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Post by kelw on Jun 28, 2019 16:24:16 GMT
A veteran WW2 Spitfire pilot is addressing a Sunday School meeting with the local vicar. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared!" There were a few gasps from the grandmothers and several of the children began to giggle. "I looked up and realised that two of the Fokkers were directly above me! I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other Fokker was right on my tail!" At this point, several of the mothers were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly. The vicar finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that, 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war." "Yes, that's true." says the old pilot. "But these Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts!" Stan Boardman told that on Des O'Connor. His face was priceless
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Jul 3, 2019 17:36:48 GMT
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 16, 2019 8:28:00 GMT
I've given up the booze because I was scared of becoming an alcoholic. I drink brake fluid now and can stop if I want to.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2019 12:09:17 GMT
A man sits next to a very attractive woman on a plane. A few minutes after take off the woman sneezed, let out a stifled scream, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, let out a stifled scream, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she let out a stifled scream, took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, let out a stifled scream, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?” “I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have the most amazing orgasm.” The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?” The woman nodded, “Pepper.”
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 16, 2019 12:14:55 GMT
Vladimir Putin arrives at the airport arrivals passport desk. Border official: Occupation? Putin: No, just a holiday.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2019 12:31:23 GMT
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, grab her tits, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 16, 2019 12:33:58 GMT
I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin. People often ask me how I can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really. Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 16, 2019 12:54:26 GMT
What you call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 16, 2019 14:54:54 GMT
Q: What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?
A: Found in your cell, unresponsive
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Post by marylandstoke on Aug 16, 2019 20:56:46 GMT
Derby told Wayne Rooney he was coming as player/coach.
He said he didn’t mind playing but was confused as to why he had to drive the coach.
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Post by foster on Aug 16, 2019 21:10:11 GMT
What do you call a fly without wings?...
...., a Walk!!
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Post by danceswithclams on Aug 16, 2019 21:31:08 GMT
What do you call a fly without wings?... ...., a Walk!! Q:What do you call a cunt with wings? A: Paul McCartney
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Post by pearo on Aug 16, 2019 21:34:41 GMT
I went for a job interview today and the last question they asked me was “ How well do you perform under pressure? “
I said “ I’m ok but I do Bohemian Rhapsody better”
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Post by harryburrows on Aug 22, 2019 20:42:19 GMT
Man walking down the street sees a sign in a house window " TALKING DOG FOR SALE " . He was instantly amazed and knocked on the door . Hes in the garden if you want to have a look , just go and have a chat with him . so the man does just that . He looks at the dog and asked are you the talking dog , the black Labrador looks at him and says yes I'm the talking dog . The man was amazed and says well what's your story , I'm sure it's fascinating. The dog says yes it is , I just retired from the SAS . Wow said the man , what did you do . Well said the dog when they realised I could talk i often accompanied senior politicians overseas and listened in to lots of pivate conversations and reported back to my seniors , I did this for a few years as I also understand a bit Russian and some mandarin. Anyway I got tired of the traveling and was reassigned to Heathrow where I intercepted quite a few terrorists trying to enter the country. Wow said the man this is amazing . The dog said well I retired a while back and am now looking to settle down and start a family . Right said the man I'm going to speak to your owner . He went back and knocked on the door and said I want the dog , how much . The owner said £10 , great he said and paid the money . He then asked why so cheap . The owner said because he's a lying piece of shit He's never left the garden
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Post by Clayton Wood on Aug 23, 2019 7:46:38 GMT
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “HEY, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
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Post by foster on Aug 23, 2019 8:35:43 GMT
Two dicks walking past a gay bar...
One turns to the other and says "Let's go in there and get shit faced".
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Post by yeokel on Aug 23, 2019 8:45:29 GMT
What do you call a fly without wings?... ...., a Walk!! Q:What do you call a cunt with wings? A: Paul McCartney Q. What do you call a dog with wings? A. Linda McCartney.
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Post by foster on Aug 23, 2019 9:34:23 GMT
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?
- No idea!
What do you call a Deer with no eyes or legs?
- Still no idea!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2019 11:12:49 GMT
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
He's 97 years old now and we have no idea where the hell he is.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 23, 2019 17:37:33 GMT
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.”
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Aug 23, 2019 17:38:50 GMT
“Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!”
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Post by pretzel on Aug 28, 2019 12:07:19 GMT
Samuel L Jackson has teamed up with surviving Chas n Dave member, Dave Peacock to make a new single. It's called 'Knees up mother f*cker'
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Sept 10, 2019 16:13:08 GMT
I know it's Tuesday, but I just heard this:
I was sitting next to a fruit machine addict at 'Gamblers Anonymous' last night, it was awful.
He kept nudging me.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 13, 2019 8:53:05 GMT
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.
Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
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Post by maxplonk on Sept 13, 2019 9:13:31 GMT
What do you call a Deer with no eyes? - No idea! What do you call a Deer with no eyes or legs? - Still no idea! What do you call a Deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals? -Still no fucking idea!
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Post by foster on Sept 13, 2019 10:10:14 GMT
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
...
Why did Trickdicky73 cross the road?
Because he had his dick stuck in the chicken!
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Post by eyeonebob on Sept 20, 2019 10:00:57 GMT
Went the shop last night and my lad asked if I could get him 6 cans of sprite.
I was half way home before I realised I'd picked 7 up
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Post by foster on Sept 20, 2019 11:14:09 GMT
Guy goes to the vet with his dog.
Guy: Vet, can you help me, my dog looks sick.
The vet proceeds to pick the dog up and look it over. After a few minutes he turns to the concerned owner.
Vet: Well, I'm sorry sir but I'm afraid I have to put him down.
Guy: Damn, is it really that bad????
Vet: No, he's just fucking heavy!
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Post by foster on Sept 20, 2019 11:15:25 GMT
What's red with 7 little dents in it?
Snow Whites cherry.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Sept 20, 2019 13:22:17 GMT
A 78 year old man and woman go to a private sex clinic. The specialist asks how he can help them? The man asks him to watch them having sex. OK replies the specialist I charge £50 an hour. After an hour of sex the couple dress, hand over the £50 and leave.
The same happens the following week and the week after. Eventually, after the 4th time the specialist asks what exactly is the advice they are looking for as everything looks fine to him.
'Oh, none says the man. You see she's married so we can't go to her house and so am I so we can't go to mine. Travelodge charges £85 and Holiday Inn £110 for the afternoon. This way I give you £50 and claim £60 back from BUPA.'
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