A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.
The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?" Patient: "No, I don't go near them." Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?" Patient: "No, nothing like that." Doc: "How about at work?" Patient: "No, I'm unemployed." Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?" Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."
A little 6 year old girl is playing in the back garden when a white van pull up next door and 4 men get out and start unloading building materials. "What you doin'?" enquires the little girl. "We're building a kitchen extension for the lady next door." replies the foreman. "Can I watch? asks the girl. "Sure." After about 15 minutes she is hanging over the fence engrossed in the work going on next door. "Look," says the foreman, "go and ask your mummy if it's OK if you come around and give us a hand." She does and arrives around next door. "Mummy says it's OK if I don't get under your feet and go straight home when you go." They give her little jobs to do. Sweeping up spilt sand, filling the mixer with a hose pipe, counting out screws etc. At the end of the day she asks if it's OK to come back tomorrow, they agree provided Mummy says yes. Next day they turn up and the little girl appears again. They give her more little jobs to do until the end of the day. This goes on all week until Friday afternoon when the builders have a whip round between them and stuff £10 in an old wage packet. The foreman presents her with it and tells her it's her wages she has earned for the week. She goes home and tells her Mum who replies they are going to open a bank account with her first week's wages. In the bank her Mum explains her daughter would like to open an account with the wages she earned helping the builders. "That's a very good idea," says the counter lady, "it will be safe in my bank. Will you be having some more wages next week?" "Dunno," says the little girl, "depends if fucking Jewsons turn up with the bastard damp proof on Monday or not."
Post by DeesideStokie on May 23, 2019 18:00:38 GMT
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, quickly removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
A heavy-set female Vale supporter goes to the doctor to try and lose weight. The doctor tells her to eat normally for 4 days, then skip the next day and so on and come back in a month. He assures her she'll have lost at least 4 pounds. A month later she returns 2 stones lighter. "Wow, you look great, how do you feel? Asks the Doc. "Sore, tired and my muscles are aching." She replies. "From not eating?" "No, all the skipping."
A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.” Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start on Friday. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid says “One”. The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says “£175,000”. The boss says “£175,000? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down to Kent, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a nice twin engine boat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him that blue Range Rover.” The boss looked at the kid in disbelief and said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a RANGE ROVER ?” The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Mate, your weekend’s going to be shit, you should go fishing.’ ”
Once upon a time a guy said this to a girl," Will you marry me ? " The girl said NO ,!! And the guy lived happily ever after , rode motorcycle ,went fishing played golf . He drank lots of beer and whiskey. He had pots of money in the bank , left the toilet seat up , farted when he felt like it .
a man walks into a bar… The bartender greets him and says, “For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing.” The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks !” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Jun 10, 2019 15:55:08 GMT
The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes. St. Peter: “What do you want? ” Pakistani man: “I’m here for Jesus.” St. Peter: “Jesus, your taxi’s here!! “
This is a friends last joke as told by his daughter at the end of her eulogy at yesterday's funeral. He was in his 90s, a retired farmer.
The Turkey wistfully looked up at the Crow sitting on the highest branch of the tree in the farmyard and said " If only I was able to fly like you my dream is to be able to fly that high and sit looking down on the farm"
The Crow tells the Turkey that there is a way and points to the farmer's prize bull in the adjoining pen and tells the Turkey that the farmer gives the bull the very best in feed, the best nutrition and mineral supplements available to any animal on the farm. The Turkey complains that he can't get to the feed because of the aggressive bull but the Crow tells him that if he goes around the rear and nibbles a little every day he will soon be as well fed as the bull.
The Turkey follows the guidence and after a week he is able to fly to the first branches. After two weeks he's more than halfway up the tree and by the third week he finds himself sitting alongsde the Crow, his dream finally realised. At this point the farmer comes out and sees to his amazement a lone Turkey sitting alongside the Crow at the top of the tree, reaches for his gun and shoots the Turkey who drops like a stone on to the farmyard.
The moral of the story is that while you might get to the top on bullshit you won't stay there for long.