And the very best of TwoView.
Copy and paste these because they may not be around for ever. This one will require staying power...but it's worth it if you're mad.
The Foodbeast.
24 HOURS TO LIVE!
24 HOURS TO LIVE!!!
A mayfly.
(TallPaul)
Mayfly's brains work on a different time line.
Scientists have proved that the smaller the animal the longer they think they live inside their head. 24 human hours is like 80 years in Mayfly brain translation while 97 dog years is the same as 10 human years so no need to worry the animals dont know any different.
(Vale66)
So how long does a gnat see, for instance, a football match with extra time and penalties as compared to a Blue Whale? (Tall Paul)
I think to understand concept a life forms brain needs to be human sized (around as big as a hockey ball I'm guessing?)
Take a monkey for example, there brains are probably tennis ball sized, take one to a football match and I bet they would get excited, but I never in a million years would imagien you could educate a monkey or even the cleverist chimp in the world to understand a football match so they could watch it intelligently.
Maybe its because human brains have special thickness on the outer coating or something that helps us think rationally. I'm no brain scientist but I think its down to the way we prosess nutrients.
Hold on though.
A whale has has a huge head, so logically its brain must be the size of a car, yet humans are more intelligent than a whale despite having smaller sized brains. For all we know Whales could be the smartest animals on the planet but they just play dumb to fool us all in to a false sense of secrity. Another theory of mine is intelligent life only occurs in life forms that have thumbs.
I'll have to think about this some more. (Vale66)
Dan
You (and possibly tawny) may be interested to know that the human male brain is on average around 11% to 12% larger than that of the female.
(MarkElt)
I think human brains are somewhat larger than hockey balls.
DDM is right about whales' brains though. The Blue Whale's brain is roughly the size of an old Mini. However, no human scientist has been able to devise any experiment which could measure or test whale intelligence. It is possible that they have a huge storage capacity for vast 3D maps of the oceans and tides along with the processing ability to navigate around these virtual maps. If you saw David Attenborough's "Blue Planet" last week and saw the bit with the Killer Whales killing a Grey Whale calf, you'll agree that they are pretty intelligent creatures, if rather dangerous.
(AB)
I know men have bigger brains than wenches.
The thing that gets my goat is that women have to pretend they have the same sized brains as us. They go on about femininity and equal rights, well how can women be on a par with men if men have larger brains?
Lets not beat around the bush here, the brain is the most important organ in the body along with the liver, so its by the brain we should make jugemental assesments of people.
Lets say brain is all of a sudden beef on the bone.
Here's the mans brain, on average 1 kilo of Beef on the bone.
Here's the womens brain, on average 3/4th kilo beef on the bone.
Now compare them, any mathamatiction would tell you that the two quoted figures JUST ARE NOT EQUAL.
Now will Tawny and Robinette finally see my point?
Another example, ok its only a film, but take Hannibal for example. Antony Hopkins cuts off the top of this blokes head and starts eating his brain, while this is going on though the bloke is still talking and using a knife and fork, He's just had the top bit of his head taken off yet because he's a man he's hard as nails and can withstand imense pain. On the other hand I bet if you chopped the top of Julian Moores head off her face would of gone SPLAT in the soap in a matter of seconds.
For every women who goes on about the pain of child birth, I now counter it with the Hannibal scene above. Trust me lads, women have no answer to it.
(Vale66)
Dan
There is no answer to that.
Except to say that brain size is largely a function of the need to control large bodies. The factor that is important in determining intelligence is the surface area of the cerebral cortex. The more ridges and wrinkles an animal has on its brain, the more intelligent it is.
This doesn't disprove your point because in Hannibal, Ray Liotta's brain was clearly a wrinkly mass of man meat. Whereas if Hannibal had opened up Starling's cranium, it would have been as smooth as a billiard ball. I think.
Does anybody know if Ray Liotta is OK, BTW? Talk about dedication...
(MarkElt)
The brain has no touch or pain receptors, this explains the scene in Hannibal (which I haven't seen). How did he manage to cut the top of the guy's head open without him noticing though- local anaesthetic?
