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Post by murphthesurf on Mar 29, 2019 21:06:59 GMT
What did the vet give to the piglet for his sore little trotter? Oinkment.
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Post by murphthesurf on Mar 29, 2019 21:19:10 GMT
What smells of almonds and swings through the trees? Tarzipan Oh yeah - and what is white and fluffy and also swings through the trees? A meringue-Utan.
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Post by napperwainwright on Mar 29, 2019 21:37:38 GMT
What's black n white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
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Post by murphthesurf on Mar 30, 2019 11:12:21 GMT
"Excuse me, everybody - Has anyone here got a huge black dog with a white collar?"
(Collectively:) "No No No No No No No"
"Sh1t, I've run over the vicar..."
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Post by murphthesurf on Mar 30, 2019 11:15:34 GMT
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2019 22:34:00 GMT
One Cow says to another: “Eh, that Mad Cow Disease is bad, isn’t it?”
“No idea”, the other Cow replies; “I’m a Duck”.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2019 22:34:54 GMT
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD collection?
In Iraq.
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Post by scfcwebby on Mar 31, 2019 23:17:41 GMT
2 sausages in a pan, one turns to the other and says "fuck me it's hot in here" the other says "Arrrggghhh.... A talking sausage"
A better spoken than written joke I think
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Post by scfcwebby on Mar 31, 2019 23:18:31 GMT
Speaking to a bloke at work the other day, he said "what rhymes with orange?"
I said "no it doesn't"
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Post by stokefc on Apr 1, 2019 9:16:39 GMT
What's black and hangs off a wire
An Irish electrition
What's green and sings
Elvis parsley
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Post by Bojan Mackey on Apr 1, 2019 9:19:29 GMT
What do you call a man who lives between two houses?
Ali.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 1, 2019 16:52:30 GMT
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 1, 2019 16:59:44 GMT
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!'
The Chinese Businessman called out, 'Move it. Time is money!'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George,' said the Catholic Priest. 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls.'
The Aussie Bricklayer said, 'Why can't the bastards play at night?'
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Post by kelw on Apr 1, 2019 18:08:20 GMT
Why did Gladys Knight hang the phone up?
Because she could hear the Pips
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Post by murphthesurf on Apr 1, 2019 19:17:35 GMT
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute. Pharaoh Roche!!! - You got any tips for how to get a second load of coffee out of a keyboard, Ilfy ??? I'd only just dried it out after stokefc's Irish Electrician + Elvis Parsley…..
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Post by telfordstoke on Apr 1, 2019 19:27:22 GMT
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute. Pharaoh Roche!!! - You got any tips for how to get a second load of coffee out of a keyboard, Ilfy ??? I'd only just dried it out after stokefc's Irish Electrician + Elvis Parsley….. I’ve just achieved hero status by telling the Pharoah Roche joke to the Wife kids n in-laws!
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Post by murphthesurf on Apr 1, 2019 19:53:47 GMT
Pharaoh Roche!!! - You got any tips for how to get a second load of coffee out of a keyboard, Ilfy ??? I'd only just dried it out after stokefc's Irish Electrician + Elvis Parsley….. I’ve just achieved hero status by telling the Pharoah Roche joke to the Wife kids n in-laws! EXCELLENT! I told it to Mr Surf as well, Tel ! Classic!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2019 19:58:36 GMT
What do you call an Epileptic lying in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
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Post by Bojan Mackey on Apr 1, 2019 20:04:29 GMT
What do you call an Epileptic lying in a pile of leaves? Russell. I pissed myself way more than I should have done at that.
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Post by Bojan Mackey on Apr 1, 2019 20:06:11 GMT
What do you call a scared Russian insect?
A KGB.
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Post by stokefc on Apr 1, 2019 20:17:24 GMT
What do you call an Epileptic lying in a pile of leaves? Russell. I pissed myself way more than I should have done at that. What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in a bath Throw your washing in Sorry so so sorry it's a very old joke from years gone by
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Post by 828492 on Apr 1, 2019 22:15:41 GMT
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window. He said, ‘It’s going to rain’. His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear’.
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Post by pretzel on Apr 2, 2019 18:19:18 GMT
I've been trying to lose weight, so am currently trying the 'Adam Ant diet'
Don't chew ever, don't chew ever.
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Post by The Drunken Communist on Apr 2, 2019 18:24:29 GMT
I've just been reading about how the worlds shortest man got pickpocketed in London yesterday... I don't know how anyone could stoop so low.
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Post by pretzel on Apr 2, 2019 18:57:05 GMT
I've just been reading about how a woman got sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists in London yesterday...
They did unspeakable things to her
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Post by basingstokie on Apr 2, 2019 19:33:33 GMT
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute. Guys at work think I'm a legend for the Pharaoh joke
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Apr 2, 2019 19:50:48 GMT
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute. Guys at work think I'm a legend for the Pharaoh joke You're welcome.
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Post by murphthesurf on Apr 2, 2019 20:05:18 GMT
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche... I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute. Guys at work think I'm a legend for the Pharaoh joke Well you owe Ilfy a pint at the next home game, then, Bas! In fact I think we all do!
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Post by henry on Apr 2, 2019 20:26:16 GMT
How can you tell if Lady Gaga is lying dead on the floor ? Poke her face.
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Post by pretzel on Apr 2, 2019 20:37:34 GMT
On getting home having quaffed a few pints after 5 a side, my missus asked if I preferred football to her. I said if you really need to know the answer to that just open your legs and I'll show you. She opened her legs, so I nutmegged her
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