it'll put them into meltdown
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Post by eyeonebob on Nov 15, 2019 19:39:12 GMT
A little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a black car pulled up beside her. Out of the car stepped a grey haired bearded old man. "Hello little girl, I'm Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the labour party. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Corbyn. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Labour party left wing socialists," answered Suzy with a smile. Corbyn was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR boss and told him about the little girl and the lovely fluffy kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Labour leader should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when the black car pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV and Sky. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Corbyn got out of his car and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Conservatives." Taken by surprise, Corbyn stammered, "But... but…yesterday, you told me they were Labour party left wing socialists." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open.” This needs to go on the Corbyn thread.....it'll put them into meltdown Corbyn wants melting down.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 16, 2019 15:26:44 GMT
I was rudely awoken at 2am this morning by 3 Vale fans playing football outside my house with a hedgehog. Shocked and outraged I was just about to call the RSPCA when the hedgehog went 1-0 up.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 22, 2019 9:44:22 GMT
A blind man walks into a restaurant. Waiter, "Menu sir?" Blind man, "I can't see but I have an excellent sense of smell, bring me a dirty fork from the kitchen to sniff and I'll decide from that." The waiter returns with the fork. The blind man takes a deep breath and inhales. "Yes, I'll have the minted lamb with with sauteed parsnips and fresh garden peas please." The waiter returns, he polishes off his meal, pays and exits carefully using the chairs to guide him to the door. A week later he returns and the waiter decides to play a trick on him. He dashes into the kitchen and says to his wife. "Brenda wipe the fork on your fanny." He returns to the blind man with the fork. "Ah, interesting," says the blind man, "Brenda works here."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2019 13:02:32 GMT
Several men are in the locker room at their golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man presseses the loud speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Hi love, it's me... are you at the club?' MAN: 'Yes' WOMAN: 'I'm at the shopping centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.' WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2019 Models. I saw one that I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '£98,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house that I wanted us to buy last year is back on the market. They're asking for £980,000.' MAN: 'Oh well, go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!' MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open.
The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone this is ?"
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Post by unknown182 on Nov 22, 2019 20:12:21 GMT
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 23, 2019 13:41:35 GMT
I bought Neil Diamond's old Volvo on Ebay. It was a Swede car on-line...
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 23, 2019 13:45:44 GMT
A woman takes her cat to the vet and explains he’s been tired and listless for the last day or so. The vet puts his stethoscope to the cats chest and after a moment says “Say aahhh”. The woman says “How can a cat say aahhh?”
The vet says “I was talking to you, the cat’s dead”
Apologies to the cat thread people (I have 4 myself).
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Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 29, 2019 7:58:02 GMT
For labour's final campaign push, Diane Abott goes to a local hairdressers to try and smarten herself up and look decent. She goes in and sits down on the chair and asks the hairdresser "which cut can make me look good?" The hairdresser replies "a power cut"
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Post by Cast no shadow on Nov 29, 2019 7:58:33 GMT
What do dwarves and midgets have in common?
Very little.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Nov 29, 2019 10:11:37 GMT
Corbyn and Mcdonnell go into to a Chinese restaurant, take a seat and naturally start talking politics. Mcdonnell: "You have to congratulate the Chinese on being the model for a successful state directed economy." Corbyn: "Indeed. I wonder if they have any Jews? I'll ask the waiter." The waiter arrives with the menus. Corbyn: "Tell me, do you have Chinese Jews?" Waiter: "No sir, we have no Chinese Jews?" Corbyn to Mcdonnell: "Promising, but we need to check further." Corbyn: "Waiter go and check with the head waiter if you have Chinese Jews." Returning waiter: "Head man say we have no Chinese Jews." Corbyn: "Right, check with chef and the other waiters." Waiter returns: "Other waiters and chef say we have no Chinese Jews." Corbyn: "Great just as I thought, we'll order now." Waiter: "You like drink first? We have orange Jews, pineapple Jews and apple Jews, sorry no Chinese Jews."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2019 12:32:46 GMT
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It was only about five minutes later that he jumped up, took all his clothes off, threw all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "Oh I’m so sorry, we said it was experimental but we really didn’t realize the pill was that strong! We will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 29, 2019 14:20:42 GMT
There are reports of a man collapsing at the top of the London Eye, Paramedics are at the scene and have reported that he's coming around slowly.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Nov 29, 2019 14:47:36 GMT
My pet mouse Elvis died last night....
Got caught in a trap
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Post by mrcoke on Dec 5, 2019 22:05:29 GMT
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?
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Post by heyzeus on Dec 5, 2019 22:29:51 GMT
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrots? It's Thursday
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