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Post by harryburrows on Oct 4, 2019 16:00:32 GMT
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer "
I find this a very strange advice. Why would I want to watch my mates all having a great time in the pub while I sit on the other side with my ex wife and the twat she ran off with
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Oct 16, 2019 16:31:18 GMT
Formed in 1977 in Coventry, by Jerry Dammers, Tim Strickland, Lynval Golding, Silverton Hutchinson and Horace Panter, they had a string of hits such as 'Ghost Town', 'Too Much Too Young' and 'A Message to you Rudy'." he said to me.
"That's great" I replied to the waiter, "but not what I meant when when I asked if you could you tell me about the specials!"
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Post by ilfracoombestokie3 on Oct 16, 2019 16:33:16 GMT
Just about to put a load of my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay. Imagine all the Paypal.
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Post by pearo on Oct 17, 2019 8:56:55 GMT
Man wakes up in hospital after being involved in a serious car crash only to find he no longer has a penis. The consultant walks into the room and can see that the man is bereft. The consultant says “ I can fully understand your concern, but you are actually quite lucky as you happen to be in the only hospital in the world that does penis transplants. Obviously this is not available on the NHS but is a private operation. We currently have three models for you to choose from, the standard English penis at £2,000, the standard Scottish penis, it has spent all of it’s life under a kilt, at £3,000 or the classic Jamaican penis at £5,000.
The man is mightily relieved but says that he couldn’t make any financial decision without speaking to his wife.
The consultant informs the man that his wife is in the waiting room, he will tell her to come in and return in five minutes for their decision.
Five minutes later the consultant returns and asks “ Have you decided what you are having?”
The man replies “ A new kitchen”
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Post by auntiegeorge on Oct 18, 2019 12:14:39 GMT
Marriage is like a pack of cards.
You need a heart to love her, A diamond to wed her, A club to kill her, And a spade to bury her.
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Post by spiderpuss on Oct 18, 2019 21:01:04 GMT
How do you count cows?
On a calculator.
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Post by pearo on Oct 18, 2019 21:02:52 GMT
Just hired a stretch limo for £650 for the night, then discovered the fee didn’t include a driver. £650 and nothing to chauffeur it.
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Post by murphthesurf on Oct 18, 2019 21:15:33 GMT
What was the name of the woman who fell off the White Cliffs and got splattered? Eileen Dover.
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Post by steve66 on Oct 18, 2019 22:11:25 GMT
What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope
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Post by scfcwebby on Oct 19, 2019 21:22:23 GMT
What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope On a serious note, my uncle has literally got 2 left feet. Every time he goes on holiday, he has to buy himself a new pair of flip flips
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Post by mattyd on Oct 19, 2019 21:35:06 GMT
Just failed my angling exam. Was asked to name any bottom feeder. Elton John was an incorrect answer.
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Post by mrcoke on Oct 20, 2019 17:26:39 GMT
What was the name of the woman who fell off the White Cliffs and got splattered? Eileen Dover. Nowt stranger than real life. A once knew a guy who worked at Consett steelworks who was a twin. His parents clearly had a sense of humour as his name was Stan Dover. His twin brother was called Ben.
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Post by felonious on Oct 20, 2019 17:50:17 GMT
What was the name of the woman who fell off the White Cliffs and got splattered? Eileen Dover. Nowt stranger than real life. A once knew a guy who worked at Consett steelworks who was a twin. His parents clearly had a sense of humour as his name was Stan Dover. His twin brother was called Ben. Bet they hated him
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Post by chuffedstokie on Oct 20, 2019 19:32:05 GMT
This isn't a joke (as such) and I'm not going to start a thread on names but there's a guy at work whose surname is Ruff Cock.
I'll just leave this here.
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Post by foster on Oct 20, 2019 19:40:15 GMT
Did you hear about the peanut that ended up in hospital?
Apparently he was a salted.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2019 19:53:52 GMT
All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who the one in charge was.
“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away".
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”
“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache. The stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the ass hole is usually in charge.
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Post by elystokie on Oct 20, 2019 19:55:13 GMT
Bloke just back From his hols was telling me that a slice of apple pie cost him 6 dollars in The Bahamas but only 3 dollars in Jamaica.
Those, apparently, are the pie rates of The Caribbean.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 25, 2019 12:37:58 GMT
Johnson/Corbyn/Sturgeon/Foster* go out on a fact-finding mission to a rural village. "I'm hear to understand your local issues." * says in front of the crowd convened on the village green. The leader of the Parish Council steps forward and says, "We have two main issues here. Firstly, we have a cottage hospital but no doctor." * pulls out their phone, and speaks. Cutting off the call they promise "A doctor will be here in the morning. What's the second problem?" "We have no mobile phone signal in this village." Replies the councillor.
*Delete/substitute as required.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2019 15:52:33 GMT
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he desperately wants to f*ck . So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.
One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds.
Extremely grateful for him saving her life, and being really attracted to the guy, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". He say's "I thought you'd never ask, for the love of god, can you hold this camel still" ?
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Post by boothenboys1863 on Oct 25, 2019 23:17:38 GMT
A family were driving their car behind a bin wagon next minute this dildo flies out the back of the big wagon and hits the windscreen.
