Biggest bunch of c***s in the Prem?

Every Premiership team rated out of 5 for cuntiness...


Arsenal 5*- Aaaargh. To think i used to admire the way these cunts played football. I even *spit* once said that I'd like to see them win the league *spit* as a reward for their attractive play *spit* What was I thinking? Passing the ball about nicely might be seen as classy, but there isn't an ounce of real class about these nasty cunts, and their one-eyed cunt of a whinging, mard-arse, big-nosed French shit of a manager. If this bunch of bastards were playing against Man U, I'd be cheering Fergie's boys...if they were playing against Vale, I'd be shouting for the Burslem soap dodgers...fucking hell, if they were playing a team of convicted paedophiles I'd be chanting for the nonces. I fucking HATE Arsenal.

Aston Villa-1* I just can't bring myself to dislike Villa, mainly because I like martin o'Neill, but their players are all Ok too, and if they're in Europe you actually feel like you're cheering on an English team rather than a random mixture of mercenary Spaniards and Frogs.


Birmingham 4*- That pitch invasion in 92 and Central TV constantly rimming them guarantees hatred for these dopey-voiced bastards.

Blackburn 2* They're Ok I suppose, but having Spit the dog playing for them makes them a touch dislikeable. I do quite like Sam Allardyce though because he's fat and looks like a St Bernard. Plus they pissed Man Utd off in the mid-90s by beating them to the title.

Bolton 2*- I used to really like them for preventing Vale getting promoted in 93, but they acted a bit cunty and spoilt when they never gave poor old Gary Megson a proper chance.

Burnley 3*- Their cuntiness has reduced somewhat since Cotterill left, but the memories of the jug-eared cuntflap turning up their and nicking half of our team still makes me dislike them a bit. Plus they have a population that's even more racist and backward than ours.

Chelsea- 4* I remember Chelsea when they were really shit, which is probably more than 90% of their fanbase do. Like their even more cunty London rivals, they completely lack any class with their team of adulterous, money-grabbing, blinged up scumbags.

Everton 1*- Another manager I like in David Moyes, even though his bulging eyeballs give me bad dreams. I was always on the Everton side of the playground back in the 80s when every kid was a Merseyside gloryhunter, and I still prefer them to most other Premiership teams.

Fulham 2*- An old-fashioned ground, and a proper club with real supporters and another decent-sort of a manager in droopy-chops Roy Hodgson. What’s not to like? Well, I suppose they’re still Southerners, and associated with Jimmy Hill masturbating over them. No-one’s perfect.

Hull 4*- Have you ever really despised a cocky, jumped-up work colleague, only to meet them a few years later and find out that they lost their job, their wife left them and they’re now living in a doorway in a puddle of their own piss? Well that’s how I feel about Hull-there’s still a strong dislike, but any real hatred has now been replaced by absolute pity.

Liverpool 3*- The car-stealing benefit scroungers might still be annoying with the fat Spanish waiter in charge, but the fact is they’re just not good enough to be as cunty as they once were.

Man City 4*- Remember that scummy yobbo who won the lottery and blew all his money on big boy racer type cars to race around his garden? Well that’s Man City that is. They were probably always arseholes, but their cuntiness has gone through the roof since the Arabs arrived, and they suddenly seem to think that being able to waste £24 million on a carthorse like Joleon lescott makes them the world’s biggest club. Plus Craig Bellamy plays for them.

Man Utd 4*- Would have once been an automatic 5 on the cuntiness scale, but the fact that they’re not Arsenal, and the greasy-winking-cheat has now fucked off, makes me soften slightly in my hatred of them. However, the fact is that all referees still bum them and bend over backwards to cheat for them so they can get to suck the whisky-flavoured piss out of Ferguson’s angry little Glaswegian cock. So it’s still our duty to hate the cunts I’m afraid.

Portsmouth 3*- Chucking money about like Avram Grant in a brothel, then crying like a big girl’s fanny when it all goes wrong makes them a bit cunty in my book. Plus they have that tattooed knob-jockey with the bell, and all spend their Saturday nights catching anal chlymidia from visiting sailors. I don’t like them much at all.

Sunderland-1* It's hard to hate your own feeder club, and I quite like Niall Quinn.

Tottenham 2*- They hate Arsenal, so that makes them Ok in my book. However, once again, being Southerners means they must innately have an element of cuntiness about them.

West Ham 3*- Cockney eel-scoffing cunts. A 3 is the minimum they have to score, entirely for this reason. However, they haven’t done anything particularly to upset us recently, and I do quite like Zola for being the size of an ant, and talking in a comedy foreign accent.

Wigan 3*- A pathetic little zit of a club, that couldn't fill their ground if they were actually paying people to go and watch them.


Wolves- 4* The dog-heads are just a dislikeable bunch aren’t they? Spitting on the away fans below them? Talking in that dopey special-needs accent? Not being able to decide which fucking county they’re in? Playing in “gold” shirts (orange-you cunts, they’re fucking orange). What a bunch of cunts.


To conclude…Arsenal win by a street. In fact, 5 out of 5 isn’t enough. 187 out of 5 for cuntiness would be more like it.