When they do brain surgery in most cases the patient is conscious throughout. This is necessary as it ensures that they don't damage bits of the brain which are not being operated on. This is tested by asking the patient questions and checking the electrical responses.
The difference in brain size has no direct correlation on the relative intelligence (or other major intellectual capabilities) of men & women. Pigs' brains are about the same size as ours. It is down to the wiring. Men might have slightly bigger hard drives though...
(AB)
It's really hard to compare a Blue Whale with, say, a gifted musician as it is difficult for them to hold a violin under their chin or a mathematician such as Newton or Hawkins as they can't hold chalk which you need to write down equations on blackboards.
It could be, though, that whales use their brains to make up those lovely tunes that you can buy from the bargain basket at Morrisons.
All those people like Newton and Galileo and Ptolemy etc are different to Blue Whales.
The whales are composing while the others are decomposing.
(Tall Paul)
Tall Paul
You big kidder. Whales don't have chins. They wouldn't be able to play a violin even if it did work underwater.
Anyway, haven't you heard of whale song?
(MarkElt)
Mark Elt,
A bit like a tree then. If you cut one down the more circles it has on its inner log the more old and wise the tree was.
(Vale66)
Exactly Dan. Exactly
(MarkElt)
MarkElt
I suppose you're right about the chins - I never thought.
If there was a sub-aquatic symphony orchestra, Blue Whales would be more your Bassoon players, or maybe Tubas on account of their large lung capacity.
Again, the absence of fingers and opposing digits could cause problems.
With a bit of training you could even get them to play a penny whistle by plugging it in to their spout and maybe wrapping a bit of PTFE around it to stop leaks - though this could perhaps scare unwary sailors in the vicinity as the whale surfaced for air.
(TallPaul)
Genetic scientists discovered a long time ago that the mayfly has exceptional material for genetic development. They have been able to grow legs on the head of a mayfly and by putting the appropriate stem cells from leg joints, they are able to grow legs with many joints like knees.
Now you know how Dave got that big dick stuck in the middle of his forehead.
(Mroyal)
Genetic scientists reckon they can graft legs on a mayfly's head? How would you know they're not antennae?
I think they've been kidding us.
If they could graft legs on a whale's head that really would be something.
It would assist in playing musical instruments but an arm with fingers would be even better as toes aren't as easy to use.
(TallPaul)
What sort of legs would they graft on to a whale's head?
(MarkElt)
An Orang Utan's would be ideal, I think, but maybe you'd have to shave them first.
(TallPaul)
I reckon you have got to see common sense here. A Whales head is going to be heavy. Which animal has the strongest legs? Yes, thats right, Kangaroos.
I'm not sure about arms, Kangaroo arms on a whale would be daft and prevent movement of the stick when he's playing the violin, lack of reach you see.
We neglect the mayfly because they have small chins, preventing the violin from being played, so how about this.
A Whales head with strong kangaroo legs with long gorilla arms with a mayflies head grafted on then jimmy hills chin grafted on to the mayflies mouth as a sort of a well devceloped extension.
Imagine one of these things bouncing down the high street, I reckon it should be called a Food Beast. Give me a gun and I'd hunt it down for fun.
(Vale66)
If the whale was going to graft on a part of a Kangaroo it makes sense to use the pouch. It would then have somewhere to put the violin when not playing it!
(FLAW)
I think this thread has just created the first ever TWOVIEW mascot, "The Violin Playing Food Beast"
Someone should do an artists impression of this creation, or better still design a costume and enter the Mascot Grand National later this month.
(Springfieldaltc)
I'd just like to return to Dan's theory that intelligent life only exists in creatures with thumbs. What does that say about hitch-hikers? And surely that would make Mark King out of Level42 the most intelligent man ever. That can't be right.
And why is that cack-handed people are said to be 'all-thumbs'?
Dan. I don't think that is a very good theory.
(MarkElt)
If people with all thumbs are clumsy then what about ones with all fingers. I think its like something to do with life. You need a balance of both.