Little Johnny in the back says “woah mum what was that?” Embarrassed the mum said “don’t worry Johnny it was nothing just a fly hit the windscreen”
Little Johnny says “A fly!! Bloody hell mum I’m surprised it managed get off the ground with a cock like that”
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Post by Cast no shadow on Oct 26, 2019 23:09:14 GMT
I went to my local Chinese last night I ordered chicken chow mein egg fried rice and Singapore noodles The cunt tipped it loose into a plastic carrier bag I said what the fuck are you doing? He said we’re not allowed to put Chinese into containers anymore
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Post by marylandstoke on Oct 27, 2019 1:15:23 GMT
Johnson/Corbyn/Sturgeon/Foster* go out on a fact-finding mission to a rural village. "I'm hear to understand your local issues." * says in front of the crowd convened on the village green. The leader of the Parish Council steps forward and says, "We have two main issues here. Firstly, we have a cottage hospital but no doctor." * pulls out their phone, and speaks. Cutting off the call they promise "A doctor will be here in the morning. What's the second problem?" "We have no mobile phone signal in this village." Replies the councillor. *Delete/substitute as required. Trump and West Virginia for me thanks. im nicking that one if that’s ok
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Post by marylandstoke on Oct 27, 2019 1:17:57 GMT
Johnson/Corbyn/Sturgeon/Foster* go out on a fact-finding mission to a rural village. "I'm hear to understand your local issues." * says in front of the crowd convened on the village green. The leader of the Parish Council steps forward and says, "We have two main issues here. Firstly, we have a cottage hospital but no doctor." * pulls out their phone, and speaks. Cutting off the call they promise "A doctor will be here in the morning. What's the second problem?" "We have no mobile phone signal in this village." Replies the councillor. *Delete/substitute as required. Trump and West Virginia for me thanks. im nicking that one if that’s ok
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Post by MrFlirty on Oct 27, 2019 7:44:56 GMT
I went to my local Chinese last night I ordered chicken chow mein egg fried rice and Singapore noodles The cunt tipped it loose into a plastic carrier bag I said what the fuck are you doing? He said we’re not allowed to put Chinese into containers anymore Disgusting, please remove
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Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 27, 2019 9:49:45 GMT
Johnson/Corbyn/Sturgeon/Foster* go out on a fact-finding mission to a rural village. "I'm hear to understand your local issues." * says in front of the crowd convened on the village green. The leader of the Parish Council steps forward and says, "We have two main issues here. Firstly, we have a cottage hospital but no doctor." * pulls out their phone, and speaks. Cutting off the call they promise "A doctor will be here in the morning. What's the second problem?" "We have no mobile phone signal in this village." Replies the councillor. *Delete/substitute as required. Trump and West Virginia for me thanks. im nicking that one if that’s ok Help yourself, it's already been recycled by me!
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Post by murphthesurf on Oct 27, 2019 10:26:06 GMT
Johnson/Corbyn/Sturgeon/Foster* go out on a fact-finding mission to a rural village. "I'm hear to understand your local issues." * says in front of the crowd convened on the village green. The leader of the Parish Council steps forward and says, "We have two main issues here. Firstly, we have a cottage hospital but no doctor." * pulls out their phone, and speaks. Cutting off the call they promise "A doctor will be here in the morning. What's the second problem?" "We have no mobile phone signal in this village." Replies the councillor. *Delete/substitute as required. Trump and West Virginia for me thanks.
im nicking that one if that’s ok
Hi MD
Well you might also quite like this one, then:
An aircraft was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachute packs. The first passenger said "I am Clint Eastwood and my millions of fans need me, so I can't afford to die." So he grabbed the first parachute pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said "I am the U.S. President, and I am by far the smartest president in the entire history of the USA, so the American people don't want me to die." He took a second pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left. You have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's OK, Pope, there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest president just took my school rucksack."
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Post by murphthesurf on Oct 27, 2019 11:25:12 GMT
A chap I know was admitted to hospital & they rubbed lard all over his back........
....... after which he went downhill very quickly.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Oct 29, 2019 17:15:23 GMT
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I've never had a lentil on my face.
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Post by Cast no shadow on Oct 29, 2019 17:20:13 GMT
I was chatting to this bird from Bentilee at the weekend, we got talking and she told me she had 6 kids, all boys, but strangely they were all called Darren.
Curiosity got the better of me and I politely asked her why they all had the same name, she said it was easier, when she needed them for tea time or chores etc.they all came. I then asked what she does if she only needs 1 of the Darren's, she replied "I'll call em by their surname.
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Post by Clayton Wood on Oct 29, 2019 18:56:42 GMT
An elderly couple are watching a documentary about remote tribes of the jungle. The narrator explains that all men have a 24" penis. Each young man at puberty ties a large rock to his penis in order to stretch it.
The wife asks her elderly husband if he could try this trick, he agrees and they go out into the garden and select a rock. She attaches it with a piece of twine and waits in anticipation. A week later she asks her husband if the tribal trick has worked? He replies it is half way there. She asks excitedly 'so it's 12" already?'
'No,' he replies, 'it's turned black.'
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