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Post by algor on Dec 5, 2019 22:32:52 GMT
It was that bloody cold this morning, as I was scraping the ice of my car a socialist walked past with his hands in his own pockets!
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Post by mrcoke on Dec 5, 2019 23:14:26 GMT
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrots? It's Thursday Not in Singapore
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 6, 2019 10:34:11 GMT
I had a short holiday romance this last summer on a canal holiday with a woman on the barge moored next to mine. But like all these things, by the end of the week we had drifted apart.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 6, 2019 13:23:20 GMT
I had sex with a bowl of Frosties, then a bowl of Cornflakes, then a bowl of Wheatabix this morning.
I think I'm a cereal rapist.
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 6, 2019 15:34:02 GMT
I was in a bar recently, only customer, just me and the bar man and he was restocking. All of a sudden I heard a voice say “your a very handsome man” After ignoring it I heard “i love what your wearing” I thought, this is stupid, so I called over the bar man and told him what happened.
He said, don’t worry Sir, that’s just the complementary peanuts.
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Post by pretzel on Dec 6, 2019 21:03:24 GMT
Took the missus out to some fancy new restaurant in Cheshire this week. The waitress came over to our table and said "are you ready to order sir? I asked "Would you mind coming back in a little while as my wife has just gone to the ladies" She said "Well we are rather busy tonight sir, are you able to tell me what she's having" I replied "Well, she's been gone over ten minutes now, so I'd say she's having a good shit"
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Post by felonious on Dec 11, 2019 19:01:43 GMT
My lady asked me last weekend to pass her the lip balm. I passed her the superglue by mistake. She hasn't spoken to me all week.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 13, 2019 10:19:24 GMT
Pizza Delivery Boy: That's £15.75 Woman: I can't afford that! Pizza Delivery Boy: Well you'll have to find some way to pay... Woman [looking in purse]: Oh, I forgot I've got a twenty tucked in the zip section at the back. Porn Director: CUT! WTF are you doing?
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Post by chuffedstokie on Dec 13, 2019 13:44:10 GMT
What do you call a Lada with the window open?
A bottle bank.
Just saw James May on the telly.
Plenty more Lada jokes, only remembered a couple.
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Post by foster on Dec 13, 2019 14:06:19 GMT
Michael Jacksons on a beach...
A man leans over and says to him 'Excuse me, but you're in my son'.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 13, 2019 16:54:50 GMT
A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Post by rivival on Dec 14, 2019 3:12:00 GMT
I had sex with a bowl of Frosties, then a bowl of Cornflakes, then a bowl of Wheatabix this morning. I think I'm a cereal rapist. I had a bowl of those little orphans....Snap, Crackle but no pop.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 15, 2019 14:29:39 GMT
People keep making fun of my dwarf girlfriend because of her height.
To cheer her up I’m going to buy her some flowers, chocolates and wine and then run her a nice hot sink.
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Dec 15, 2019 14:31:34 GMT
A bloke goes to the doctors because his cock has turned orange.
The doc says: "There must be an eternal cause for this. Do you spend any free time around chemicals?" Patient: "No, I don't go near them." Doc: "Hmmm, how about at home? Have you come into contact with any sort of dye?" Patient: "No, nothing like that." Doc: "How about at work?" Patient: "No, I'm unemployed." Doc: "Well what do you do with your time?" Patient: "Mostly just sit around eating Wotsits and wanking."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2019 20:08:03 GMT
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2019 20:09:32 GMT
An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?” “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.” “And that helps?” “Yes, because I use your toothbrush.”
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 20, 2019 12:44:20 GMT
A woman goes to the doctors for a full check over. After the examination the doctor says, "I'm very sorry but I have grave news. You only have 6 months to live." "What should I do?" "Go home and look up the 'What now for Brexit thread' on the Oatcake and marry a member with more than 500 posts." "Will that make me live longer?" "No,it'll just seem like it."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2019 17:34:47 GMT
Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just putting off the inevitable.
Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news. Instead, he gave the sorry job to Carol, Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.
“Honey”, said Carol the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”
Bob, always in a really depressed state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”
“Well dear,” said Carol cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like both of your legs are going to have to be amputated.”
Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out, “Carol, what’s the good news?”
“The good news” said Carol happily, “is that the Doctor that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”
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Post by bigjohnritchie on Dec 20, 2019 17:47:42 GMT
A woman goes to the doctors for a full check over. After the examination the doctor says, "I'm very sorry but I have grave news. You only have 6 months to live." "What should I do?" "Go home and look up the 'What now for Brexit thread' on the Oatcake and marry a member with more than 500 posts." "Will that make me live longer?" "No,it'll just seem like it." What was her name?
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Post by felonious on Dec 20, 2019 18:59:12 GMT
A woman goes to the doctors for a full check over. After the examination the doctor says, "I'm very sorry but I have grave news. You only have 6 months to live." "What should I do?" "Go home and look up the 'What now for Brexit thread' on the Oatcake and marry a member with more than 500 posts." "Will that make me live longer?" "No,it'll just seem like it." Just looked for the hell of it there's 19 to choose from but not me
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Post by FbrgVaStkFan on Dec 20, 2019 20:18:05 GMT
It's being played right now.
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Post by pretzel on Dec 22, 2019 8:34:37 GMT
Do you know anyone who will be spending Christmas alone this year?
If so could you let me have their address because I'm looking to borrow a couple of extra dining chairs for Christmas dinner.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 24, 2019 14:29:02 GMT
Twas the night before Christmas When all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, Not even a mouse.
Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2019 19:45:48 GMT
As it's Christmas
If you see a fat man… Who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it… Your eggnog’s too strong!!!
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Post by danceswithclams on Dec 24, 2019 20:43:06 GMT
Bought the Mrs a bumper pack of Tampax this Christmas...for the festive period.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 27, 2019 10:18:54 GMT
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Burslem? Otherwise it would have been called a teethbrush.
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Post by marylandstoke on Dec 27, 2019 13:05:45 GMT
The wife gave me slippers and a piece of ass for Christmas.
They were both a bit too big.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 17:22:37 GMT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, open your eyes, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well if there are millions of stars, and even a few of those have planets, It's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said "Watson, you idiot, It means someone stole our tent"
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Post by slicko on Dec 27, 2019 21:58:16 GMT
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Dec 27, 2019 22:06:43 GMT
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her top pocket and thinks 'some arsehole has my pen'.
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