Fingers have always struck me as things I use to poke other things with, whilst the thumb is an amazzing leverage device, lets you grab hold of things and pinch things hard.
If someone said to me, What body part would you most like chopped off what part would everyone nominate? I think the vital ones for a man are his jackhammer, his thumbs and possibly his head. I'd nominate my finger inbetween my little finger and my up yours finger, I dont know about anyone else but I don't have much feeling in either of them.
May as well get rid of them, God probably only gave them us to make us look stupid. Mickey Mouse only has four fingers, maybe mice have it right and we have it wrong. I dont know.
Here's an idea, everyone chops off the two unwanted fingers and we graft them on to the Whales head to create an amusing biological hat.
Hold on.
I've changed my mind, not a biolgical hat as such. I'm thinking more along the lines that the fingers could give the whales head a more textured scalp design. Possibly in the style of an Indian Head Dress, or even use the fingers as if they were erect dreadlocks.
This would give the whale some street cred, on top of its more cultural violin playing antics.
(Vale66)
Dan
Whales are intrinsically cool anyway. They don't need fripperies like finger dreads to make them cool. I know Nigel Kennedy tried to sculpt his hair into finger-like structures but that didn't make him look cool with that big boil on his neck and Aston Villa scarf did it?
(MarkElt)
Dreadlocks? You think so Dan? I thought they went out of fashion ages ago mate?!? Anyway, the whale is a cultured musician, not a reggae artist!
(Emad)
Vale66 is right.
Consider a Whale who had orang'atan arms, powerful Kangaroo hindlegs, a Mayfly's outlook on life who could also ride the line between Classical Violin music from Nigel kennedy, mixed in with the timesless beat of reggae God Bob Marley
Whats more the idea of the pouch grafting for violin storage rounds the whole creation off perfectly!
(WrexShp)
They say that when humans were monkeys and ran around on all fours there came a time when the grass went real long. So to see over it we stood on our back legs. As time passed we started doing useful things with our hands like killing stuff. So when we had these new found tools at our disposal we wanted to put then to full use. Sort of like when you get a new black and decker drill, you want to use it all the time. It's very satisfying. But when we were not hunting or killing or breeding there was nothing to hold. Nothing but one thing.
And so we are now believed to be the only creatures who actually enjoy sex.
Others theorys can be found in the film 2001 A Space Odyssey. The human monkey man are confronted one day by a big black monolith. Possibly from out of space. Certainly not natural. SO something in their brain said "hey someone made this we should learn to make stuff too". So they started using their hands. And so they slowly evolve.
But mans evil side was also created, as we see a monkey beat another to death with his big bone.
(ParaPsych)
I fail to understand why this hypothetical whale should be restricted to the violin. Surely, if the creature has a brain the size of a mini, it should be able to master many more musical instruments.
Indeed, a group of these talented creatures should be able to make up an orchestra at least the size of the Royal Philharmonic. Given that enough amputated thumbs and unwanted digits of the DDM kind, orang utang shaven arms, kangaroo legs and pouches plus a goodly number of mayfly antennae could be found, they could travel the seven seas, pop up at various resorts from time to time and entertain the tourists.
They would probably be better off sticking to more fashionable resorts though because were they to surface off the beaches of the Med where the kerchief topped British lobsters were congregated, they would probably be booed off the prevailing tides.
But then again, if they wore those dreadlocks and played some 70's tunes, they could attract the kareoke slummers who, under the influence of gallons of Sangria, would flock to the beaches to have a whale of a good time.
(Old Stokie)
That's amazing!
MAYFLY FACTS
1) In the NYMPH stage of their life, mayflies actually live underwater. They breathe through specially-made scuba diving apparatus, and are only propelled out of the water when they fart for the very first time.
2) When they finally come up from the water's depths, they have to go to special decompression chambers so they don't get 'the bends'.
3) 2/3 of all the human beings who have ever lived have been killed by MAYFLIES. They enter your bedroom while you sleep, and bite your legs CLEAN OFF.
4) Mayflies are believed to be the real-life inspiration for the medieval tales of dragons. Peasants just exaggerated their dimensions a bit. And the loch ness monster was actually a 'water boatman'.
