|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 12:54:02 GMT
"In some ways you are right, but we need to polish that concept up, but keep at it, there's merit in your argument"
Translated - "Wrong. Idiot"
Next one: -
"This concept requires some revision"
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 12:54:53 GMT
I'm getting a weird dejá vu thing going on......
|
|
|
|
Post by myleftboot on Jun 30, 2008 12:57:05 GMT
"This concept requires some revision"
I am your boss and the idea is crap so I will change it and take the credit.
Heres one
"you tick most of the boxes for you to get this job but we need to iron out one or two things before an offer can be made"
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 12:57:44 GMT
Nice one PCW, you pick now.....
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:00:47 GMT
Me & WD have been playing Management Translation Tennis for about half an hour now, there's some fucking classics in there.
WD is definitely management potential.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:01:59 GMT
"you tick most of the boxes for you to get this job but we need to iron out one or two things before an offer can be made"
translates to
“You’re a thick cunt, what made you think you could do this job?”
NEXT: -
"Brainstorming session - 3pm in the meeting room"
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:05:47 GMT
Incorrect Sidders:
"Brainstorming session - 3pm in the meeting room"
"I've got a 5 o'clock meeting with the senior management team on our corporate new business strategy. Instead of working on this last night, i got fucking battered and feel like shit. Give me some fucking ideas, now"
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:10:37 GMT
You set the next one now vestan.
tranlates as
"Chop chop numbnuts"
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:12:55 GMT
"The Finincial Director wants to discuss some irregularities in your expense account"
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:15:48 GMT
“£100 on food and drink for 1 night at a hotel. Are you taking the piss?”
This game also works the other way, i.e. Employee Phrase Translation
“It was like that when I found it”
Translates as
“I fucking broke it, you know I fucking broke it but there’s fuck all you can do to prove it so you’re just going to smile and pretend you fucking believe me because if you take any fucking action I will sue you for every fucking penny you’ve got. Cunt,”
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:18:27 GMT
"I hope to engender a close working relationship with you"
Translates as
"If you so much as brush my leg with your coat i'll have you in Tribunal quicker than you can say "sexual urges"
|
|
|
|
Post by myleftboot on Jun 30, 2008 13:19:33 GMT
Heres a good one and one that was used on me the other day
"Team can we have a catch up meeting to give me an update on the projects you are working on as I have technical issues for the past few days and can't access my email"
Translates as
"Ive been skiving for the past few days and haven't shown an interest in anything your all doing and now I am getting shit off the MD as I can't tell him what is happenining in his marketing team".
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:21:27 GMT
"I've spent the last 4 days looking at Porn and Holiday websites, and as such i have absolutely fucking no idea what you have been doing since last Tuesday. If i find out you've been doing as little as i have, you'll be fucking gone. There's only room for one lazy bastard in here, and that Ladies & Gentlemen is me"
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:22:09 GMT
Set the next one now Peter.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:25:19 GMT
“This is not a blame culture”
Translates as
“If this goes tits up we are gonna find some fucker to blame so you better have yourself covered”
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:26:39 GMT
“This is not a blame culture”
Translates as
"This is not a blame culture"
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:28:02 GMT
“Hmmmmm, you could be onto something there Tom”
Translates as
“What a fucking great idea, I’m passing that one off as my own. Of course if it goes tits up, I’m hanging you out to dry”
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:30:08 GMT
;D
"I think it's a great idea, but right now finance won't go for it"
Translated
"That's a fucking stupid idea, but you do my expenses for me and book my train tickets, so there's no way i'm upsetting you, so i'll blame the fucking beancounters instead"
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:31:41 GMT
;D ;D ;D
“Can I have a word in my office please Greg”
Translates as
“The IT guys have found your porn stash on your PC again, this is your last warning………..and what is the addiction to animal farm?”
|
|
|
|
Post by myleftboot on Jun 30, 2008 13:33:16 GMT
My personal favourite that always applied to BT
"don't come back in work until your feeling better, we don't want to spread it around"
Translates as:-
"Yeah I am nice as pie on the phone so have all the time off you want but you just fucking wait till you get back in work Mr. We will grill you to infiniaty and give you a written warning for being a skiving sod"
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jun 30, 2008 13:34:03 GMT
"We need to review our Internet Management Policy"
Translates As
"Where's my fucking porn cache gone to?"
Being a proactive* seagull* manager, i'm off to do some blamestorming*.
* WD will fill you in on the meanings.......
|
|
|
|
Post by myleftboot on Jun 30, 2008 13:36:21 GMT
Can't use brain storming now I am told. It's discriminatory. They call it a thought shower now.
Daft innit ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2008 13:37:01 GMT
“proactive” – is the word that goes on everyone’s CV and most people don’t really know what it means
“seagull management” – swoop in, shit on everyone, make a bit of noise then fuck off.
“blamestorming” it’s what your boss means when they say “brainstorm”
|
|
|
|
Post by scfcmatt on Jun 30, 2008 15:33:29 GMT
"PASS THE FUCKING BALL JEREMY!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2008 11:23:45 GMT
“That’s a great idea but it’s not feasible to put into practice. Keep up the good work though”
Translates as
“You fucking fuck’tard. What a stupid fucking idea. Prick”
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jul 1, 2008 11:32:03 GMT
"I see no real reason why this project cannot be moved forward quickly"
Translates as:
"Off the top of my head, i can't think of a decent excuse as to why I should veto this fucking ridiculous proposal, bt mark my words i'll think of something"
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jul 1, 2008 11:35:59 GMT
Now you've got it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2008 11:42:20 GMT
“meeting to review the project at 2pm today”
Translates as
“I can’t be arsed to do any fucking work so I’m planning on sitting in meetings all day, talking about loads of different proposals and other shit and then leaving the meeting and absolutely nothing fucking changes”
(this is one from personal experience)
|
|
|
|
Post by the cat on Jul 1, 2008 11:45:38 GMT
My old boss never really got the hang of mangment speak. Some of his faves were
"There no I in Team, But there's a U in cunt"
and
"What's got two thumbs speaks french and doesn't give a fuck - Moi"
I think he's only still here cause he's been around too long to sack
|
|
|
|
Post by vestanpance on Jul 1, 2008 11:46:42 GMT
It's a friday favourite.
I often request to "review the sales criteria" on a friday afternoon with a mate, which basically involves watching a DVD.
|
|