5) Mayflies were actually invented by Irish scientists just 2 years ago. The boffins found a Tyrannosaurus Rex in some amber, and extracted from it the DNA of a mayfly, which they then were able to recreate in a laboratory. You can now buy cruises to an island full of the re-engineered mayflies, (but they forgot to recreate the T-Rex.)
6) Mayflies are natures most musical animals, aside from Whales with violins, and were the real brains behind a string of hits in our human charts. Examples of mayfly songs covered by humans include:
'Superfly guy' (S-EXPRESS)
'Who wants to live forever' (QUEEN)
'Ruined in a day' (NEW ORDER)
'Hope I'm old before I die' (ROBBIE WILLIAMS)
and '24 Hours from Tulsa (what's the point in setting off?).' (GENE PITNEY)
7) Mayflies have ninety seven words for 'death'. But no word for 'tomorrow'.
(PenkPonther)
Old Stokie
There are many reasons why the whale, clever though it is, is restricted to violin playing.
It would have to find a very large seat to play the cello or double bass, for instance. These seats may be available, though, from American furniture stores as the average buttock size is much larger over there - so perhaps you have a point there. Woodwind is out - only bubbles would appear. If, as previously mentioned, instruments were fitted to the water-spout thing on a whale it would cause widespread consternation among unwary sailors when the whale surfaced (and Japanese 'scientists' would have a field day).
Brass is a no-no as it would tarnish badly and the whale would have to spend most of its time polishing instead of playing and the cost of Brasso would be excessive.
Percussion? Hmmm. Kettle drums would float so they're out. Triangles are a bit small for a whale.
No, it's got to be the violin.
(TallPaul)
All wind instruments are out for a number of reasons. As you say playing them underwater is a problem. But I think the biggest obstacle is the whale's actual lack of lips. That is why it's difficult for a whale to play a trombone.
It is also deeply ironic because lipstick is made out of whales.
(MarkElt)
Taking us back up this thread slightly, though, after grafting on the chin of Jimmy Hill (although this wouldn't really be necessary for playing the trombone) the orang-utan's lips could also be grafted on to the whale.
Maybe several lips would have to be sewn together to go right around the whale's mouth, though.
I think a trombone playing, ape-lipped whale would be a site to behold.
(TallPaul)
can't it use it's blowhole to play the wind instruments? perfect way to go about it surely... it could have a trumpet on it's back, whacking out a jazz classic, a violin under it's jimmy hill chin and maybe tie some maracas to it's tail for a rhythmic accompaniment
(Andysith)
If it was to have a trumpet in its blowhole ... then surely it would need at least one more arm grafted onto its back ... otherwise jazz classics are certainly out of the question. For this purpose, I think an iguana's arm would be almost ideal.
(Keane)
Just so I can get my head round this, are we going with the Kangaroo pouch for the Violin. If so, we better have strong legs cos the Violin's gonna get damaged when the Food Beast lies down to rest. Other than that, we could get one of them Wallace & Gromit back pack's and stick it in there.
(HertsSeasider)
surely, as a whale it won't lie down to rest? it'll keep on swimming in the sea... if it stops it won't be able to breath.. and then the trumpet bit will be stymied.
(Andysith)
Shouldn't be a problem. EVERYONE knows that whales sleep on their backs. Although that might be awkward if he has a trumpet in his blowhole.
(Keane)
When it lay down to rest, it would put the trumpet safely away in its pouch..... STUPID!!
(Andy2View)
maybe we should get some sort of holdall for the instruments to be put in when the whale gets a little tired.. it's all very well having the kangaroo pouch, but that can hardly be expected to carry half an orchestra..
something like the bag sport billy had.. that'd do the trick.
(Andysith)
Are we allowing the food beast to reproduce?
Surely if we do, through natural evolution the whale will adapt and the future of the species will not have grafts but merely natural protrusions. I suggest we transplant Asexual organs into the beast to make life easier, as with its life as a global ambassador for world peace through symphonic underwater concertos, it may not have time for sex. Although it has to be said, whatever sex it ends up, it is looking pretty horny at the moment!
(VarcRanger)
varcranger - i think letting the foodbeast reproduce could have terrible consequences... imagine the noise if a few got together for a late night jamming session?
all the other seabound creatures would get a bit arsey, if for no other reason than they have no wall to bang on to try and get the noise turned down a little.
no. it's better for all concerned if we take away it's means of reproduction. we have proved we have the technology to build one, it will be no problem to replace it as and when is necessary.
(Andysith)
I believe violins need to be tuned before played (my orchestral knowledge is not that good). Whales as far as I am aware do not have ears. To enable the beast to tune his/her instruments we will have to graft some ears. Obviously they will need to be in proportion, so Elephant ears will be ideal.
These could also be used as additional fins, to counteract the weight of the instruments attached to the back and contained in the pouch.
(VarcRanger)
We've forgotten about the poor Mayfly.
With its innate ability to have bits grafted on, he could help the whale.
1st Graft some suitable birdwings on to the mayfly - an albatross would be ideal, I think for this.
2nd Graft a music stand on to the sticky out bit on the front of the mayfly's mouth (long enough to dangle in front of the myopic whale)
3rd Graft the entire mayfly to the whales head so that the mayfly can flap its extra big wings and so reduce the weight on the whale's head.
Of course, with extra grafts, the mayfly could play the flute although I'm unsure if you can learn to play the flute in 24 hours.
(TallPaul)
I think the answer there TP lies with the whale. As it has a brain "the size of a mini" we could attach a few cables to the mayfly's brain and download the ability to learn how to play the flute in seconds !! Thats that sorted then.
(HertsSeasider)
I think you've both got good points.
I think it would be better to utilize the brain of the whale as suggested but to have the Mayfly singing.
This would save money on instruments that would be lost when the mayfly died after 24 hours. He's probably drop the piccolo in the water, or possibly down the water spout thing of the whale, either way it would be lost.
At least the singing would therefore be cheaper.
Basso Profundo would be fine, although more grafting of hippopotamus parts might be necessary.
(TallPaul)
If we are attaching cables from the Whale brain to the mayfly brain, could we send electrical charges down to the Mayfly every 24 hours, to defibrillate it, thus saving on replacement Mayflies. The shock may also prevent it from going soggy and floppy.
(VarcRanger)
Conclusion.
Name: Food Beast
Age: Unknown
Height: 10 Foot 7'
Weight: 986lbs
Brain size: 'As big as a mini I reckon' (Vale66)
Gender: asexual AND bisexual
Musical Heros: Bob Marley and Nigel Kennedy
Football Hero's: Stephen BROOKER, Phil Hardy and Darren Caskey
Special Skills: Playing the violin, maracas and trumpet simultaneously whilst under water
Key Interests: Football, Sex, 'The Arts' and swimming
Life Long ambition: to bridge the creative gap between Nigel Kennedy and Bob Marley... under water...
Distinguishing Features: 'Awag!' tattoo located on right shoulder... Twoview logo stitched on to pouch... No sex organs whatsoever... Casual looking... Area's of fur bleached purple to match 'Twoview's offical flag colour'... Pretty, dark eyes... Sexy lips... Answers to the name 'Food Beast'...
Body Parts and Materials used in 'Food Beasts' cloning:
Whale Head
Whale 'upper torso'
Wale Brain
Whale Tail (with attatched maracas)
Mayfly head and wings
Left handed surplus human third fingers (for dreadlocked hairstyle)
Orang Utang arms (shaved)
Orang Utang lips
Kangaroo hind legs
Kangaroo pouch (storage purposes)
Jimmy Hill's chin
Elephant Ears
Water proof Violin
Trumpet sticking out of its 'blow hole'
Mini Music stand grafted on to end of chin
Mating call (non-sexual... just to find new friends):
"Awwwaaaaaaggggggg-riiiiggghhhhtttquuuuueeeeerrrrrr!!!!!!"
Life Span: Immortal + self regeneration abilities...
